Random thoughts

Well here i sit on a Saturday in my room. I was at my sister's house earlier to just grab some trash and grab some of the kid's clothes to clean. Their house is a mess. I mean, it's a disaster. It has never been clean. They moved about 2 years ago and it's been a mess since the moved in. Their old house was a mess as well. It's a really sad state of affairs there. They are in a totally loveless marriage. Their children are suffering. I don't really know what to do. Merrie is sick and it's hard for me not to believe that she is really sick. I just know that she can't get out of bed. I think that she does have chronic fatigue, but I think that she is also depressed which keeps her in bed, which makes it worse, which makes her depression worse. i just don't know what to do. It's so sad to see her kids, my nieces and nephew suffering.

I think I am in just a sad state of mind right now. Life just fucking sucks in general. It's just hard to be positive. I hate my job and I want to feel important to someone. I just don't feel that way. Al Gore is just not ready for a relationship or if he is, it isn't with me. We have 2 separate lives. I have my life and he has his life. He doesn't really include me in his life outside of me. I just sort of feel that he just doesn't want to tell people that we are dating. Are we even dating? I don't know.

I just really think that he isn't good for me. That I am very dependent on him to make me feel special. I need to feel special on my own and i do not. I could just be a sad sap b/c I have my "monthly" so that could be messing with me.

I just want more from him and he is incapable of giving it to me. I think anyway. I'm going to wait until after the election to see what happens then. If it's still the same thing, then I'm just going to have to let it go b/c he doesn't want any harm to come to me, but he's really not trying to uplift me or bring out the best for me. I want someone that is in it for me. Right now, he's in it for him. I have talked to him about it and he says that he is doing all that he can. So if this is him doing all that he can right now, then I just don't think it's going to work for me right now.

It sucks b/c I think that he is a great person and wonderful. We share the same goals. The goal to better ourselves and to make something with ourselves. To travel and see the world. To expeirence new things and to just do it together. He just can't see it in me I think. I don't think that I'm good enough or at least I feel that he thinks that I am not good enough. It's just sad. I think I'm done trying to make him see that I am a wonderful person that is worthy of his attention. it's sad and it's pathetic.