Things I want to say, but can't

I want to tell Al Gore all of the following...
I love you.
I want to be hanging out with your right now.
Going to get dinner.
Maybe a movie.
I want to cuddle.
I want to spoon.
Maybe take a walk around the city, hand in hand just enjoying each other's company.
I want you to want the same things.
I want to not have to drive to see you.
I want to be with you.
I want to feel your skin next to mine.
I want to devour your seriously beautiful so kissable lips.
I want you to feel my hot breath even a whisper on your ear.
I want to drown in your eyes.
I want to kiss your temples and feel your pulse.
I want to smell your masculine, amazing scent.
I want to strip you naked and massage the stress out of your shoulders, your neck and your back.
I want to be able drink in your sexiness.
I want to feel you.... period.
I want to just be there to watch you sleep and hear your snore! (even though it keeps me awake.)

I will keep this all to myself b/c I don't want to ruin whatever it is that we have.

HNT

I'm going to see if i can actually upload this picture. I just took it and well, it's not at all half naked, but it's pretty cool looking. I took a bunch of other pictures, but well, I don't want anyone to see my face :-D

FWB vs Lova

My best friend gave me a $100 gift certificate to a beauty salon b/c i was complaining that my entire body was sore. Her ex bought it for her and she doesn't want anything to do with him so she gave it to me. I sent Al a text message saying that they have a "couples" message for $110 or $130 depending on what type it is. I sent a text saying, "don't get weird out" and this is what I got back, "stop prefacing!!! We're lovers - it'd be awesome!"

So now what's really crazy is we are now not FWB's but we are lovers? Is there a difference between the two? I mean in both, I don't have any rights to anything except to ask for sex.

Oh... let me post an e-mail that I wrote to him, his response, then my response, but like then he ignored my last e-mail.

ME:::::
Ok.. so I thought I'd drop you a quick line in what I expect from you. So that you aren't so potentially weirded out or maybe I'm just trying to prevent a freak out?
I want honesty. I want respect. I want to have fun with you. Not constantly, but i want to be able to keep doing things with you and trying random things and seeing random things. As in any friend, I want to be able to vent and not feel like a Todd. I want you to be able to tell me what i'm doing is prob not the best idea, but support me in what decision it is. Just normal things I expect and look for in a friend.
I will do the same for you.
I don't want more Al. i won't say sometime in the future that i won't, but meh, I'll cross that bridge when I get there and frankly, I have bigger things to worry about like trying to figure out what I want to do and when.
it is funny though, b/c I do have like 10 or so e-mails that I'll write and just save as a draft. But this one, I think I'll actually send. :-D
I just really don't want to lose your friendship.. seriously.. sex aside. I think that you are a great person and want to see where you are going to go and vice versa. I feel that I have some things to prove to some people and I do not want to be making $15/an hour when I'm 40. (which really isn't that far away...aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh).

What I really need right now is sleep.

Boo Ya!

HIM:::::::
Boo-fucking yah!

I am with you - I mean, I have internal dialogue with myself about settling down, no lie, and I like how we interact, but I also know I will hate myself if I settle down now. I may not want to settle down permanently, well, ever. But I enjoy our weekends and random days/times of just, well, almost marital bliss.

I appreciate your occasional reminders that you want nothing more from me than friendship. It helps me not freak - really.

I actually came to my email to tell you that my washcloth in the bathroom (the clean one) smells like your skin (I rubbed sweat from my face with it, slightly high, and BAM it smells like you).

You won't be making 15$/hr at 40, believe me. You -ARE- super smart; I don't think anyone ever told you of that potential in yourself and so it maybe freaks you out? I don't know - you are expert in your field, and that is something I can't even touch, knowing those sorts of details that you know about coverage and how the system works. It is an amazing skill, and you aren't at all compensated properly for it.

Anyway, the world and life come at you as they do, and you just take it as it comes - crossing bridges and all. Hehe, I write random drafts too, but mine are usually prefaced with "delete before sending" (just how I operate).

Uhm, you'll never lose my friendship. Seriously and honestly.

ME::::::
real quick like.. I do think it's funny that your idea of settling down is not fun.
I challenge that notion. I think "settling down" will be fun. I will settle down at some point, but I just think it's funny how our ideas are different on what it really means. I want to travel and I want to see places and do things and I don't want kids to hold me back or tie me down. I look at settling down as getting to chill and always be with your best friend and explore and do things with. I don't think it means that you have to be tied to someone, lock and key, never to go out with your friends or never to do stuff on your own. I think having friends and seeing them apart from your "mate" is key.


*** ok so for real... like I mean, read that..... Doesn't that seem like more then just a lover? Or is it just me? I'm kinda scared. I do love this man, but I love myself more and I am going to make changes in my life, for the better for me. Not for anyone else b/c it's clear to me that he has no intentions of changing his life, at all for me or bending at all for me.

I just need the strength to be w/o the awesome, spec-fucking-tacular sex that we do have. God.. the sweat, the sex, his eyes, his breath that he does when he's trying not to cum. It gets me wet just thinking about it. Seriously... Crazy.

-AM

Dreaming of the Ex

I had a dream about the Ex last night. I don't really remember but there was something about a carnival and I know that he had like Hispanic chicks with him and I think he was there with one of them. Honestly, in my real life, I hope he does date someone and soon. However, in the dream, I felt that I felt something for him.

So weird. Can you have feelings for someone in your dreams but in reality, you don't have these feelings?

Meh

I have decided that I'm going to put me first from now on. I don't think that Al really is up to sacrificing anything for me. And not even sacrifice, but I don't know, give me a sign or something?

Grrrr....

Weekend with Al Gore

Ok.. so here's the deal. I was with Al all weekend and things were really good. We did talk a little bit on the way home about dating and if we are dating. He has basically told me that he can't date right now. That he just doesn't know what people want from him and he gets all freaked out. So do I send him an e-mail about what I expect from him? It would be really short. I expect honesty and respect. I expect some kind of affection. I want to tell him that eventually, down the road, I am going to want a relationship with someone and if he can offer that to me, then awesome b/c we are just great together. If not, bummer, but that's ok. Life does go on.

I'm just so confused. I really should go back to school for radiology or I should take a gamble and become someone's admin assistant/personal assistant. I would make a killer assistant. I really would. I am hyper anal in making sure things are organized. I am very crafty and able to solve problems using both conventional and unconventional methods and using some sources that others may not know about. I have a vast array of knowledge at my fingertips with the internet.

I digress, Al... Ok.. I could go to school and get myself on track for an actual career. Something that i could be proud of. Not this Health Insurance Bull Shit.
I could move to philly. I have a couple of friends there and my family. I could move somewhere with my friend Kins. However, that's another story. I could move by myself somewhere, but I'm just scared. I don't think I could do it. Or I could try to move to the city that Al's n.

I KNOW that it's a bad idea. I just have these bad vibes and I need to listen to my gut. It sucks ass. It totally sucks. I just don't know what to do. There isn't like there is a manual for this shit. I n eed to do stuff on my own. I really do. I just don't know. I just don't know and I know I'm repeating that, but seriously.. I have no idea.

I don't have any hobbies. There is nothing that I really like to do. I need to figure that out. I need to figure out who I am. I have this amazing opportunity to do what I want, with whom i want, when I want and I don't want to throw it away. On that flip side, I don't want to throw away my friendship I have with Al.

Then again, I mean, if we really do have some connection then he'd be cool with me doing whatever wherever and we'd figure it out.

It's just weird. This whole situation is weird. I dont' like it. I am used to knowing what's going on. However, it's exciting and I like that.

Anyway.. off to bed. Good night party people!!

-AM

TMI Tuesday!

1. When was the last time someone hit on you? What went down?
I am not entirely sure. I think that people may hit on me and I just have no clue. I am pretty unaware of when people check me out or hit on me. I will talk about L-Dub though. This guy was a friend of my work friend, Ken. My sister and I went out and ran into Ken and L-dubs and hung otu with them for a few. Went back to ken's house and smoked and there, L-dubs showed me pictures of himself shirtless and then, the crowning picture... his dick on his cell phone. I mean who does that? Ugg.. well anyway, he was sweating me really hard, but he was really hot. Really really hot. So I wasn't buying any of his bull shit.


2. If you were single and could be with any one person, who would it be (thinking singer/actor or someone famous here, but whatever)?
For a while, I had this huge crush on Henry Rollins. He was bad ass. Tattooed out and seemed like he would just throw me around and well, fuck me. But he also seems really funny and seems like he would be a good guy to hang out with.

3. Have you ever had done anything sexual in your office or your place of employment?
Honestly, no. I would never do anything here. This is going to sound like office gossip, but it's not. This one chick here gave this other dude here, head in in the mail room. She blabbed her mouth about it and then everyone heard about it. She tried to deny it, but I mean, when you heard the words from her own mouth, that means it's not bullshit.

I have offered to blow Al Gore while he's on a work call. That hasn't happened yet.

4. Do you apologize when you make a mistake? How do you react when someone calls you out?
I find it very had to admit when I am wrong. When I do, I sometimes, half ass the apology. I love hearing "you are right" or "you were right." It's such a turn on to me.

On the flip side, if it's someone that I really think knows their shit and has it all together and they call me out, even if I swear I am right, I'll still apologize.


5. Top or bottom?
Well, both please. But I guess for me, bottom over top. I just really like being fucked hard. (but that has to be intermixed with nice, passionate sex too.) I like being on top for the control, however, I'm just not quite good at it yet. I have to work out my thigh muscles better in order to really work it for Al Gore and well, any future lovas!



Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: How old were you when you first had a willing sexual experience?
I had sex for the first time when I was 15. It was my first boyfriend who was 18 at the time. You know how I got him to have sex with me? Ooooh it's a great line. We were in Florida vacationing with his family. I was sleeping upstairs and he was downstairs. I went down to him and said, "I can't sleep, but I know what would help put me to sleep." And with that, we had sex.

Weekend thus far

I don't have time to express what a great, chill weekend this has been, but I'm sure I'll have "time" at work to get it done tomorrow. All I know is that Al Gore is here and sitting next to me and we seriously have spectacular sex together. It's like this ingrained chemical thing. We don't have bad sex.

I do want to come back to this later. I see this thing with Al Gore and I not working out. Or well, really going one of two ways and both involve us not being friends and things just going to shit.

Anyway, gatta go to the book store and we are going to go look at tv's for him

Chow