Stupid, self doubting, girlish inadequacies

Ok.. So blog #2 today. How I feel inadequate for Al Gore. Ok.. first let me re-cap for you for a hot second. Al Gore was a friend of mine that used to live here, but now lives about 2 hours south of me. I go to see him quite frequently as he does not have a car (and doesn't need one in the city that he is in) and well, I live at home with mom and dad. He freaked out on me back in June b/c he thought I was catching feelings, which in all honesty I was, but that's another blog. So, now I am super super careful about saying too much to him about anything.

There are times when I do just look at him and think that he has wonderful, amazing, expressive eyes and those adorable smile creases by his eyes and my little lame heart goes pitty pat. I know that he is losing hair, but for some fucking God forsaken reason unbeknownst to me he still looks fantastic.

We genuinely have a wonderful time together doing nothing or just going out to dinner and a movie. Ok, let me get back on subject.... He is very intelligent and is just a different type of person/man that previously I would never have hung out with or been friends with. So there are topics of conversations and things that he discusses with other people that I feel so unversed about and can't even chime in. He likes different music then I do and reads different things.

I think this is genuinely a good thing b/c I feel that he broadens my views and horizons on many things. I just wish that I could do that for him or really feel that I am doing that for him. I want it to be able to be a give and take relationship. FRIENDSHIP... (note to self... friendship there is no relationship here)

I just feel that I am not deep enough nor am I smart enough for him and eventually he'll get a clue and I'll be gone. I just don't feel special. I think it's partly b/c maybe he doesn't do a lot to make me feel special or 1) that I don't tell him b/c I don't want him to freak out so he doesn't know 2) It's my lame, stupid, self doubting, girlish inadequate mind taking over.

I want to feel loved and I want to feel special. I think b/c I really didn't feel that with my Soon to Be Ex Husband that I've been craving it for so long. Al Gore did offer it to me in the beginning, but I don't know where we went wrong or what happened to our communication skillz.

anyway.. So that's how i feel that I am stupid and not good enough for Al.