To send or not send..... It's the age old question

Ok so Al Gore and I get along so well. We can do every thing together and not get bored. Ok, sometimes I get bored, but I will explain further down. I can sit there in silence (although, with me, silence is hard to come by) and just be happy in his presence and I believe he feels that same way.

This is all so confusing to me b/c I was with my ex since I was 17 and just left him January of this year. However, our marriage was over a long time ago. The Ex, Captain America, and I had great communication skills. We'd talk about every thing. Al gore and I do not have that worked out yet. I don't even know how to talk to him about things.

Back in February, when Al was talking to, Portland Chick, all the freaking time, i was totally crushed. Even though what we have/had is no strings attached sex with friendship.. or really it's friendship with sex, so I had no right to be angry and hurt. But I still was. Who wouldn't be? Then cut to say June of this year, we had a major falling out b/c he thought I was catching feelings. Ummm.. hello... I totally am. I told you I loved you, but only after you said it first to me. He got all weirded out b/c of pictures that I had up on flickr. Ok, i can totally see that b/c we were in Philly that weekend and I had him take my picture in front of the "love" statue. When I posted it on flickr is said, "love... that sums up this entire weekend." Then on myspace, i posted the lyrics to "In your loving arms" by Karen Overton (http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/k/karen_overton/your_loving_arms.html) and well, it's true. Those lyrics are so true.

Sometimes the way that you act makes me wonder
What I am to you
*I wonder all the time what I am to Al Gore. Does he really care? Would he care if I just walked away?
Sometimes I can't stand the way that I'm acting
To be part of the things you do
*This is also true. There is so much that we do and talk about and music that we listen to that I normally wouldn't. It's out of what I know... out of my comfort zone. yet I do it.
Often I've asked you for too much of your time
Like I'm stealing
*When I do IM him or talk to him or e-mail him, I feel that I am bugging him. Why? b/c he'll just sign off w/o even saying goodbye.

I did tell him that when he leaves and doesn't even bother to type "bbib" or "bbl" that I think it's really rude. He just doesn't listen.

When we first started talking, he'd tell me how beautiful I am and we would exchange dirty text messages. That is no more. I have no idea when it stopped, it just did. I even wrote him an xrated e-mail and all I got was "wow! I had no idea that you could write like that." Well there was more, but that was about it.

I swear he doesn't listen to me or pay attention to things that I send him. (could be due to the fact that he works a lot?)

Also, since he doesn't have a car and I do, I ALWAYS drive to see him. He's talked about taking the train up here, but he never has. I did this with Captain America when he was in college and I was going to a community college here at home. I gave up myself and finding out who I am. I didn't want to go through this again. IT's just that... well... we have so much fun together.

So honestly, when you read that all (and if anyone reads this period) I bet you wonder to yourself, "why the fuck is she staying with him?" Well ok.. we aren't together so he can leave an dI can leave whenever. I just don't know? I mean, it's a great convienience to have. I can basically have sex when I want. I just have to drive 2 hours to get it.

Why do I want more? I was with someone for 13 years. Why do I want to put the pressure on him to make a relationship when he doesn't want one? I mean honestly, I am afraid, that I will do this work with him and be his friend and then, bam... he gives his love to another woman. I know that's what is going to happen. I can't stop it.

So... I want to write this in an e-mail, but I don't know if I should. So To send or not send? Things are great now why fuck them up right? Please, anyone if you read this.. let me know!

♥ AM