Hypocrite

When I am here, at work, I do some pretty boring stuff all day. My mind wonders all over the place. So that's how I got to thinking about topic. My b-cay which was in March, which AL moved like less then 2 weeks later.. ok. I knew there was an issue. I knew there was something going on with him. I had asked for honesty and I wasn't getting it. I knew that. I just did my typical... sit there and think of things for a while. Let it sink in and then wait for my time to pounce. So, the night of my b-day we were all pretty much trashed. He drove me and my friend that I have known since I was 6 back to his place (which Iw as living at b/c I had left the ex and needed a place to stay). We all talk for a while and then at some point my friend leaves. I am back in the bedroom and he eventually comes in. I just know there is something wrong. I am drunk. I start to cry. I just see him slipping out of my life and he won't even be man enough to admit it to me. I just start crying b/c it's like a part of me is dying. A friendship that I thought i had with him. A sexual relationship that I thought I had, I did not. Respect I thought I had, but didn't.

So I am now sobbing basically into his shoulder. The perfect chance for him to be like, "well yeah, I'm talking to an 'old' friend again and I"m going to go see her and I think I love her." but no. He did not. He let me cry and reassured me that I was not loosing him, when in fact I was. (this is part of the reason why it's hard for me to truly open up to him and truly trust him with my feelings).

Ok.. so cut to like 2 weeks later. He passes out across the bed so I don't even have any room to sleep unless I want to sleep in the fetal position... which I did not. So I tried to sleep on the couch, which was too short. I just started getting really really angry. And.. and...mr keep my stuff locked down, left his cell phone charging out in the open. So yes, I did a very psycho thing and I looked through his phone. I found this GIGANTIC string of text messages or IM between him and his "old friend." It was devistating to me. I have never had to exp. feelings like that. It was this hurt and betrayl and anger feelings all thrown at me at once. I was so livid.

Respect me. Honesty. Tell me that you are talking to someone and that you have feelings for this girl. In this string of texts/IM's i read how much he loved her. How much he was so excited to see her again. How he just bought a cheap ticket to fly back to see her. How living with me in his 1 bedroom, small apt, was just way too cramped for his liking. How i am always around. How he can't call her b/c I am there. How it sucks. It was crushing. I could have read more, but that was all I needed.

I packed up all the essentials, xbox, vibrator, laptop and clothes to wear to work tomorrow and hair stuff and I was out. Oh, I tried to write a note on a post it note. yeah, I should have known better then to try to write what I had to say on a post it. So I went to a blank piece of printer paper. I started with "Fuck you you stupid fuck." I went on, but I can't remember the rest. I put it on the tv, that was still on, and grabbed my bags and slammed the door and I was gone.

I then got some text message from him at like 3 am. Oh.. let me go back. I was hysterical at this point. Crying and just not in a good place. I tried like crazy to go to my best friends house, but she keeps her cell hpone downstairs. I tried knocking on her window and throwing stuff at her window, but she never came down. I didn't want to ring the doorbell b/c she has a son. I didn't want to scare him. I then called my friend that I've known since I was 6. She, thankfully, answered the phone. So I drove over to her place and she calmed me down.

Ok so I got these text massages and we just went back and forth and it was shitty. I felt so hurt. So betrayed. I had let my feelings take over my head and that's where it left me. I kept the post it note that I started to write a note on. I want to get it framed. I don't ever want to feel that way again. I don't ever want to place my feelings in someone else's hands that will just crush them.

I am now a pessimist with everything dealing with relationships. I think they are all bullshit. I think that everyone will fuck you over if you let them. Everyone will hurt you and I know that a lot of it is unintentional, but still, it hurts like a mother fucker.

so that's my story of how I was hurt by Al. Yet, I continue to trust this man? I continue to have feelings for this man. I know that it will happen again. That I will feel this hurt and this pain. I will do my best to play it off though, like a big girl and then cry to myself.

this is way long already.. peace out