Ok, it honestly may be me, but I have a life outside of my "computer life." I have friends that I see on a regular basis. I go to work. I have work friends. I have my family. Why do people feel the need to constantly update their fucking status on facebook? Why? To me, I feel that it's a need in people to have "contact" with other's w/o really having contact with them. If they are people that you want to keep in touch with, shoot them an e-mail. Hell, write an e-mail and then copy it and send it to a bunch of people. That is even more personable. And playing all these lame games and making cities? God so lame.
I think it's also a need/desire in us to feel more important. People seriously don't need to know what you are doing all the time. I was just at the beach, ok, like a month ago, but still.... a friend there was constantly updating her Facebook status. WHO CARES?
"eating a delicious all you can eat crab dinner"
"using wet whips to clean up after my messy all you can eat dinner"
"ON my way home from my all you can eat crab dinner"
"watching tv"
"playing rock band and sucking.. lol"
"playing with my wii"
WHO CARES!? Do people really want to know what you are doing all day and all night? Seriously, no. It's just a way for you to write something so that people can then comment and be like, "oh that's awesome." Or if you are sick you can put, "fighting a mean cold and it's winning" just so people can be like "awwww.. that' so sad. Can i do anything for you? I can bring you soup?"
SO FUCKING LAME.
Attention needing whores. I don't even think it's a friend whore type of thing. Or maybe it is. I don't really care about that. I just care how lame the status is. No.. correction. How lame the people are who change their status all day. I would say if you change it more then 2x a day, you are fucking lame.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
TMI Tuesday #157
1. Have you ever felt guilty or ashamed after a sexual experience?
Oh hell yeah. Guilty. Most def. I was married... umm.. I still am. I am separated currently. Since January. Damn, I really need to get the ball moving on this getting a divorce. Anyway.... I drove out to Wisconsin (long story short) to visit with some friends out there. I had been IMing with someone out there that I had actually not even met. Just exchanged pictures and of course the IMs and the e-mails got more and more heated. I knew I was going to sleep with him when I went out there. I was still living with my STBE and well, slept with another man. I felt guilty, but it just reaffirmed that I needed to be out of the marriage.
Other then that, I have not felt guilty or ashamed at all. I love sex (now that I'm having it) and I don't think that there is really anything that would make me feel guilty now or ashamed for that matter.
2. Did you ever own a fake ID?
No I did not. I never really needed to. My friends and I would drink at someone's house and we'd always find someone to buy us alcohol.
3. How often do you tell white lies? Is it with or without thinking?
Ummm.. daily. "Oh your new haircut looks good." "Wow, I would have never guessed you weighted 202lbs." It's just something that I do so that I don't have to hurt someone's feelings.
I think that in my life I do try to be as honest as possible.
Oh.. snap. My best friend is not really pleased with my relationship with Al Gore. So, I tend to lie to her and tell her that I'm doing something different when in reality, I am with Al. I don't like doing it. I just don't want her to give me a hard time about it.
4. On a scale of 1-10, how well do you receive constructive criticism?
Depends. I used to be a negative 5. Meaning I did not take it very well at all. Now I think that I have worked my way up to a positive 7 :-) I can take it well if it's given by someone that I respect and trust that they are not stupid. That they know what they are talking about. Otherwise, I just blow it off and don't think twice.
5. Have you ever shaved your pubic hair?
Hell to the yeah. I don't want to go down on a really hairy man and I don't think that he would want to do the same. When I met Al I was a landing strip kinda gal. He likes it all shaved so that's what I do. I did get it all waxed.. you know.. I visited Brazil. The waxing wasn't bad at all. It's just that it didn't last as long as I would have wanted. Now when I shave I have to try so hard not to get those stupid, irritation bumps. Really annoying.
Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?
NONE! ZIP! ZERO! (on the women side)
I started with Al Gore as a FWB (friends with benefits) and man, it was not at all easy to do. We had huge ups and downs and he freaked out on me several times when he thought I was getting too clingy (which in all honesty, I was). You need to be honest if you are going to try FWB. You have to go into and let the other person know your expectations and you have to hear what theirs are. If you start seeing someone else and esp if you are sleeping with them, you need to let the other know. It's just out of respect.
Can men do FWB? ABSOLUTELY. Sex to me is something personal. It's a connection. It's a feeling and men can disassociate between feelings of the heart and feelings of the body. Women can not. It's not a bad thing. It's just the way that it is. Al had no issues with us just sleeping together with no indication that this would ever go further. I, on the other hand, would think about it a lot.
I still do. I still wonder what's going on with us. We live apart. It takes about 2 hours to drive to see him. What happens next? I can't keep driving to see him. I mean, I guess I can b/c I do feel that what we do have together is amazing. He is an amazing human being and kind and loving. Caring and thoughtful. And above all else, I just feel so relaxed around him and it feels so amazing to just lay with him.. next to him. Skin 2 Skin.
Oh hell yeah. Guilty. Most def. I was married... umm.. I still am. I am separated currently. Since January. Damn, I really need to get the ball moving on this getting a divorce. Anyway.... I drove out to Wisconsin (long story short) to visit with some friends out there. I had been IMing with someone out there that I had actually not even met. Just exchanged pictures and of course the IMs and the e-mails got more and more heated. I knew I was going to sleep with him when I went out there. I was still living with my STBE and well, slept with another man. I felt guilty, but it just reaffirmed that I needed to be out of the marriage.
Other then that, I have not felt guilty or ashamed at all. I love sex (now that I'm having it) and I don't think that there is really anything that would make me feel guilty now or ashamed for that matter.
2. Did you ever own a fake ID?
No I did not. I never really needed to. My friends and I would drink at someone's house and we'd always find someone to buy us alcohol.
3. How often do you tell white lies? Is it with or without thinking?
Ummm.. daily. "Oh your new haircut looks good." "Wow, I would have never guessed you weighted 202lbs." It's just something that I do so that I don't have to hurt someone's feelings.
I think that in my life I do try to be as honest as possible.
Oh.. snap. My best friend is not really pleased with my relationship with Al Gore. So, I tend to lie to her and tell her that I'm doing something different when in reality, I am with Al. I don't like doing it. I just don't want her to give me a hard time about it.
4. On a scale of 1-10, how well do you receive constructive criticism?
Depends. I used to be a negative 5. Meaning I did not take it very well at all. Now I think that I have worked my way up to a positive 7 :-) I can take it well if it's given by someone that I respect and trust that they are not stupid. That they know what they are talking about. Otherwise, I just blow it off and don't think twice.
5. Have you ever shaved your pubic hair?
Hell to the yeah. I don't want to go down on a really hairy man and I don't think that he would want to do the same. When I met Al I was a landing strip kinda gal. He likes it all shaved so that's what I do. I did get it all waxed.. you know.. I visited Brazil. The waxing wasn't bad at all. It's just that it didn't last as long as I would have wanted. Now when I shave I have to try so hard not to get those stupid, irritation bumps. Really annoying.
Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?
NONE! ZIP! ZERO! (on the women side)
I started with Al Gore as a FWB (friends with benefits) and man, it was not at all easy to do. We had huge ups and downs and he freaked out on me several times when he thought I was getting too clingy (which in all honesty, I was). You need to be honest if you are going to try FWB. You have to go into and let the other person know your expectations and you have to hear what theirs are. If you start seeing someone else and esp if you are sleeping with them, you need to let the other know. It's just out of respect.
Can men do FWB? ABSOLUTELY. Sex to me is something personal. It's a connection. It's a feeling and men can disassociate between feelings of the heart and feelings of the body. Women can not. It's not a bad thing. It's just the way that it is. Al had no issues with us just sleeping together with no indication that this would ever go further. I, on the other hand, would think about it a lot.
I still do. I still wonder what's going on with us. We live apart. It takes about 2 hours to drive to see him. What happens next? I can't keep driving to see him. I mean, I guess I can b/c I do feel that what we do have together is amazing. He is an amazing human being and kind and loving. Caring and thoughtful. And above all else, I just feel so relaxed around him and it feels so amazing to just lay with him.. next to him. Skin 2 Skin.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Rant and a Rambling
Ok.. so this is a rant and probably a few rambling ideas. I have a court date on Monday for a speeding ticket that I am fighting. They said I was going 85 in a 55 and honestly, I really dont' think I was going that fast. They did not get me with radar or like a stop watch but the guy was following me. So we'll see how that goes. The ticket occurred in Maryland about 20 miles North of DC. The plan was, I am going to go stay at Al Gore's place on Saturday and Sunday nights and then drive to my court hearing on Monday.
All well and good right? He was supposed to be going to a show with is one friend tonight. Well they were going to do dinner and then the show. (which is why I was going to come down Saturday). Well ok.. So now the show is Saturday b/c he is just excessively busy and just can't remember to look at his calendar. He still wants me to come down on Saturday b/c he misses me and misses feeling my skin and be the receiver of my kisses.
Now, I totally do miss him as well and love being able to lay next to him naked. But... (there is always a but right?) Here is where it gets "fun." He goes to dinner, say 6 o'clock ish and then goes to the show and doesn't get home until say 1:30 at the earliest. I have to entertain myself for like 7 hours!!! Ok, so you think, "well Athena.. just watch tv or watch a movie." I can't. he does not have a tv and even if I were to bring a tv down, he does not have cable. So for 7 hours I have to find something to do.
I don't know if I can leave b/c I won't have keys to get back into his place. i know the building code to get in the door. Oh and his roommate is going to be there. Maybe her and I can just chill. Sounds like a good plan huh? Except the fact that she does not like that fact that I am there and around as she has so lovingly called me "the third roommate." And I do feel bad. I don't want to be "that guy." I don't want to be the annoying girlfriend that is always around.
So what to do. I do love his company and I would get to see him in the day time and then all of Sunday. But 7 hours with nothing to do? I just don't know if I can manage that.
BTW, I just bought a 32" plasma tv so I have that at home and I love it. I don't ever want to leave it. So blah.. I don't know. I just think our selfishness in wanting to see each other is going to cause me to be bored out of my mind!
All well and good right? He was supposed to be going to a show with is one friend tonight. Well they were going to do dinner and then the show. (which is why I was going to come down Saturday). Well ok.. So now the show is Saturday b/c he is just excessively busy and just can't remember to look at his calendar. He still wants me to come down on Saturday b/c he misses me and misses feeling my skin and be the receiver of my kisses.
Now, I totally do miss him as well and love being able to lay next to him naked. But... (there is always a but right?) Here is where it gets "fun." He goes to dinner, say 6 o'clock ish and then goes to the show and doesn't get home until say 1:30 at the earliest. I have to entertain myself for like 7 hours!!! Ok, so you think, "well Athena.. just watch tv or watch a movie." I can't. he does not have a tv and even if I were to bring a tv down, he does not have cable. So for 7 hours I have to find something to do.
I don't know if I can leave b/c I won't have keys to get back into his place. i know the building code to get in the door. Oh and his roommate is going to be there. Maybe her and I can just chill. Sounds like a good plan huh? Except the fact that she does not like that fact that I am there and around as she has so lovingly called me "the third roommate." And I do feel bad. I don't want to be "that guy." I don't want to be the annoying girlfriend that is always around.
So what to do. I do love his company and I would get to see him in the day time and then all of Sunday. But 7 hours with nothing to do? I just don't know if I can manage that.
BTW, I just bought a 32" plasma tv so I have that at home and I love it. I don't ever want to leave it. So blah.. I don't know. I just think our selfishness in wanting to see each other is going to cause me to be bored out of my mind!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
TMI Tuesday
7 Virtues
1. Prudence: When do you feel it is most important to exercise prudence?
This is Dictionary.com's version of what prudence is...
1. the quality or fact of being prudent.
2. caution with regard to practical matters; discretion.
3. regard for one's own interests.
4. provident care in the management of resources; economy; frugality.
I would like to think that, here at work, I do use prudence when I am trying to figure out why everyone is so stupid here. Lol.. no really, I have used prudence around Al Gore for months now. I don't like to share my personal life with too many people for a few reasons. One of which is because it's my business and no one needs to know about it. Also, I really didn't know what has been going on with him. I needed to watch out for myself and my heart.
2. Justice: Is a sense of justice really a virtue, or is only a tool that allows us to pass judgment on others without feeling guilty? What do you feel is the greatest injustice facing the world today?
Wow... the greatest injustice in the world today? God that is way too broad for me to even start. This is going to be totally selfish but I am fine admitted to it. I am sick of the United States being the world's "police force." You are your own country. We are our own country. You let yourselves into that mess, then you get yourself out of it. Such as Darfur. Sure it is extremely upsetting on the genocide that is going on there. However, you are part of a country. You as a country, you deal with it. I don't think that we, as American's, should be responsible for defending everyone and footing the bill for it.
With that being said, I HATE when things are not fair. I don't like when people are abused by the police or abused by the government. That is not fair and there is no justice served there.
3. Temperance: All things in moderation. Should we allow ourselves a few excesses? How well do you restrain yourself when faced with your deepest desires?
Hell yeah we need to allow for a few excesses. I think that if you can not let loose a little bit, no matter what your definition of "letting loose" is, you will just go crazy. How well do I restrain myself? God, not really well. When I am hungry for a certain food I eat it. When I want a new pair of shoes, I go out and find some. When I wanted to do "the nasty" with Al, then I do or at least I try really hard to get him into bed.
4. Courage/Fortitude: How well do you confront fear and uncertainty, or intimidation? Does facing the little things make you as brave as facing the big things?
I confront fear and uncertainty not so well. I am very happy and very secure in what I know, where I live, who I hang around, my job, my family.... I feel that I am adaptable to change. However, I don't really change that often and if I do, I just do things very slowly.
do the little things make me as brave as facing the big things? I'd like to think that by doing little things, by getting over something little, those little victories help you face the larger ones.
5. Faith: Is it important to have faith? How steadfast are you in your core beliefs? Do your core beliefs equate to faith in something?
Wow.. faith huh? I don't really believe in an organized religion. I think that it is all BS. I mean, the bible is basically a made up book, in my opinion. I do have "faith" in people though. I put my trust and my love with some select people. I have "faith" that they are not going to fuck me over. My core believes are a sense of right and wrong and to try to live my life with no regrets.
6. Hope: Does having hope for the future help you deal with the present? How good are you at finding the good in the bad? What is the thing you hope for most?
I don't really think I have or consciously think of hope for my future. I just live my life and make plans and work to make the plans a reality. I would like to think that I'm always trying to find the positive in negative situations.
7. Love/Charity: How easy is it for you to give selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness? How easy is it for you to receive selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness?
I find myself falling and giving too easily of my heart. As the older I get, the wiser I get and I guess, cold hearted in a way. I won't give my heart of my feelings to anyone and then when I do, it's pretty full bore. It's hard for me to reel back and not give of myself so much.
I also think it is really hard for me to receive unconditional love from someone. I feel that they will take it and use it and destroy me. I just keep waiting for it to happen so sometimes, I think I'm kind of fucked up like that. Placing my love in another's hands and then waiting for them to destroy it.
1. Prudence: When do you feel it is most important to exercise prudence?
This is Dictionary.com's version of what prudence is...
1. the quality or fact of being prudent.
2. caution with regard to practical matters; discretion.
3. regard for one's own interests.
4. provident care in the management of resources; economy; frugality.
I would like to think that, here at work, I do use prudence when I am trying to figure out why everyone is so stupid here. Lol.. no really, I have used prudence around Al Gore for months now. I don't like to share my personal life with too many people for a few reasons. One of which is because it's my business and no one needs to know about it. Also, I really didn't know what has been going on with him. I needed to watch out for myself and my heart.
2. Justice: Is a sense of justice really a virtue, or is only a tool that allows us to pass judgment on others without feeling guilty? What do you feel is the greatest injustice facing the world today?
Wow... the greatest injustice in the world today? God that is way too broad for me to even start. This is going to be totally selfish but I am fine admitted to it. I am sick of the United States being the world's "police force." You are your own country. We are our own country. You let yourselves into that mess, then you get yourself out of it. Such as Darfur. Sure it is extremely upsetting on the genocide that is going on there. However, you are part of a country. You as a country, you deal with it. I don't think that we, as American's, should be responsible for defending everyone and footing the bill for it.
With that being said, I HATE when things are not fair. I don't like when people are abused by the police or abused by the government. That is not fair and there is no justice served there.
3. Temperance: All things in moderation. Should we allow ourselves a few excesses? How well do you restrain yourself when faced with your deepest desires?
Hell yeah we need to allow for a few excesses. I think that if you can not let loose a little bit, no matter what your definition of "letting loose" is, you will just go crazy. How well do I restrain myself? God, not really well. When I am hungry for a certain food I eat it. When I want a new pair of shoes, I go out and find some. When I wanted to do "the nasty" with Al, then I do or at least I try really hard to get him into bed.
4. Courage/Fortitude: How well do you confront fear and uncertainty, or intimidation? Does facing the little things make you as brave as facing the big things?
I confront fear and uncertainty not so well. I am very happy and very secure in what I know, where I live, who I hang around, my job, my family.... I feel that I am adaptable to change. However, I don't really change that often and if I do, I just do things very slowly.
do the little things make me as brave as facing the big things? I'd like to think that by doing little things, by getting over something little, those little victories help you face the larger ones.
5. Faith: Is it important to have faith? How steadfast are you in your core beliefs? Do your core beliefs equate to faith in something?
Wow.. faith huh? I don't really believe in an organized religion. I think that it is all BS. I mean, the bible is basically a made up book, in my opinion. I do have "faith" in people though. I put my trust and my love with some select people. I have "faith" that they are not going to fuck me over. My core believes are a sense of right and wrong and to try to live my life with no regrets.
6. Hope: Does having hope for the future help you deal with the present? How good are you at finding the good in the bad? What is the thing you hope for most?
I don't really think I have or consciously think of hope for my future. I just live my life and make plans and work to make the plans a reality. I would like to think that I'm always trying to find the positive in negative situations.
7. Love/Charity: How easy is it for you to give selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness? How easy is it for you to receive selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness?
I find myself falling and giving too easily of my heart. As the older I get, the wiser I get and I guess, cold hearted in a way. I won't give my heart of my feelings to anyone and then when I do, it's pretty full bore. It's hard for me to reel back and not give of myself so much.
I also think it is really hard for me to receive unconditional love from someone. I feel that they will take it and use it and destroy me. I just keep waiting for it to happen so sometimes, I think I'm kind of fucked up like that. Placing my love in another's hands and then waiting for them to destroy it.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Hypocrite
When I am here, at work, I do some pretty boring stuff all day. My mind wonders all over the place. So that's how I got to thinking about topic. My b-cay which was in March, which AL moved like less then 2 weeks later.. ok. I knew there was an issue. I knew there was something going on with him. I had asked for honesty and I wasn't getting it. I knew that. I just did my typical... sit there and think of things for a while. Let it sink in and then wait for my time to pounce. So, the night of my b-day we were all pretty much trashed. He drove me and my friend that I have known since I was 6 back to his place (which Iw as living at b/c I had left the ex and needed a place to stay). We all talk for a while and then at some point my friend leaves. I am back in the bedroom and he eventually comes in. I just know there is something wrong. I am drunk. I start to cry. I just see him slipping out of my life and he won't even be man enough to admit it to me. I just start crying b/c it's like a part of me is dying. A friendship that I thought i had with him. A sexual relationship that I thought I had, I did not. Respect I thought I had, but didn't.
So I am now sobbing basically into his shoulder. The perfect chance for him to be like, "well yeah, I'm talking to an 'old' friend again and I"m going to go see her and I think I love her." but no. He did not. He let me cry and reassured me that I was not loosing him, when in fact I was. (this is part of the reason why it's hard for me to truly open up to him and truly trust him with my feelings).
Ok.. so cut to like 2 weeks later. He passes out across the bed so I don't even have any room to sleep unless I want to sleep in the fetal position... which I did not. So I tried to sleep on the couch, which was too short. I just started getting really really angry. And.. and...mr keep my stuff locked down, left his cell phone charging out in the open. So yes, I did a very psycho thing and I looked through his phone. I found this GIGANTIC string of text messages or IM between him and his "old friend." It was devistating to me. I have never had to exp. feelings like that. It was this hurt and betrayl and anger feelings all thrown at me at once. I was so livid.
Respect me. Honesty. Tell me that you are talking to someone and that you have feelings for this girl. In this string of texts/IM's i read how much he loved her. How much he was so excited to see her again. How he just bought a cheap ticket to fly back to see her. How living with me in his 1 bedroom, small apt, was just way too cramped for his liking. How i am always around. How he can't call her b/c I am there. How it sucks. It was crushing. I could have read more, but that was all I needed.
I packed up all the essentials, xbox, vibrator, laptop and clothes to wear to work tomorrow and hair stuff and I was out. Oh, I tried to write a note on a post it note. yeah, I should have known better then to try to write what I had to say on a post it. So I went to a blank piece of printer paper. I started with "Fuck you you stupid fuck." I went on, but I can't remember the rest. I put it on the tv, that was still on, and grabbed my bags and slammed the door and I was gone.
I then got some text message from him at like 3 am. Oh.. let me go back. I was hysterical at this point. Crying and just not in a good place. I tried like crazy to go to my best friends house, but she keeps her cell hpone downstairs. I tried knocking on her window and throwing stuff at her window, but she never came down. I didn't want to ring the doorbell b/c she has a son. I didn't want to scare him. I then called my friend that I've known since I was 6. She, thankfully, answered the phone. So I drove over to her place and she calmed me down.
Ok so I got these text massages and we just went back and forth and it was shitty. I felt so hurt. So betrayed. I had let my feelings take over my head and that's where it left me. I kept the post it note that I started to write a note on. I want to get it framed. I don't ever want to feel that way again. I don't ever want to place my feelings in someone else's hands that will just crush them.
I am now a pessimist with everything dealing with relationships. I think they are all bullshit. I think that everyone will fuck you over if you let them. Everyone will hurt you and I know that a lot of it is unintentional, but still, it hurts like a mother fucker.
so that's my story of how I was hurt by Al. Yet, I continue to trust this man? I continue to have feelings for this man. I know that it will happen again. That I will feel this hurt and this pain. I will do my best to play it off though, like a big girl and then cry to myself.
this is way long already.. peace out
So I am now sobbing basically into his shoulder. The perfect chance for him to be like, "well yeah, I'm talking to an 'old' friend again and I"m going to go see her and I think I love her." but no. He did not. He let me cry and reassured me that I was not loosing him, when in fact I was. (this is part of the reason why it's hard for me to truly open up to him and truly trust him with my feelings).
Ok.. so cut to like 2 weeks later. He passes out across the bed so I don't even have any room to sleep unless I want to sleep in the fetal position... which I did not. So I tried to sleep on the couch, which was too short. I just started getting really really angry. And.. and...mr keep my stuff locked down, left his cell phone charging out in the open. So yes, I did a very psycho thing and I looked through his phone. I found this GIGANTIC string of text messages or IM between him and his "old friend." It was devistating to me. I have never had to exp. feelings like that. It was this hurt and betrayl and anger feelings all thrown at me at once. I was so livid.
Respect me. Honesty. Tell me that you are talking to someone and that you have feelings for this girl. In this string of texts/IM's i read how much he loved her. How much he was so excited to see her again. How he just bought a cheap ticket to fly back to see her. How living with me in his 1 bedroom, small apt, was just way too cramped for his liking. How i am always around. How he can't call her b/c I am there. How it sucks. It was crushing. I could have read more, but that was all I needed.
I packed up all the essentials, xbox, vibrator, laptop and clothes to wear to work tomorrow and hair stuff and I was out. Oh, I tried to write a note on a post it note. yeah, I should have known better then to try to write what I had to say on a post it. So I went to a blank piece of printer paper. I started with "Fuck you you stupid fuck." I went on, but I can't remember the rest. I put it on the tv, that was still on, and grabbed my bags and slammed the door and I was gone.
I then got some text message from him at like 3 am. Oh.. let me go back. I was hysterical at this point. Crying and just not in a good place. I tried like crazy to go to my best friends house, but she keeps her cell hpone downstairs. I tried knocking on her window and throwing stuff at her window, but she never came down. I didn't want to ring the doorbell b/c she has a son. I didn't want to scare him. I then called my friend that I've known since I was 6. She, thankfully, answered the phone. So I drove over to her place and she calmed me down.
Ok so I got these text massages and we just went back and forth and it was shitty. I felt so hurt. So betrayed. I had let my feelings take over my head and that's where it left me. I kept the post it note that I started to write a note on. I want to get it framed. I don't ever want to feel that way again. I don't ever want to place my feelings in someone else's hands that will just crush them.
I am now a pessimist with everything dealing with relationships. I think they are all bullshit. I think that everyone will fuck you over if you let them. Everyone will hurt you and I know that a lot of it is unintentional, but still, it hurts like a mother fucker.
so that's my story of how I was hurt by Al. Yet, I continue to trust this man? I continue to have feelings for this man. I know that it will happen again. That I will feel this hurt and this pain. I will do my best to play it off though, like a big girl and then cry to myself.
this is way long already.. peace out
Thursday, October 2, 2008
To Grow Old?
I am.. again.. watching "Hopkins" and there was just an 80 year old man that was walking up steps with his wife and he fell backwards and has bleeding in his brain. IT was just the saddest thing ever to see the wife walk in to see her husband, with blood all over his head and kiss his bare shoulder. Just the pain in this woman's face just crushed me and I sit here, crying b/c it was just so sad to me.
I don't think that I will ever grow old with anyone. If I wasn't going to do it with the ex, then there is no way. god... so sad... just so sad. I mean, to live this life with someone for so long and then to see them fall right in front of your face. One second changes everything. One second and you are gone. One second and your life has changed... forever. I am so scared of possessing the amount of love for another human being that this wife had for her son. You just open yourself up to so much hurt. I'm sure you also experience a level of joy and happiness that you can only find when you find that person to go through this life with you. It's just so scary. So scary to be with someone for so long... to be so dependent on that person and then in a second, it's over. Why put yourself through that?
I don't think that I will ever grow old with anyone. If I wasn't going to do it with the ex, then there is no way. god... so sad... just so sad. I mean, to live this life with someone for so long and then to see them fall right in front of your face. One second changes everything. One second and you are gone. One second and your life has changed... forever. I am so scared of possessing the amount of love for another human being that this wife had for her son. You just open yourself up to so much hurt. I'm sure you also experience a level of joy and happiness that you can only find when you find that person to go through this life with you. It's just so scary. So scary to be with someone for so long... to be so dependent on that person and then in a second, it's over. Why put yourself through that?
Plan dizzles
So.... what is the plan for this weekend? I'm not really sure about Friday. I have several options. I can go to happy hour with my bff, but I don't think I can get into work earlier enough to do my 10 hours to then get to HH before they are all drunk. Plus I don't really know her work people. They aren't as friendly as mine are. Why do I say this? B/c I had my bff over to a BBQ with my work friends and they were very friendly and would talk to her and what not.
I could also stay at home and do some laundry and clean up. Which I really need to do anyway. Also, boy that I work with, his 28th b-day is today so he is going our Friday. I could go with, but then I may see L-dub and I'm not really sure if I want to see him since last Saturday night. Meh.. whatever. I can play that shit off better then anyone.
Saturday night, my cousin's boyfriend is having a surprise birthday party for my cousin on Saturday night in Philly. It's at 7 and I'm am def. going to go. I love my family. Al Gore is going to take a train up and I'm going to pick him up from the train station. I think the plan is that we are going to go to King of Prussia Mall for several things. Ok.. get this shit? I am tall right so finding pants is very hard. I hate stupid short chicks. They anger me b/c they "think" they are tall and buy talls, but they realyl aren't. So I get stuck, a person who really needs tall pants, with nothing. I NEED to find a pair of khaki and or tan pants and I can't find them. You'd think it wouldn't be that hard right? Well apparently, this season it is.
So Al and I are going to find me pants, maybe a coat, a Victoria's Secret GC for my cousin and a coat for him. Hopefully we can find all of that.
Ok.. so I'm watching "Hopkins" and they are doing a heart tranplant right now. That shit if crazy. You can take a heart from another, brain dead, human and put it in the body of someone else. That is just insane to me. Honestly, this is America baby. We do this shit. This is us.
Oh.. back to my original post... um... So party for my cousin on Saturday night and I wouldn't be surprised if her boyfriend asked her to marry him. I don't know if Al and I are going to stay with one of my cousins or at a hotel. I don't really care either way. I just want to chill with him. It is just so relaxing being around him. I love that and really appreciate him for that.
I don't know if I'm going to drive him home or if he's going to train it home. I could spend money on gas to take him home to see him for a few hours more. I have off on Monday so I can stay the night Sunday night and then drive back home Monday. I have no clue where his heads at.
You know what I don't like? I don't like that I think he has the upper hand. I know he would deny that, but it's just something I feel.
Ok well it's time for me to shove off. Peace
I could also stay at home and do some laundry and clean up. Which I really need to do anyway. Also, boy that I work with, his 28th b-day is today so he is going our Friday. I could go with, but then I may see L-dub and I'm not really sure if I want to see him since last Saturday night. Meh.. whatever. I can play that shit off better then anyone.
Saturday night, my cousin's boyfriend is having a surprise birthday party for my cousin on Saturday night in Philly. It's at 7 and I'm am def. going to go. I love my family. Al Gore is going to take a train up and I'm going to pick him up from the train station. I think the plan is that we are going to go to King of Prussia Mall for several things. Ok.. get this shit? I am tall right so finding pants is very hard. I hate stupid short chicks. They anger me b/c they "think" they are tall and buy talls, but they realyl aren't. So I get stuck, a person who really needs tall pants, with nothing. I NEED to find a pair of khaki and or tan pants and I can't find them. You'd think it wouldn't be that hard right? Well apparently, this season it is.
So Al and I are going to find me pants, maybe a coat, a Victoria's Secret GC for my cousin and a coat for him. Hopefully we can find all of that.
Ok.. so I'm watching "Hopkins" and they are doing a heart tranplant right now. That shit if crazy. You can take a heart from another, brain dead, human and put it in the body of someone else. That is just insane to me. Honestly, this is America baby. We do this shit. This is us.
Oh.. back to my original post... um... So party for my cousin on Saturday night and I wouldn't be surprised if her boyfriend asked her to marry him. I don't know if Al and I are going to stay with one of my cousins or at a hotel. I don't really care either way. I just want to chill with him. It is just so relaxing being around him. I love that and really appreciate him for that.
I don't know if I'm going to drive him home or if he's going to train it home. I could spend money on gas to take him home to see him for a few hours more. I have off on Monday so I can stay the night Sunday night and then drive back home Monday. I have no clue where his heads at.
You know what I don't like? I don't like that I think he has the upper hand. I know he would deny that, but it's just something I feel.
Ok well it's time for me to shove off. Peace
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