Things I want to say, but never can

I'd like to tell my best friend that she is beautiful, but she needs to stop dressing like an 18 year old skank going out to dive bars. I want her to dress appropriately in all situations. She doesn't need to be the hoe of the party. It's embarassing to me as well as to the host of the party. It's time to class it up a little bit. You can be sexy without being trampy. I know it'll cost a little more money to buy some more clothes, but it's worth it. You'll get classier men and find someone to settle down with.

Also, I don't like to hang out with you, well going out to bars, b/c if you are not talked to by a man, any man, then you think that the night is not a success. Why can't we just go out, enjoy ourselves and if we meet up with some guys, that's cool? If you go out with an agenda, you'll never meet it.

To my oldest sister. I am sorry that you are sick. I do question if you are sick or if it's not depression and chronic fatigue. I do feel closer to our other sister then I do you. It's been that way our entire life. You and I never got along. I am very protective over you and your children. I remember when you first had MSJD that you would call a_dubs and I to watch her or to help you clean. You never called to say what's up. It was always to come help watch the kids. That's hard to try to build a friendship with you when you feel that you are being used.

I do love you and I want you to get better. I know how upsetting it is for you to not be able to raise your children the way that you want to; to be involved in their lives. I think that you are kind of a crappy mother though. You know Spanish and yet you don't teach your children how to speak it? MSJD is very dyslexic and you don't work with her. BSTD is 5 and he doesn't know his numbers and won't say his alphabet. So I don't know if doesn't know it or if he's just being stubborn and not talking. He also can't spell his name. He's 5!!!!

Now to Al Gore. I just want to tell you that you intimidate me with your brilliance and your humor and your wit. I try to keep up, but I often feel that I am subpar. You are amazing. You give me strength to carry on and to make myself a better person. When I am with you I just have fun.. we just have fun. There is no pressure for me to be someone that I am not. I love you. I want you to love me. I want to feel important to you. I want you to show some kind of effort in our "friendship." I want to travel with you and I want to see all of the wonderful places that we talk about. I want to go back to Portland and see where you grew up and meet your friends. However, I feel that you hide them from me. That you don't want me to actually meet them. You talk about them a lot and they seem cool. I just don't understand it.

On the same lines... I want to tell you that I'm scared. When I got with the ex, I did everything. I went to see him when he was in college 3 weekends out of every month. I did that. I changed my college schedule so I could be there with him Thursday night - Sunday night. I went to school an hour from him so that I could see him more. I did it all. Also, when I would talk to the ex, he was always high. He was always fucked up. I see you doing that. I see me making all the effort. I see me giving and sharing and I see you taking and then like, giving back. I know you care about me. That was never in question. I just don't want history to repeat itself. I want someone to show me that they care. Someone that will let me know, have me feel that I am the most important thing in your life. NOw I know.. I know... we are not there in our "friendship," but I want to be. AT some point.

There will come a time, in the future, where i will want more. You can either give it to me, or not. If you do, that's will be spec-fucking-tacular. If you can't, that is ok too. I can respect that. We can still keep in touch, but it would be too hard for me to be that involved in your life and then seeing you with someone else.