Fix You

These are the lyrics from "Fix You" from Coldplay. It's an amazing song.
It's about how you try and you can try to make this other person love you.
"when you get what you want but not what you need." I feel that I am there right now from Al Gore. I am getting what I want, but not what I need. What is it that I need? The need to feel important to someone.

"when you are too in love to let it go." Who has not been there? Who hasn't been so much in love with someone and the potential of that person and of your relationship that you keep trying? You keep trying way past the point where you should have let it go and begin to heal?

"and I will try to fix you." Again, who hasn't thought that they could fix some part of their lovers soul or who they are? That you think that your love will change that person and make him a better man.


When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Average Girl

So, Al Gore has all of these female friends. They are all very artsy, unique and just beautiful and different... and tattooed up. Then there is me. Daddy's little conservative princess. Ok.. well i am conservative but more moderate these days. Apparently Al calls me a progressive. I am more a momma's girl then a Daddy's girl and I was never a princess. My parent's gave us a lot, but we always had to work for it.
With that being said, I have 2 tattoo's. On by my right hip bone and one across my lower back. Yes a tramp stamp. I just took out my tongue ring 2 days ago, but I had that for almost 11 years. I have my nose pierced and my triagus done as well (inner ear). However, I am very normal looking.

His other friends are all artsy and all have the artist like tormented souls. I don't have that. I am normal. I don't have issues. These girls are all unique and beautiful.

Then there is me. I just don't stand out. I think that's a deep seeded issue if I would have to pick an issue. People don't remember my name half the time. That's how much I blend in.

So I question myself on why or what would Al actually see in me anyway? I think I am an amazing person with wonderful qualities. I am kind and thoughtful and caring. I don't think that I am a 10 or anything, but I certainly don't think that I am 3. I think I am a 6. Just above average. If I gained weight I'd knock me down to a 5 though.

It's not like Al is this amazingly handsome man that women fall all over. But to me, he is very handsome. I just think that he will get tired/bored with me as I am just an average girl. I guess I should back off for a little bit.

TMI Tuesday

1. Who and when was your first crush?

I would have to say this boy in the neighborhood, Chad. He lived right next door to my best friend's house and we were always terrorizing him. Why? Well b/c we both thought he was hot.


2. Who and when was your first date?
I don't think that I have had a real actual date. Where you meet someone and then you just decide to go to dinner/lunch/coffee. I generally know the people that I have been intimate with so we are friends and then we go out. Sad I know.

3. Who and when was your first kiss?

Dee W. This was a boy that was on a church group trip that we took. It was truth, dare, kiss or command. And I got to kiss him. It wasn't anything special. Kind of blah if you ask me. I was prob 12 at the time.

Then in 9th grade when I got a boyfriend, we used to make out. I wasn't really into him, but he asked me out and I was like "sure why not?"


4. Who and when was your first partner while “fooling around” in car?
Matt. He was my first boyfriend that I tracked down and I liked and I wanted and I got. He was 4 years older then I was and lived in the same neighborhood. He could drive and I could not so we'd make out in his truck.

5. Who and when was your first partner while “fooling around” in a house?
100% Matt.. again. We would watch tv at his house and his parent's would go to bed around 10pm. I had a curfew of 11 so we'd make out like crazy on his couch. I went on vacation with his family and we eventually had sex while on vacation. So when we came back and were "watching tv" from 10-11, we were having sex. Great times.

6. Who and when was your first love?
Oh Jeez.... I would say Matt. I did love him and the love that I had for him was not fake. It was not as intense as other love that I have had for other people. Hell, not other people. Just for my STBE husband. He was the love of my entire life. My entire being for 13+ years. Hmmm.. that's not right. I'd say he was my love life for 9 years. We broke up for a few months and then the last 2 years we had just drifted apart.

Bonus: Who’s blog did you first comment on?

Happyendings: Confessions of an erotic masseuse.

Relationship Status?

I was at my friend's Halloween party on Saturday with Al Gore. We watched the Penn State game (which they did win and ti was a great game) and there was this man there that I will called Mr. Steelers. Apparently he works with my soon to be ex husband. They must both be part of the same guard unit. So, Mr. Steelers pulled Al gore aside and was asking him if I was his girlfriend and apparently Al did say yes.

However, he only lists me as his friend to anyone else. Like to a perfect stranger I can be his girlfriend. To anyone else, I am a friend. Honestly though, I am guilty of the same crime. I don't know what to call him so I just call him my friend.

I guess we are dating? I don't really know. I know that I feel that I do come second to work, but srsly, the man is 26. He is very intelligent and amazingly brilliant and this lovely mix of nerdiness and geekiness matched with this sexiness and a great sexual appetite that matches mine.

I love hanging out with him, but are either of us ready to say "yes this is my boyfriend/girlfriend?" He is talking to his ex girlfriend and it's good for him. I think that they are able to communicate w/o anger. Or at least I hope that's how it is going. I don't want her fucking him up again. I may srsly have to fuck that bitch up if she does anything to him again.

Who cares about a relationship status. Who cares? I mean i don't care but apparently people really do care. He is my friend that I sleep with, that I have this amazing relationship with, that I enjoy doing things with and who the fuck cares. So far it's been awesome and amazing and I guess when I get that "I need to know where this is going" bug then i will confront that when that happens.

-peace

Nice things Al Gore has done for me

I have decided that I know it's lame, but I'm going to write in this post, the nice things that Al has done for me b/c sometimes, I forget.

1- Last Saturday I was asleep before he was and I was feeling really crappy from a cold. So when i woke up when he was getting ready to go to bed, he had my box of tissues, my cough drops and some water next to the bed just in case I needed them.

2- Post it note on the mirror telling me to hurry up and get back to bed to smuggle

3- He gave me a Tiffany's bracelet. Now he had found it back in Portland, but still. I love it

4- He downloaded an HD hour long special on a migration of a loggerhead turtle.

5- He let me stay at his place when I needed a place to go

6- He bought me a hotel room when I had my accident so I didn't have to figure everything out

7- He bought me tickets to go see Diplo in Philly on 11/15

8- He has spent money on hotel rooms for us to just chill out

9- He bought me a handle of Captain Morgan's when I was going to be at his place for about 6 hours by myself

10- When I helped him move to DC, I was driving the moving truck and I tagged a car. I was freaking out and he jumped out of the truck to take care of it

11- he makes sure I have conditioner for my hair

So over it

Ok.. I am resisting the urge to write Al an e-mail b/c I am over it. I can't do it. I can't do it. The fucking thing with him and the Portland chick, where he just lied to me and was talking and saying "i love yous" to this chick has me always thinking/wondering what the fuck he's doing and why he did not answer an e-mail from earlier. Like hours earlier basically saying that I wanted him to call.

I am so over it. I can't trust this man to be in it for me. I can't trust him to have my good interests at heart. To actually think of me at all. He just thinks of himself. And you know what? That is totally fine. That is his right. I just need something different right now.

I think the best thing for me is to be by myself right now. To not have him around. To not see him.

I need someone in it for me and he's not. he is in it for himself. Again, that is fine, but that is not what I need right now.

The ups and downs of a FWB to lover

Ok.. so this past weekend was good. I went down to see Al Gore and all was well. We went to Costco and bought him a great tv. Well technically I bought it since they only take cash, debit card or their American Express card. Since he only had a credit card, I just paid with my debit card. He gave me a check for it though.

We were both still suffering from craptastic colds. I am still suffering way worse then he is. Sunday night I ended up asleep before he was. I woke up when he was getting ready to go to bed. He had placed my box of Puffs Plus next to the bed. Got me some water and some cough drops and also had them right next to the bed. So freaking sweet of him to think of all of that for me. It is true that it is the little things that make you really appreciate and love someone.

When I woke up I went to the bathroom and there was a post-it-note from him on the mirror. Very cute as well. He knows that I have to wake up every night to pee so he put a post it note basically saying, "i know you are up to pee, but hurry up so you can get back to bed and snuggle with me. I love you." Then what was cute and weird was that he signed his name. Like I needed to know who it was from.

I drove home on Monday evening and while on the road I sent 2 text messages. Then another one when I was actually home. Not rcving any reply, I sent another one saying "well good thing your phone is working." Or something snide like that. I did get a response back the next morning, but I haven't read it yet.

he went out for dinner last night and I sent him just a "good night" text message and no response. So whatever. He's busy.

So today I got an IM from my friend in Florida, we'll call him BigJoo (as yes he is Jewish). He asked me if Al Gore was in the hospital and of course I said no b/c I had not heard about it. BigJoo copied me Al's facebook message and it basically said that he was at GWU hospital and dealing with a 9 out of 10 on the pain scale. But I still want to go to the Obama rally today.

I sent him an e-mail with "WTF?" and then copied his Facebook message. Long story short, he had kidney stones. However, while at the hospital he was able to update his Facebook message but was unable to even text me or call me to let me know he was in the hospital. Apparently our friend B-boy got him a taxi and took him to the hospital and in general took are of him, which I am grateful for. However, B-Boy knows my phone number and no text or call from him. Al.. nothing. I had to ask him about it.

So his reply was basically that he went to check to see if the internet worked on his phone and it did and he found out b/c he "accidentally" hit the facebook app. He was in the process of writing me an e-mail when the internet died and he lost it all. He said he didnt' want to worry me as he didn't know for sure what was up. I mean, srsly, just an e-mail or a text saying, "hey, going to the hospital for extremely sharp pains in my side. Will let you know what's up" NOTHING

Also, I just really feel that he is just not at a place right now where we should be together. After the beach he told me that he doesn't like the thought of me dating other people. And we also share the "i love yous" and what not. So I think, in any "normal" world that we'd be dating. However, I am still just a friend to him and to anyone he knows.

so we are going to have a "talk" at some point. He was supposed to come up this weekend, but we'll see. I just don't really know when to have it or how to have it. Should I send it in an e-mail or should we do it over IM as that's how a lot of our stuff goes down. Maybe I will call him and make him hear my voice when I say things.
WE don't talk enough..... well we don't communicate very well and that has to change.

It's just very hard b/c I do love this man and he is amazing and is wonderful and I am so relaxed around him, but I mean, I just get these feelings all the time that he's just not that into me. That it's all a show.