Communication Break Down

So I write Al Gore all kinds of e-mails and then I never send them. I think I have like 40 or so e-mails in my drafts. I guess maybe our communication issues have to deal with both of us, but I think I'll take a lot of the blame. I have never had these issues with communicating with someone. Most of the time you can't shut me up.

My mom said that when I was younger and I'd come through the front door and she'd know immediately how my day was. I think that's the kind of person I am. I think that you just know how I am feeling as soon as you see me. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so to speak.

Now with Al gore, I have been stunted with my feelings. I tried to confess them early on and got shot down so I think that has prevented me from expressing them now. I want to tell him that I love him, but I get freaked out b/c I've never been with anyone that is friends with so many of the girls that he's been intimate with. It's hard. It's very hard knowing that Portland chick was a pas "friend" that he rekindled and then flew out to Portland to see her.

I don't know if he really gets me. I don't know if I even really know me and who i am to be able to share it with someone else. I think that I try to change and find out the things that he likes. Read the things that he reads to better understand him yet I don't feel that he does the same for me.

It's hard for me when he works and I have no idea what he's up to. He works long hours, but like is he really working? Yes he really is 99% of the time. I just have never had such a disconnect with someone. It sucks that we dont' live that close to each other. We don't live that far away either, but it's hard when I don't get to come home.

I want to be able to cook for him and take care of him. I want this, and I don't know if he wants the same. It's just hard for me to really trust in him b/c I'm so afraid I'm going to get hurt.

So I'll go write another e-mail and it'll get saved as a draft to never be read by him.