I have tomorrow off (thank you 4 ten hour days!!!) so I'm going to sleep in, do some laundry and clean up around the house a little. I am going over to my friend's house for dinner and drinks and then we are going to go out so that should be fun. New area and new clubs to hit up so yeah! Maybe I can get hit on by Mexican's or Crackheads.
Then Al Gore is coming up on Saturday to spend the weekend with me. We have a few things planed by sex all over the house should be one of them. Maybe in the pool. Who knows?
Of course, I'll be bored so I will posting here.
-AM
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Dream
Ok.. so normally I don't remember dreams or I just remember feelings associated with a dream. But I remember this one b/c my alarm woke me up to it, I hit snooze and went back to the dream. Kind of cool.
It's short... but I think the representation of the dream is seriously how I feel.
I was at the beach with a bunch of people. My sister was there and Al Gore was there and other people were there. Not sure who else, I just know that I knew a lot of the people. Basically, Al Gore went with a male friend (had a feeling I knew who this person was, but that I did not know him very well). Al ignored me like crazy. Wouldn't talk to me. Wouldn't sit by me. Would move if I came close to him. He would give me dirty looks. He was talking about me to the guy that he was with.
So that's short and sweet right? Finally. I think that the dream just illustrates how uncomfortable I am around Al. That I think, at a moments notice, he's just going to drop me. That he'll find someone cooler to hang out with and I'll be discarded by the wayside. I know where those feelings come from. He did it to me twice. Once with this 19 year old chick that he was dating and once with this chick from where he is from originally. He just, like, became all distant and there was this "shift." I could tell the first time that there was a shift, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Now I know what it is.
Since I never had to experience that with the ex, these feelings of someone finding someone better are so new to me that I don't know what to do with them. And what's worse, is that Al is just a FWB. We are not dating or anything. BUT.. BUT... when we were out with a friend this past weekend, he was pretty protective of me.
I do want to test it out though. I want to have him around when I go out to a bar and I'll just twitter around and talk to random people just to see how he reacts to it. He has no ties to me. I have no ties to him. We are free to do what we please. Although, there is this random bond of trust that we have that the other is to be honest and upfront with the other. If that makes sense.
Oh well.. just rambling at this point.
It's short... but I think the representation of the dream is seriously how I feel.
I was at the beach with a bunch of people. My sister was there and Al Gore was there and other people were there. Not sure who else, I just know that I knew a lot of the people. Basically, Al Gore went with a male friend (had a feeling I knew who this person was, but that I did not know him very well). Al ignored me like crazy. Wouldn't talk to me. Wouldn't sit by me. Would move if I came close to him. He would give me dirty looks. He was talking about me to the guy that he was with.
So that's short and sweet right? Finally. I think that the dream just illustrates how uncomfortable I am around Al. That I think, at a moments notice, he's just going to drop me. That he'll find someone cooler to hang out with and I'll be discarded by the wayside. I know where those feelings come from. He did it to me twice. Once with this 19 year old chick that he was dating and once with this chick from where he is from originally. He just, like, became all distant and there was this "shift." I could tell the first time that there was a shift, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Now I know what it is.
Since I never had to experience that with the ex, these feelings of someone finding someone better are so new to me that I don't know what to do with them. And what's worse, is that Al is just a FWB. We are not dating or anything. BUT.. BUT... when we were out with a friend this past weekend, he was pretty protective of me.
I do want to test it out though. I want to have him around when I go out to a bar and I'll just twitter around and talk to random people just to see how he reacts to it. He has no ties to me. I have no ties to him. We are free to do what we please. Although, there is this random bond of trust that we have that the other is to be honest and upfront with the other. If that makes sense.
Oh well.. just rambling at this point.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
.... had to leave
I just sent my girl an e-mail and we were chatting back and forth since she's still at work. Anyway... she was asking me about the ex and (let me go pull the e-mail)
JD: and yeah, i can understand that you were happy you left because you weren't in love, but it's the fact of missing that comfort they gave you for such a long time. it's more or less you don't want to be with them but you don't know how to live life without them.
ME: I miss the financial stability that XXXXX offered me and honestly, JD, by the end, it was prison. I needed to live w/o him. It was the only way to survive.
I needed to live w/o him... it was the only way to survive. I think that is a powerful statement right there. I'm going to have to let that sink in.
JD: and yeah, i can understand that you were happy you left because you weren't in love, but it's the fact of missing that comfort they gave you for such a long time. it's more or less you don't want to be with them but you don't know how to live life without them.
ME: I miss the financial stability that XXXXX offered me and honestly, JD, by the end, it was prison. I needed to live w/o him. It was the only way to survive.
I needed to live w/o him... it was the only way to survive. I think that is a powerful statement right there. I'm going to have to let that sink in.
ahhhh!!!
Why was I trying to make plans with Al Gore for this weekend and he just now told me that he has a dinner on Friday? What the fuck? And no mention at all of what dinner. Not that it's that big of a deal. Seriously. I just don't like that I try to make plans and something puts a kink in my plan.
I'll tell anyone that reads this what's up when I make plans.
I'll tell anyone that reads this what's up when I make plans.
Things I want to say, but never can
I'd like to tell my best friend that she is beautiful, but she needs to stop dressing like an 18 year old skank going out to dive bars. I want her to dress appropriately in all situations. She doesn't need to be the hoe of the party. It's embarassing to me as well as to the host of the party. It's time to class it up a little bit. You can be sexy without being trampy. I know it'll cost a little more money to buy some more clothes, but it's worth it. You'll get classier men and find someone to settle down with.
Also, I don't like to hang out with you, well going out to bars, b/c if you are not talked to by a man, any man, then you think that the night is not a success. Why can't we just go out, enjoy ourselves and if we meet up with some guys, that's cool? If you go out with an agenda, you'll never meet it.
To my oldest sister. I am sorry that you are sick. I do question if you are sick or if it's not depression and chronic fatigue. I do feel closer to our other sister then I do you. It's been that way our entire life. You and I never got along. I am very protective over you and your children. I remember when you first had MSJD that you would call a_dubs and I to watch her or to help you clean. You never called to say what's up. It was always to come help watch the kids. That's hard to try to build a friendship with you when you feel that you are being used.
I do love you and I want you to get better. I know how upsetting it is for you to not be able to raise your children the way that you want to; to be involved in their lives. I think that you are kind of a crappy mother though. You know Spanish and yet you don't teach your children how to speak it? MSJD is very dyslexic and you don't work with her. BSTD is 5 and he doesn't know his numbers and won't say his alphabet. So I don't know if doesn't know it or if he's just being stubborn and not talking. He also can't spell his name. He's 5!!!!
Now to Al Gore. I just want to tell you that you intimidate me with your brilliance and your humor and your wit. I try to keep up, but I often feel that I am subpar. You are amazing. You give me strength to carry on and to make myself a better person. When I am with you I just have fun.. we just have fun. There is no pressure for me to be someone that I am not. I love you. I want you to love me. I want to feel important to you. I want you to show some kind of effort in our "friendship." I want to travel with you and I want to see all of the wonderful places that we talk about. I want to go back to Portland and see where you grew up and meet your friends. However, I feel that you hide them from me. That you don't want me to actually meet them. You talk about them a lot and they seem cool. I just don't understand it.
On the same lines... I want to tell you that I'm scared. When I got with the ex, I did everything. I went to see him when he was in college 3 weekends out of every month. I did that. I changed my college schedule so I could be there with him Thursday night - Sunday night. I went to school an hour from him so that I could see him more. I did it all. Also, when I would talk to the ex, he was always high. He was always fucked up. I see you doing that. I see me making all the effort. I see me giving and sharing and I see you taking and then like, giving back. I know you care about me. That was never in question. I just don't want history to repeat itself. I want someone to show me that they care. Someone that will let me know, have me feel that I am the most important thing in your life. NOw I know.. I know... we are not there in our "friendship," but I want to be. AT some point.
There will come a time, in the future, where i will want more. You can either give it to me, or not. If you do, that's will be spec-fucking-tacular. If you can't, that is ok too. I can respect that. We can still keep in touch, but it would be too hard for me to be that involved in your life and then seeing you with someone else.
Also, I don't like to hang out with you, well going out to bars, b/c if you are not talked to by a man, any man, then you think that the night is not a success. Why can't we just go out, enjoy ourselves and if we meet up with some guys, that's cool? If you go out with an agenda, you'll never meet it.
To my oldest sister. I am sorry that you are sick. I do question if you are sick or if it's not depression and chronic fatigue. I do feel closer to our other sister then I do you. It's been that way our entire life. You and I never got along. I am very protective over you and your children. I remember when you first had MSJD that you would call a_dubs and I to watch her or to help you clean. You never called to say what's up. It was always to come help watch the kids. That's hard to try to build a friendship with you when you feel that you are being used.
I do love you and I want you to get better. I know how upsetting it is for you to not be able to raise your children the way that you want to; to be involved in their lives. I think that you are kind of a crappy mother though. You know Spanish and yet you don't teach your children how to speak it? MSJD is very dyslexic and you don't work with her. BSTD is 5 and he doesn't know his numbers and won't say his alphabet. So I don't know if doesn't know it or if he's just being stubborn and not talking. He also can't spell his name. He's 5!!!!
Now to Al Gore. I just want to tell you that you intimidate me with your brilliance and your humor and your wit. I try to keep up, but I often feel that I am subpar. You are amazing. You give me strength to carry on and to make myself a better person. When I am with you I just have fun.. we just have fun. There is no pressure for me to be someone that I am not. I love you. I want you to love me. I want to feel important to you. I want you to show some kind of effort in our "friendship." I want to travel with you and I want to see all of the wonderful places that we talk about. I want to go back to Portland and see where you grew up and meet your friends. However, I feel that you hide them from me. That you don't want me to actually meet them. You talk about them a lot and they seem cool. I just don't understand it.
On the same lines... I want to tell you that I'm scared. When I got with the ex, I did everything. I went to see him when he was in college 3 weekends out of every month. I did that. I changed my college schedule so I could be there with him Thursday night - Sunday night. I went to school an hour from him so that I could see him more. I did it all. Also, when I would talk to the ex, he was always high. He was always fucked up. I see you doing that. I see me making all the effort. I see me giving and sharing and I see you taking and then like, giving back. I know you care about me. That was never in question. I just don't want history to repeat itself. I want someone to show me that they care. Someone that will let me know, have me feel that I am the most important thing in your life. NOw I know.. I know... we are not there in our "friendship," but I want to be. AT some point.
There will come a time, in the future, where i will want more. You can either give it to me, or not. If you do, that's will be spec-fucking-tacular. If you can't, that is ok too. I can respect that. We can still keep in touch, but it would be too hard for me to be that involved in your life and then seeing you with someone else.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
TMI Tuesday!
What is the one thing you would change about your body?
I am really tall. 6' to be exact. I think that I would like to be a few inches shorter. Maybe 5'9" so I'd be able to wear heels and not feel like an amazon. I'd also like to have a better chin. I personally think that it doesn't stick out far enough so that it makes my face look kinda wonky. Also, my one eye is totally larger then the other. I always look drunk or stoned in any picture that is taken.
What is the one personality trait you would change?
I am stubborn, but I wish I had more self confidence. I put on a great show aka a great game face that I do have a lot of confidence. I was just knocked down by multiple job interviews and never receiving a job offer. Also, my FWB, Al Gore, I just question if I'm good enough for him. It really sucks lacking confidence b/c when you do break down about it or get moody, people just don't understand why.
What is the one thing about your job you would change?
OH Jesus Christ!! I would change everything about my job. I fucking hate this job. I work for just over $15/hour and I've been here for 5 years. The management here sucks big time. Seriously. They have no idea what it is their "people" do. I have a senior who reports to my manager and neither of them know what it is that I do. Ok, they have a concept, but they don't even know how to approach what I do.
It is so frustrating b/c of the above question. When you don't have a ton of self confidence, looking for a job and all the interviews really takes a hit on your ego.
I guess you wouldn't be able to appreciate the good times/good jobs if you haven't had shitty ones.
What is the one thing about your home you would change?
I want to live back at my home. Currently the EX is living there with my dogs :-( My babies. But I would mostly likely have sold it if I had lived there. Too many memories. I currently live with my parents and their house is great. It just needs a lot of updating.
What is the one thing about your Significant Other you would change?
What Significant other?
Who is the one person you would poof out of your life and why?
I have this bitch of a "friend" named Kelly. I will even use her real name. Kelly Rae Smith. Her and I were bff in HS and then drifted apart. She is seriously a crazy alcoholic. I'm not even joking. I was there for her when so many others bailed b/c she's so fucking crazy. Then I found out, that bitch had the nerve to tell my soon to be ex that I was with for 13 years, that she's always loved him. girrrrrrllll.. I will knock you out if I ever see you. Thankfully she moved to Delaware.
Who is the one person you would poof back in and why?
Prob my friend Josh. He married some whorebag and had children with her and lives in the Florida Keys. It's sad. We were really really close. Also my friend Ryan. Same deal. They were awesome.
I am really tall. 6' to be exact. I think that I would like to be a few inches shorter. Maybe 5'9" so I'd be able to wear heels and not feel like an amazon. I'd also like to have a better chin. I personally think that it doesn't stick out far enough so that it makes my face look kinda wonky. Also, my one eye is totally larger then the other. I always look drunk or stoned in any picture that is taken.
What is the one personality trait you would change?
I am stubborn, but I wish I had more self confidence. I put on a great show aka a great game face that I do have a lot of confidence. I was just knocked down by multiple job interviews and never receiving a job offer. Also, my FWB, Al Gore, I just question if I'm good enough for him. It really sucks lacking confidence b/c when you do break down about it or get moody, people just don't understand why.
What is the one thing about your job you would change?
OH Jesus Christ!! I would change everything about my job. I fucking hate this job. I work for just over $15/hour and I've been here for 5 years. The management here sucks big time. Seriously. They have no idea what it is their "people" do. I have a senior who reports to my manager and neither of them know what it is that I do. Ok, they have a concept, but they don't even know how to approach what I do.
It is so frustrating b/c of the above question. When you don't have a ton of self confidence, looking for a job and all the interviews really takes a hit on your ego.
I guess you wouldn't be able to appreciate the good times/good jobs if you haven't had shitty ones.
What is the one thing about your home you would change?
I want to live back at my home. Currently the EX is living there with my dogs :-( My babies. But I would mostly likely have sold it if I had lived there. Too many memories. I currently live with my parents and their house is great. It just needs a lot of updating.
What is the one thing about your Significant Other you would change?
What Significant other?
Who is the one person you would poof out of your life and why?
I have this bitch of a "friend" named Kelly. I will even use her real name. Kelly Rae Smith. Her and I were bff in HS and then drifted apart. She is seriously a crazy alcoholic. I'm not even joking. I was there for her when so many others bailed b/c she's so fucking crazy. Then I found out, that bitch had the nerve to tell my soon to be ex that I was with for 13 years, that she's always loved him. girrrrrrllll.. I will knock you out if I ever see you. Thankfully she moved to Delaware.
Who is the one person you would poof back in and why?
Prob my friend Josh. He married some whorebag and had children with her and lives in the Florida Keys. It's sad. We were really really close. Also my friend Ryan. Same deal. They were awesome.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Stupid, self doubting, girlish inadequacies
Ok.. So blog #2 today. How I feel inadequate for Al Gore. Ok.. first let me re-cap for you for a hot second. Al Gore was a friend of mine that used to live here, but now lives about 2 hours south of me. I go to see him quite frequently as he does not have a car (and doesn't need one in the city that he is in) and well, I live at home with mom and dad. He freaked out on me back in June b/c he thought I was catching feelings, which in all honesty I was, but that's another blog. So, now I am super super careful about saying too much to him about anything.
There are times when I do just look at him and think that he has wonderful, amazing, expressive eyes and those adorable smile creases by his eyes and my little lame heart goes pitty pat. I know that he is losing hair, but for some fucking God forsaken reason unbeknownst to me he still looks fantastic.
We genuinely have a wonderful time together doing nothing or just going out to dinner and a movie. Ok, let me get back on subject.... He is very intelligent and is just a different type of person/man that previously I would never have hung out with or been friends with. So there are topics of conversations and things that he discusses with other people that I feel so unversed about and can't even chime in. He likes different music then I do and reads different things.
I think this is genuinely a good thing b/c I feel that he broadens my views and horizons on many things. I just wish that I could do that for him or really feel that I am doing that for him. I want it to be able to be a give and take relationship. FRIENDSHIP... (note to self... friendship there is no relationship here)
I just feel that I am not deep enough nor am I smart enough for him and eventually he'll get a clue and I'll be gone. I just don't feel special. I think it's partly b/c maybe he doesn't do a lot to make me feel special or 1) that I don't tell him b/c I don't want him to freak out so he doesn't know 2) It's my lame, stupid, self doubting, girlish inadequate mind taking over.
I want to feel loved and I want to feel special. I think b/c I really didn't feel that with my Soon to Be Ex Husband that I've been craving it for so long. Al Gore did offer it to me in the beginning, but I don't know where we went wrong or what happened to our communication skillz.
anyway.. So that's how i feel that I am stupid and not good enough for Al.
There are times when I do just look at him and think that he has wonderful, amazing, expressive eyes and those adorable smile creases by his eyes and my little lame heart goes pitty pat. I know that he is losing hair, but for some fucking God forsaken reason unbeknownst to me he still looks fantastic.
We genuinely have a wonderful time together doing nothing or just going out to dinner and a movie. Ok, let me get back on subject.... He is very intelligent and is just a different type of person/man that previously I would never have hung out with or been friends with. So there are topics of conversations and things that he discusses with other people that I feel so unversed about and can't even chime in. He likes different music then I do and reads different things.
I think this is genuinely a good thing b/c I feel that he broadens my views and horizons on many things. I just wish that I could do that for him or really feel that I am doing that for him. I want it to be able to be a give and take relationship. FRIENDSHIP... (note to self... friendship there is no relationship here)
I just feel that I am not deep enough nor am I smart enough for him and eventually he'll get a clue and I'll be gone. I just don't feel special. I think it's partly b/c maybe he doesn't do a lot to make me feel special or 1) that I don't tell him b/c I don't want him to freak out so he doesn't know 2) It's my lame, stupid, self doubting, girlish inadequate mind taking over.
I want to feel loved and I want to feel special. I think b/c I really didn't feel that with my Soon to Be Ex Husband that I've been craving it for so long. Al Gore did offer it to me in the beginning, but I don't know where we went wrong or what happened to our communication skillz.
anyway.. So that's how i feel that I am stupid and not good enough for Al.
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