I have tomorrow off (thank you 4 ten hour days!!!) so I'm going to sleep in, do some laundry and clean up around the house a little. I am going over to my friend's house for dinner and drinks and then we are going to go out so that should be fun. New area and new clubs to hit up so yeah! Maybe I can get hit on by Mexican's or Crackheads.
Then Al Gore is coming up on Saturday to spend the weekend with me. We have a few things planed by sex all over the house should be one of them. Maybe in the pool. Who knows?
Of course, I'll be bored so I will posting here.
-AM
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Dream
Ok.. so normally I don't remember dreams or I just remember feelings associated with a dream. But I remember this one b/c my alarm woke me up to it, I hit snooze and went back to the dream. Kind of cool.
It's short... but I think the representation of the dream is seriously how I feel.
I was at the beach with a bunch of people. My sister was there and Al Gore was there and other people were there. Not sure who else, I just know that I knew a lot of the people. Basically, Al Gore went with a male friend (had a feeling I knew who this person was, but that I did not know him very well). Al ignored me like crazy. Wouldn't talk to me. Wouldn't sit by me. Would move if I came close to him. He would give me dirty looks. He was talking about me to the guy that he was with.
So that's short and sweet right? Finally. I think that the dream just illustrates how uncomfortable I am around Al. That I think, at a moments notice, he's just going to drop me. That he'll find someone cooler to hang out with and I'll be discarded by the wayside. I know where those feelings come from. He did it to me twice. Once with this 19 year old chick that he was dating and once with this chick from where he is from originally. He just, like, became all distant and there was this "shift." I could tell the first time that there was a shift, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Now I know what it is.
Since I never had to experience that with the ex, these feelings of someone finding someone better are so new to me that I don't know what to do with them. And what's worse, is that Al is just a FWB. We are not dating or anything. BUT.. BUT... when we were out with a friend this past weekend, he was pretty protective of me.
I do want to test it out though. I want to have him around when I go out to a bar and I'll just twitter around and talk to random people just to see how he reacts to it. He has no ties to me. I have no ties to him. We are free to do what we please. Although, there is this random bond of trust that we have that the other is to be honest and upfront with the other. If that makes sense.
Oh well.. just rambling at this point.
It's short... but I think the representation of the dream is seriously how I feel.
I was at the beach with a bunch of people. My sister was there and Al Gore was there and other people were there. Not sure who else, I just know that I knew a lot of the people. Basically, Al Gore went with a male friend (had a feeling I knew who this person was, but that I did not know him very well). Al ignored me like crazy. Wouldn't talk to me. Wouldn't sit by me. Would move if I came close to him. He would give me dirty looks. He was talking about me to the guy that he was with.
So that's short and sweet right? Finally. I think that the dream just illustrates how uncomfortable I am around Al. That I think, at a moments notice, he's just going to drop me. That he'll find someone cooler to hang out with and I'll be discarded by the wayside. I know where those feelings come from. He did it to me twice. Once with this 19 year old chick that he was dating and once with this chick from where he is from originally. He just, like, became all distant and there was this "shift." I could tell the first time that there was a shift, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Now I know what it is.
Since I never had to experience that with the ex, these feelings of someone finding someone better are so new to me that I don't know what to do with them. And what's worse, is that Al is just a FWB. We are not dating or anything. BUT.. BUT... when we were out with a friend this past weekend, he was pretty protective of me.
I do want to test it out though. I want to have him around when I go out to a bar and I'll just twitter around and talk to random people just to see how he reacts to it. He has no ties to me. I have no ties to him. We are free to do what we please. Although, there is this random bond of trust that we have that the other is to be honest and upfront with the other. If that makes sense.
Oh well.. just rambling at this point.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
.... had to leave
I just sent my girl an e-mail and we were chatting back and forth since she's still at work. Anyway... she was asking me about the ex and (let me go pull the e-mail)
JD: and yeah, i can understand that you were happy you left because you weren't in love, but it's the fact of missing that comfort they gave you for such a long time. it's more or less you don't want to be with them but you don't know how to live life without them.
ME: I miss the financial stability that XXXXX offered me and honestly, JD, by the end, it was prison. I needed to live w/o him. It was the only way to survive.
I needed to live w/o him... it was the only way to survive. I think that is a powerful statement right there. I'm going to have to let that sink in.
JD: and yeah, i can understand that you were happy you left because you weren't in love, but it's the fact of missing that comfort they gave you for such a long time. it's more or less you don't want to be with them but you don't know how to live life without them.
ME: I miss the financial stability that XXXXX offered me and honestly, JD, by the end, it was prison. I needed to live w/o him. It was the only way to survive.
I needed to live w/o him... it was the only way to survive. I think that is a powerful statement right there. I'm going to have to let that sink in.
ahhhh!!!
Why was I trying to make plans with Al Gore for this weekend and he just now told me that he has a dinner on Friday? What the fuck? And no mention at all of what dinner. Not that it's that big of a deal. Seriously. I just don't like that I try to make plans and something puts a kink in my plan.
I'll tell anyone that reads this what's up when I make plans.
I'll tell anyone that reads this what's up when I make plans.
Things I want to say, but never can
I'd like to tell my best friend that she is beautiful, but she needs to stop dressing like an 18 year old skank going out to dive bars. I want her to dress appropriately in all situations. She doesn't need to be the hoe of the party. It's embarassing to me as well as to the host of the party. It's time to class it up a little bit. You can be sexy without being trampy. I know it'll cost a little more money to buy some more clothes, but it's worth it. You'll get classier men and find someone to settle down with.
Also, I don't like to hang out with you, well going out to bars, b/c if you are not talked to by a man, any man, then you think that the night is not a success. Why can't we just go out, enjoy ourselves and if we meet up with some guys, that's cool? If you go out with an agenda, you'll never meet it.
To my oldest sister. I am sorry that you are sick. I do question if you are sick or if it's not depression and chronic fatigue. I do feel closer to our other sister then I do you. It's been that way our entire life. You and I never got along. I am very protective over you and your children. I remember when you first had MSJD that you would call a_dubs and I to watch her or to help you clean. You never called to say what's up. It was always to come help watch the kids. That's hard to try to build a friendship with you when you feel that you are being used.
I do love you and I want you to get better. I know how upsetting it is for you to not be able to raise your children the way that you want to; to be involved in their lives. I think that you are kind of a crappy mother though. You know Spanish and yet you don't teach your children how to speak it? MSJD is very dyslexic and you don't work with her. BSTD is 5 and he doesn't know his numbers and won't say his alphabet. So I don't know if doesn't know it or if he's just being stubborn and not talking. He also can't spell his name. He's 5!!!!
Now to Al Gore. I just want to tell you that you intimidate me with your brilliance and your humor and your wit. I try to keep up, but I often feel that I am subpar. You are amazing. You give me strength to carry on and to make myself a better person. When I am with you I just have fun.. we just have fun. There is no pressure for me to be someone that I am not. I love you. I want you to love me. I want to feel important to you. I want you to show some kind of effort in our "friendship." I want to travel with you and I want to see all of the wonderful places that we talk about. I want to go back to Portland and see where you grew up and meet your friends. However, I feel that you hide them from me. That you don't want me to actually meet them. You talk about them a lot and they seem cool. I just don't understand it.
On the same lines... I want to tell you that I'm scared. When I got with the ex, I did everything. I went to see him when he was in college 3 weekends out of every month. I did that. I changed my college schedule so I could be there with him Thursday night - Sunday night. I went to school an hour from him so that I could see him more. I did it all. Also, when I would talk to the ex, he was always high. He was always fucked up. I see you doing that. I see me making all the effort. I see me giving and sharing and I see you taking and then like, giving back. I know you care about me. That was never in question. I just don't want history to repeat itself. I want someone to show me that they care. Someone that will let me know, have me feel that I am the most important thing in your life. NOw I know.. I know... we are not there in our "friendship," but I want to be. AT some point.
There will come a time, in the future, where i will want more. You can either give it to me, or not. If you do, that's will be spec-fucking-tacular. If you can't, that is ok too. I can respect that. We can still keep in touch, but it would be too hard for me to be that involved in your life and then seeing you with someone else.
Also, I don't like to hang out with you, well going out to bars, b/c if you are not talked to by a man, any man, then you think that the night is not a success. Why can't we just go out, enjoy ourselves and if we meet up with some guys, that's cool? If you go out with an agenda, you'll never meet it.
To my oldest sister. I am sorry that you are sick. I do question if you are sick or if it's not depression and chronic fatigue. I do feel closer to our other sister then I do you. It's been that way our entire life. You and I never got along. I am very protective over you and your children. I remember when you first had MSJD that you would call a_dubs and I to watch her or to help you clean. You never called to say what's up. It was always to come help watch the kids. That's hard to try to build a friendship with you when you feel that you are being used.
I do love you and I want you to get better. I know how upsetting it is for you to not be able to raise your children the way that you want to; to be involved in their lives. I think that you are kind of a crappy mother though. You know Spanish and yet you don't teach your children how to speak it? MSJD is very dyslexic and you don't work with her. BSTD is 5 and he doesn't know his numbers and won't say his alphabet. So I don't know if doesn't know it or if he's just being stubborn and not talking. He also can't spell his name. He's 5!!!!
Now to Al Gore. I just want to tell you that you intimidate me with your brilliance and your humor and your wit. I try to keep up, but I often feel that I am subpar. You are amazing. You give me strength to carry on and to make myself a better person. When I am with you I just have fun.. we just have fun. There is no pressure for me to be someone that I am not. I love you. I want you to love me. I want to feel important to you. I want you to show some kind of effort in our "friendship." I want to travel with you and I want to see all of the wonderful places that we talk about. I want to go back to Portland and see where you grew up and meet your friends. However, I feel that you hide them from me. That you don't want me to actually meet them. You talk about them a lot and they seem cool. I just don't understand it.
On the same lines... I want to tell you that I'm scared. When I got with the ex, I did everything. I went to see him when he was in college 3 weekends out of every month. I did that. I changed my college schedule so I could be there with him Thursday night - Sunday night. I went to school an hour from him so that I could see him more. I did it all. Also, when I would talk to the ex, he was always high. He was always fucked up. I see you doing that. I see me making all the effort. I see me giving and sharing and I see you taking and then like, giving back. I know you care about me. That was never in question. I just don't want history to repeat itself. I want someone to show me that they care. Someone that will let me know, have me feel that I am the most important thing in your life. NOw I know.. I know... we are not there in our "friendship," but I want to be. AT some point.
There will come a time, in the future, where i will want more. You can either give it to me, or not. If you do, that's will be spec-fucking-tacular. If you can't, that is ok too. I can respect that. We can still keep in touch, but it would be too hard for me to be that involved in your life and then seeing you with someone else.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
TMI Tuesday!
What is the one thing you would change about your body?
I am really tall. 6' to be exact. I think that I would like to be a few inches shorter. Maybe 5'9" so I'd be able to wear heels and not feel like an amazon. I'd also like to have a better chin. I personally think that it doesn't stick out far enough so that it makes my face look kinda wonky. Also, my one eye is totally larger then the other. I always look drunk or stoned in any picture that is taken.
What is the one personality trait you would change?
I am stubborn, but I wish I had more self confidence. I put on a great show aka a great game face that I do have a lot of confidence. I was just knocked down by multiple job interviews and never receiving a job offer. Also, my FWB, Al Gore, I just question if I'm good enough for him. It really sucks lacking confidence b/c when you do break down about it or get moody, people just don't understand why.
What is the one thing about your job you would change?
OH Jesus Christ!! I would change everything about my job. I fucking hate this job. I work for just over $15/hour and I've been here for 5 years. The management here sucks big time. Seriously. They have no idea what it is their "people" do. I have a senior who reports to my manager and neither of them know what it is that I do. Ok, they have a concept, but they don't even know how to approach what I do.
It is so frustrating b/c of the above question. When you don't have a ton of self confidence, looking for a job and all the interviews really takes a hit on your ego.
I guess you wouldn't be able to appreciate the good times/good jobs if you haven't had shitty ones.
What is the one thing about your home you would change?
I want to live back at my home. Currently the EX is living there with my dogs :-( My babies. But I would mostly likely have sold it if I had lived there. Too many memories. I currently live with my parents and their house is great. It just needs a lot of updating.
What is the one thing about your Significant Other you would change?
What Significant other?
Who is the one person you would poof out of your life and why?
I have this bitch of a "friend" named Kelly. I will even use her real name. Kelly Rae Smith. Her and I were bff in HS and then drifted apart. She is seriously a crazy alcoholic. I'm not even joking. I was there for her when so many others bailed b/c she's so fucking crazy. Then I found out, that bitch had the nerve to tell my soon to be ex that I was with for 13 years, that she's always loved him. girrrrrrllll.. I will knock you out if I ever see you. Thankfully she moved to Delaware.
Who is the one person you would poof back in and why?
Prob my friend Josh. He married some whorebag and had children with her and lives in the Florida Keys. It's sad. We were really really close. Also my friend Ryan. Same deal. They were awesome.
I am really tall. 6' to be exact. I think that I would like to be a few inches shorter. Maybe 5'9" so I'd be able to wear heels and not feel like an amazon. I'd also like to have a better chin. I personally think that it doesn't stick out far enough so that it makes my face look kinda wonky. Also, my one eye is totally larger then the other. I always look drunk or stoned in any picture that is taken.
What is the one personality trait you would change?
I am stubborn, but I wish I had more self confidence. I put on a great show aka a great game face that I do have a lot of confidence. I was just knocked down by multiple job interviews and never receiving a job offer. Also, my FWB, Al Gore, I just question if I'm good enough for him. It really sucks lacking confidence b/c when you do break down about it or get moody, people just don't understand why.
What is the one thing about your job you would change?
OH Jesus Christ!! I would change everything about my job. I fucking hate this job. I work for just over $15/hour and I've been here for 5 years. The management here sucks big time. Seriously. They have no idea what it is their "people" do. I have a senior who reports to my manager and neither of them know what it is that I do. Ok, they have a concept, but they don't even know how to approach what I do.
It is so frustrating b/c of the above question. When you don't have a ton of self confidence, looking for a job and all the interviews really takes a hit on your ego.
I guess you wouldn't be able to appreciate the good times/good jobs if you haven't had shitty ones.
What is the one thing about your home you would change?
I want to live back at my home. Currently the EX is living there with my dogs :-( My babies. But I would mostly likely have sold it if I had lived there. Too many memories. I currently live with my parents and their house is great. It just needs a lot of updating.
What is the one thing about your Significant Other you would change?
What Significant other?
Who is the one person you would poof out of your life and why?
I have this bitch of a "friend" named Kelly. I will even use her real name. Kelly Rae Smith. Her and I were bff in HS and then drifted apart. She is seriously a crazy alcoholic. I'm not even joking. I was there for her when so many others bailed b/c she's so fucking crazy. Then I found out, that bitch had the nerve to tell my soon to be ex that I was with for 13 years, that she's always loved him. girrrrrrllll.. I will knock you out if I ever see you. Thankfully she moved to Delaware.
Who is the one person you would poof back in and why?
Prob my friend Josh. He married some whorebag and had children with her and lives in the Florida Keys. It's sad. We were really really close. Also my friend Ryan. Same deal. They were awesome.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Stupid, self doubting, girlish inadequacies
Ok.. So blog #2 today. How I feel inadequate for Al Gore. Ok.. first let me re-cap for you for a hot second. Al Gore was a friend of mine that used to live here, but now lives about 2 hours south of me. I go to see him quite frequently as he does not have a car (and doesn't need one in the city that he is in) and well, I live at home with mom and dad. He freaked out on me back in June b/c he thought I was catching feelings, which in all honesty I was, but that's another blog. So, now I am super super careful about saying too much to him about anything.
There are times when I do just look at him and think that he has wonderful, amazing, expressive eyes and those adorable smile creases by his eyes and my little lame heart goes pitty pat. I know that he is losing hair, but for some fucking God forsaken reason unbeknownst to me he still looks fantastic.
We genuinely have a wonderful time together doing nothing or just going out to dinner and a movie. Ok, let me get back on subject.... He is very intelligent and is just a different type of person/man that previously I would never have hung out with or been friends with. So there are topics of conversations and things that he discusses with other people that I feel so unversed about and can't even chime in. He likes different music then I do and reads different things.
I think this is genuinely a good thing b/c I feel that he broadens my views and horizons on many things. I just wish that I could do that for him or really feel that I am doing that for him. I want it to be able to be a give and take relationship. FRIENDSHIP... (note to self... friendship there is no relationship here)
I just feel that I am not deep enough nor am I smart enough for him and eventually he'll get a clue and I'll be gone. I just don't feel special. I think it's partly b/c maybe he doesn't do a lot to make me feel special or 1) that I don't tell him b/c I don't want him to freak out so he doesn't know 2) It's my lame, stupid, self doubting, girlish inadequate mind taking over.
I want to feel loved and I want to feel special. I think b/c I really didn't feel that with my Soon to Be Ex Husband that I've been craving it for so long. Al Gore did offer it to me in the beginning, but I don't know where we went wrong or what happened to our communication skillz.
anyway.. So that's how i feel that I am stupid and not good enough for Al.
There are times when I do just look at him and think that he has wonderful, amazing, expressive eyes and those adorable smile creases by his eyes and my little lame heart goes pitty pat. I know that he is losing hair, but for some fucking God forsaken reason unbeknownst to me he still looks fantastic.
We genuinely have a wonderful time together doing nothing or just going out to dinner and a movie. Ok, let me get back on subject.... He is very intelligent and is just a different type of person/man that previously I would never have hung out with or been friends with. So there are topics of conversations and things that he discusses with other people that I feel so unversed about and can't even chime in. He likes different music then I do and reads different things.
I think this is genuinely a good thing b/c I feel that he broadens my views and horizons on many things. I just wish that I could do that for him or really feel that I am doing that for him. I want it to be able to be a give and take relationship. FRIENDSHIP... (note to self... friendship there is no relationship here)
I just feel that I am not deep enough nor am I smart enough for him and eventually he'll get a clue and I'll be gone. I just don't feel special. I think it's partly b/c maybe he doesn't do a lot to make me feel special or 1) that I don't tell him b/c I don't want him to freak out so he doesn't know 2) It's my lame, stupid, self doubting, girlish inadequate mind taking over.
I want to feel loved and I want to feel special. I think b/c I really didn't feel that with my Soon to Be Ex Husband that I've been craving it for so long. Al Gore did offer it to me in the beginning, but I don't know where we went wrong or what happened to our communication skillz.
anyway.. So that's how i feel that I am stupid and not good enough for Al.
Stupid is as Stupid Does
So I know I am not one of those brilliant minds and anyone that knows me knows that I can not spell. I have always had issues with spelling. I want to spell things the way that they sound. I also do not know of all my multiplication tables. I am 30 and I have issues still with multiplying. I can remember in 3rd grade when we were learning them we would have to take this test every week until we scored a 100% on it. I could not pass it... EVER. So my teacher gave my mom flash cards for me and these cassette tapes that were songs of the multiplication tables. They were awful. Well, in school we had those desks that had the opening that faced your stomach.. if that makes sense. Well we had a small folder to put our own multiplication flash cards and I wrote all of the tables on the back of this folder. I remember vividly pulling it out of the desk and no one could see it, and using it to get that magically 100% to finally not have to take the test.
Several things. I obviously felt the stigma in 3rd grade of being stupid because everyone else was passing this test except me. (I honestly can't remember if anyone else needed to take that stupid test as long as I did). And the second thing was that I'm sure my parents and my teacher thought that the stupid tapes actually worked to get me to learn my multiplication tables. I wonder what my parents would think if I told them I cheated in 3rd grade?
Since cheating then got me such good results, I continued to cheat in school and get good grades. Ok, again, I really do not think that I am stupid. However, when I look back at all the cheating that I did and all the ways of working the system, I wonder how smart I really am.
This wondering is only now aided in the fact that I have way too smart friends now. Al Gore is like way to smart for his own god and B Boy is also super intelligent. The three of us played Scrabble on Friday and I had to ask how to spell "mantle" b/c I was not sure if it was "el" or "le." Do you know how completely stupid I felt?
I am dyslexic but I don't think that is a reason or an excuse to feel stupid. To me, that just means that the information that my brain receives is backwards and that's how I read some of it. So it's just up to me to tell my brain "knock it off. I know and you know that 3 looks like this and not like an E."
So I have feelings of not being on the same level with Al Gore. I don't know if it's something internal and lame on my girlish self doubting mind or if he really does feel that way. I honestly can't think of any time that he has made me feel stupid. He points out spelling and grammar mistakes, but it's not in an obnoxious way.
I will wring blog #2 about how I feel inadequate around Al Gore. Like I am just not good enough for him. Again, my girlish self doubting mind.
Several things. I obviously felt the stigma in 3rd grade of being stupid because everyone else was passing this test except me. (I honestly can't remember if anyone else needed to take that stupid test as long as I did). And the second thing was that I'm sure my parents and my teacher thought that the stupid tapes actually worked to get me to learn my multiplication tables. I wonder what my parents would think if I told them I cheated in 3rd grade?
Since cheating then got me such good results, I continued to cheat in school and get good grades. Ok, again, I really do not think that I am stupid. However, when I look back at all the cheating that I did and all the ways of working the system, I wonder how smart I really am.
This wondering is only now aided in the fact that I have way too smart friends now. Al Gore is like way to smart for his own god and B Boy is also super intelligent. The three of us played Scrabble on Friday and I had to ask how to spell "mantle" b/c I was not sure if it was "el" or "le." Do you know how completely stupid I felt?
I am dyslexic but I don't think that is a reason or an excuse to feel stupid. To me, that just means that the information that my brain receives is backwards and that's how I read some of it. So it's just up to me to tell my brain "knock it off. I know and you know that 3 looks like this and not like an E."
So I have feelings of not being on the same level with Al Gore. I don't know if it's something internal and lame on my girlish self doubting mind or if he really does feel that way. I honestly can't think of any time that he has made me feel stupid. He points out spelling and grammar mistakes, but it's not in an obnoxious way.
I will wring blog #2 about how I feel inadequate around Al Gore. Like I am just not good enough for him. Again, my girlish self doubting mind.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Stuck
Myself, My friend here, Iris and my best friend, Tara are all stuck. We are all stuck in our lives in jobs that are awful in companies that could go belly up tomorrow. Iris and I work at the same place. Tara does office work and billing for a nurse staffing company. I could just cry. I have a degree from Penn State in Communications and it doesn't mean anything to anyone. I'm paying for this useless degree. Everyone I talk to is like, "oh but you have a degree. You will be fine."
Tell that to my ego and my self esteem when I was looking for another job and went on interview after interview including second interviews and not getting the jobs. It's really hard to go through that. I mean, I know I am smart and I catch on very easily. I can also find answers out on my own in a very creative manner and if then and only then, if I don't knwo the answer will I ask. I just want someone to give me a chance and there just doesn't seem anyone willing to do that.
It's so hard always thinking that you are second best or not even that, that you are just not good enough. It's hard to talk on one's ego and self esteem.
I know that there are so many of us out there. That work in a hell hole. That work in a cube farm. That have pictures of our reality around our cube walls to remind ourselves that we do have a life outside of work. Oh and those quotes that are to give us hope. Here are mine...
1) Say what you want and do what you feel because people that matter don't mind and people that mind don't matter.
2) Eventually all the pieces fall into place, but until then, laugh at the confusion, live for th moment and know that everything happens for a reason.
3) noboy can make you feel inferior without your permission.
4) Don't let someone be your priority while you remain their option.
5) great is the road i climb but the garland offered by an easier effort is not worth gathering
6) life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Yet they just add to the depressive nature that is this cube hell. I have other small tokens or reminders that this cube isn't that bad. I have turtles (fav animal) on top of my monitor. I have a couple of pictures that I took from a calendar about Islands on my walls to remind me where I want to be. I have a Penn State Pez dispensor. I have a picture of my grandparents when they were young and so much in love.
Coming into work everyday is torture. I get nothing from it but a paycheck. You want to know how much I make an hour? I don't even get paid $15/hr. I make just under that. My company has lost my "raise" and this will be the 3rd paycheck that it's not on or 6 weeks.
I hate this job. I hate who this job makes me become. Some sad, little pathetic, depressed creature.
Tell that to my ego and my self esteem when I was looking for another job and went on interview after interview including second interviews and not getting the jobs. It's really hard to go through that. I mean, I know I am smart and I catch on very easily. I can also find answers out on my own in a very creative manner and if then and only then, if I don't knwo the answer will I ask. I just want someone to give me a chance and there just doesn't seem anyone willing to do that.
It's so hard always thinking that you are second best or not even that, that you are just not good enough. It's hard to talk on one's ego and self esteem.
I know that there are so many of us out there. That work in a hell hole. That work in a cube farm. That have pictures of our reality around our cube walls to remind ourselves that we do have a life outside of work. Oh and those quotes that are to give us hope. Here are mine...
1) Say what you want and do what you feel because people that matter don't mind and people that mind don't matter.
2) Eventually all the pieces fall into place, but until then, laugh at the confusion, live for th moment and know that everything happens for a reason.
3) noboy can make you feel inferior without your permission.
4) Don't let someone be your priority while you remain their option.
5) great is the road i climb but the garland offered by an easier effort is not worth gathering
6) life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Yet they just add to the depressive nature that is this cube hell. I have other small tokens or reminders that this cube isn't that bad. I have turtles (fav animal) on top of my monitor. I have a couple of pictures that I took from a calendar about Islands on my walls to remind me where I want to be. I have a Penn State Pez dispensor. I have a picture of my grandparents when they were young and so much in love.
Coming into work everyday is torture. I get nothing from it but a paycheck. You want to know how much I make an hour? I don't even get paid $15/hr. I make just under that. My company has lost my "raise" and this will be the 3rd paycheck that it's not on or 6 weeks.
I hate this job. I hate who this job makes me become. Some sad, little pathetic, depressed creature.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Text Messages
Ok.. so here are 2 text messages verbatim from Al Gore. Now he is strictly a FWB (freinds with benefits) so he shouldn't be sending me these. Just saying. Does anyone have an opinion on if this is alright for a FWB to send?
TEXT 1
Oh Sweetheart, I am sorry today was crappy. I will make it up to you next weekend. If you aren't doing anything Friday, come up early and snuggle with me. I promise to help you feel better. Now get some sleep and relax that pretty face. G'night beautiful.
TEXT 2
Hey, all I know is it was a crappy day for you, so it needs to, karmically, be made right. And I don't like my reputation for only giving 5 minute backrubs with you, cause I am the backrub king, Baby! :) We'll talk later if you are tired.
Ok.. for real. He is kind of high maintenance. No that's not really right. I guess he's more take then give. Selfish, but not really. Selfish b/c I love to give it to him. Love to make him feel relaxed and comfortable. So I'll scratch or massage his back for a little while anyway, maybe 15 mins, and maybe, for every 5 I give, he gives me one for about 5 mins. I know it sounds bad. Just trust me, it's not like I think he's using me.
Or maybe he is. Maybe this is just a really good game that he has going on. I really would like to think that it's not. I am just so skeptical of everyone's intentions.
Oh.. so the bbq I was at on Friday with my co-workers, the one girl's boyfriend wants to set me up with one of his friends. My work friend says this guy is 28, Dominican and hardly speaks English. Ummmm.. seriously, I'll have to pass. I can't speak Spanish and how much fun is it for my friend to translate? Plus, I can't deal with dating BS. I have enough issues on my own!
TMI Tuesday!
1. Are you truly politically correct? Be honest.
Not at all. I respect everyone from all ethnic backgrounds and cultures. However, I still make the occasional off hand joke and I laugh at jokes that others tell. Joke that are racist or sexist. To be honest, I laugh at jokes that involve all races and I laugh the most at jokes that are made about me. I mean, if they are good and funny.
2. Will you ever streak in public during rush hour?
Not so much. I would moon someone from a passing car of flash them. When I was younger, say 21-24, I used to flash large crowds all the time. Especially at concerts by always at Preakness. I'm sure that there are pictures of me as "random girl #19 showing tits" on someone's Preakness pictures. It's funny though b/c as soon as you get up on your male friends shoulders and you start to lift your shirt, all these men come running from all over to start taking pictures. It was pretty cool though. All that attention just on me.
3. Would you ever do something sexual in public (more than 20 people around)?
I wouldn't mind doing/preforming/receiving a sexual act in public. I just haven't done it yet. However, with more then 20 people around? That's pushing it. I mean, were they watching? Probably not. Although I do have this fantasy of being watched so maybe I would. I think it depends on the man.
4. Do you ever not have good table manners?
Of course. Who doesn't? When I am around friends and family I don't always keep my elbows of the table and I do talk with my mouth full of food. However, on the flipside, you can take me anywhere and I will know how to act, which utensil to use and how to use it. My parents were great like that. They took us to really expensive 4 star restaurants with no prices on the menus to dive bars and everything in between.
5. Do you ever fantasize about a public sexual act? Describe.
Please see question # 3. I do fantasize about being in a park and snuggling up to the one that I am lusting after and just sneaking under a blanket for a good blow job. Sometimes, the passion just overwhelms you and you have to do what you have to do and where you have to do it. Now granted, I never have, but keep in consideration that I was in a sexless relationship for almost 6 years.
Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever gone through a true sexual fantasy? Describe.
Not yet. I want to dress up in something sexy for Al, but I don't think that he's really into it. It's a shame. I could look really slammin in some costumes on yumdrop.com. I have had sex again with someone that genuinely likes me and thinks that I am beautiful and the sex is great. So since I was not having sex for so long and now I am, that is kind of a fantasy that has now, come to life.
Not at all. I respect everyone from all ethnic backgrounds and cultures. However, I still make the occasional off hand joke and I laugh at jokes that others tell. Joke that are racist or sexist. To be honest, I laugh at jokes that involve all races and I laugh the most at jokes that are made about me. I mean, if they are good and funny.
2. Will you ever streak in public during rush hour?
Not so much. I would moon someone from a passing car of flash them. When I was younger, say 21-24, I used to flash large crowds all the time. Especially at concerts by always at Preakness. I'm sure that there are pictures of me as "random girl #19 showing tits" on someone's Preakness pictures. It's funny though b/c as soon as you get up on your male friends shoulders and you start to lift your shirt, all these men come running from all over to start taking pictures. It was pretty cool though. All that attention just on me.
3. Would you ever do something sexual in public (more than 20 people around)?
I wouldn't mind doing/preforming/receiving a sexual act in public. I just haven't done it yet. However, with more then 20 people around? That's pushing it. I mean, were they watching? Probably not. Although I do have this fantasy of being watched so maybe I would. I think it depends on the man.
4. Do you ever not have good table manners?
Of course. Who doesn't? When I am around friends and family I don't always keep my elbows of the table and I do talk with my mouth full of food. However, on the flipside, you can take me anywhere and I will know how to act, which utensil to use and how to use it. My parents were great like that. They took us to really expensive 4 star restaurants with no prices on the menus to dive bars and everything in between.
5. Do you ever fantasize about a public sexual act? Describe.
Please see question # 3. I do fantasize about being in a park and snuggling up to the one that I am lusting after and just sneaking under a blanket for a good blow job. Sometimes, the passion just overwhelms you and you have to do what you have to do and where you have to do it. Now granted, I never have, but keep in consideration that I was in a sexless relationship for almost 6 years.
Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever gone through a true sexual fantasy? Describe.
Not yet. I want to dress up in something sexy for Al, but I don't think that he's really into it. It's a shame. I could look really slammin in some costumes on yumdrop.com. I have had sex again with someone that genuinely likes me and thinks that I am beautiful and the sex is great. So since I was not having sex for so long and now I am, that is kind of a fantasy that has now, come to life.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Life's Complications
So... ok so how can I be so random in thoughts and feelings all the time? I mean, not like emo weird or anything, but just crazy. Work sucked horribly today and I just have this awful gut feeling that Al is stepping out. Not that he's not allowed, but he needs to let me know what's up.
Nothing to exciting this weekend. Saturday I did nothing and it was wonderful. I never got out of my jammies and I sat in this recliner, that I am in now and didn't leave it very often. I haven't had a day like that in months and it was fantastic.
Sunday I went Kayaking with my sister, a_dubs, and her best friend Fur, and my frank, the Asian Mutant. It was really awesome. It was a beautiful day and the river was warm. Prob because it was so shallow. I don't think it was any deeper then 4'. We then went to dinner and all day, i was jonsing for a bacon cheeseburger and i was finally able to get one. And.. and... it was not so good. The burger was too well done.
I wish i had more juicy stories to tell you, but frankly that was it. I think I am going to go see Al Gore this weekend, but I don't know if I want to. Too many complications associated with it. I want more, I don't know what more is, but I want something.
He has a tendency to keep his friends to himself, not that he has a lot of friends in the area that he lives. Just random that he shares stories with me, but not really meeting his friends. makes a girl wonder a couple of things...
1) He is ashamed of me (and trust me... that is not the case b/c i think I'm hot)
2) there is something going on that he doesn't want us to mix and then talk and then well, whatever.
3) It's all in my head
I don't want things to be boring, but I need to talk and I need to know where he stands. Is that too much to ask for? Friends with Benefits really isn't entitled to know where he stands right? The thing is, I think that he does have feelings for me but..
1) He's not ready to explore them
2) he doesn't even care or want more
3) Not the right time in his life
4) why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Nothing to exciting this weekend. Saturday I did nothing and it was wonderful. I never got out of my jammies and I sat in this recliner, that I am in now and didn't leave it very often. I haven't had a day like that in months and it was fantastic.
Sunday I went Kayaking with my sister, a_dubs, and her best friend Fur, and my frank, the Asian Mutant. It was really awesome. It was a beautiful day and the river was warm. Prob because it was so shallow. I don't think it was any deeper then 4'. We then went to dinner and all day, i was jonsing for a bacon cheeseburger and i was finally able to get one. And.. and... it was not so good. The burger was too well done.
I wish i had more juicy stories to tell you, but frankly that was it. I think I am going to go see Al Gore this weekend, but I don't know if I want to. Too many complications associated with it. I want more, I don't know what more is, but I want something.
He has a tendency to keep his friends to himself, not that he has a lot of friends in the area that he lives. Just random that he shares stories with me, but not really meeting his friends. makes a girl wonder a couple of things...
1) He is ashamed of me (and trust me... that is not the case b/c i think I'm hot)
2) there is something going on that he doesn't want us to mix and then talk and then well, whatever.
3) It's all in my head
I don't want things to be boring, but I need to talk and I need to know where he stands. Is that too much to ask for? Friends with Benefits really isn't entitled to know where he stands right? The thing is, I think that he does have feelings for me but..
1) He's not ready to explore them
2) he doesn't even care or want more
3) Not the right time in his life
4) why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Ashley Madison
So I read about AshleyMadison.com on another blog. It's basically a site for married people to hook up on a discreet website. I thought, "this sounds fun b/c I don't want anything but sex and if it's a married man then he'll only want the same." So i set up a profile and uploaded a picture of me in a bikini which was of course faceless. I put on my profile the things that I am looking for and what I do and don't like. The next day I received over 100 responses from people. I was shocked.
Why was I shocked? I didn't think anyone would really respond except my normal crackheads and Mexicans. It turns out that there are so many married men who are just not satisfied with their wives at home... more directly, with the sex that they are having or in some cases, not having, with their wives. I know how that feels. I had sex with my ex one time in just about 6 years. I know it sounds surprising, but it's the truth.
I feel that I could offer some of these men the sense of feeling wanted and I could provide them with direction (for lack of a better word). They all want a woman that knows what they want and will direct a man. I guess this is the problem when you get married. DON'T GET MARRIED. Problem solved.
I don't think that I'll ever really contact any of these men from AshleyMadison, but I always could. I just have always had a soft spot for men that I think I can help in some way shape or form. Also, I do have feelings for my fwb Al. I know I shouldn't but you can't help it or at least I can't help it.
I have a great, intense connection with Al that it's so hard not to fall for him. He is just genuinely nice and a sweetheart and you know what? Fuck his ex for not seeing it in him and not being able to appreciate it. He is kind and so smart and I love his intelligence. I find that so sexy.
I am not doing anything tonight, I don't think. So boring night. Tomorrow though, I am going to be hanging with my friend, The mutant Asian or the mutant, my sister and her best friend. We are going kayaking and then dinner. Yeah!
-am
Why was I shocked? I didn't think anyone would really respond except my normal crackheads and Mexicans. It turns out that there are so many married men who are just not satisfied with their wives at home... more directly, with the sex that they are having or in some cases, not having, with their wives. I know how that feels. I had sex with my ex one time in just about 6 years. I know it sounds surprising, but it's the truth.
I feel that I could offer some of these men the sense of feeling wanted and I could provide them with direction (for lack of a better word). They all want a woman that knows what they want and will direct a man. I guess this is the problem when you get married. DON'T GET MARRIED. Problem solved.
I don't think that I'll ever really contact any of these men from AshleyMadison, but I always could. I just have always had a soft spot for men that I think I can help in some way shape or form. Also, I do have feelings for my fwb Al. I know I shouldn't but you can't help it or at least I can't help it.
I have a great, intense connection with Al that it's so hard not to fall for him. He is just genuinely nice and a sweetheart and you know what? Fuck his ex for not seeing it in him and not being able to appreciate it. He is kind and so smart and I love his intelligence. I find that so sexy.
I am not doing anything tonight, I don't think. So boring night. Tomorrow though, I am going to be hanging with my friend, The mutant Asian or the mutant, my sister and her best friend. We are going kayaking and then dinner. Yeah!
-am
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Are you lying to me
Ok.. so I got totally freaked out today with Al Gore. I almost sent an e-mail/IM asking what was up, and am so thankful I did not.
He went to dinner with B Boy last night. Al told me one thing and B boy told me a different name. I immediately thought, what the fuck? Are you lying to me Mr. Gore? and why would you be lying to me? I didn't want to think what i was thinking, but I did. I thought for sure that Al was steppin out on me. Now, why should it matter b/c Al and I are just friend with benefits? I shouldn't. That's the thing.. but of course I did. I haz feelings for Al.
RULE #1 OF FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS... do not get feelings. And I did.
Anyway, I digress. so I was kinda getting angry. Hey.. what the hell. I am Irish/German and that's what we do. We drink. We get angry. We fight. So I IMed my friend Iris and she talked me down. I went on google and looked up the name of the restaurant and basically, it was teh same thing.
So I overreacted and THANK GOD i never said anything to Al about it. I was able to talk to one of my best friends and all is well.
He went to dinner with B Boy last night. Al told me one thing and B boy told me a different name. I immediately thought, what the fuck? Are you lying to me Mr. Gore? and why would you be lying to me? I didn't want to think what i was thinking, but I did. I thought for sure that Al was steppin out on me. Now, why should it matter b/c Al and I are just friend with benefits? I shouldn't. That's the thing.. but of course I did. I haz feelings for Al.
RULE #1 OF FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS... do not get feelings. And I did.
Anyway, I digress. so I was kinda getting angry. Hey.. what the hell. I am Irish/German and that's what we do. We drink. We get angry. We fight. So I IMed my friend Iris and she talked me down. I went on google and looked up the name of the restaurant and basically, it was teh same thing.
So I overreacted and THANK GOD i never said anything to Al about it. I was able to talk to one of my best friends and all is well.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Feelings..... nothing more then feelings
Ok.. so I exp. feelings with FWB that I have never felt.
Jealousy. I was never jealous with my ex. It was just never an issue with me. Maybe it's b/c I trusted him 100% and knew he would never hurt me or do anything to break that trust.
Ok.. so Sunday, I met Al and B Boy for dinner on Sunday right? I left at 11:30pm and they kept walking around the city. Just walking around. Not doing anything, but walking. B Boy is gay. I think he is a great guy so don't get it twisted. I don't hate him at all for it or hold anything against him. I just know that they walked for hours. Is this normal? Does a straight man do this with a gay man? What if people have thought that straight man was gay? I don't think that he is. he has just told me that other's have thought it.
I am just so rattled by Al Gore and I don't know how to take it. I want to just let it roll.... let it ride, but I just can't. I need a freaking hobby to pass my time
Oh, so I went on AshleyMadison.com and put an account up and put a picture up of me in a bikini.. no face of course. You would not believe the hits I got.. the messages... the winks. I feel bad for these men. They are in marriages where they just don't get enough sex. Boy how I can sympathize.
I have all this love to give and no one to give it to. Am I settling with Al? God I don't know. I HATE how I feel that I give and he takes and that's it. I really think that I need to write this down in an e-mail and send it to him. The only problem is that I feel I could risk losing him by writing my feelings. However, if I don't get this out, I feel that I am fucking myself over.
Uggg.. Oh.. Al Gore and B Boy are out for dinner now. I knew B boy was hungry so I said something to Al that they should grab food together. See, I give... i give.
Please, I just want someone to appreciate it and I want someone to give something in return.
-AM
Jealousy. I was never jealous with my ex. It was just never an issue with me. Maybe it's b/c I trusted him 100% and knew he would never hurt me or do anything to break that trust.
Ok.. so Sunday, I met Al and B Boy for dinner on Sunday right? I left at 11:30pm and they kept walking around the city. Just walking around. Not doing anything, but walking. B Boy is gay. I think he is a great guy so don't get it twisted. I don't hate him at all for it or hold anything against him. I just know that they walked for hours. Is this normal? Does a straight man do this with a gay man? What if people have thought that straight man was gay? I don't think that he is. he has just told me that other's have thought it.
I am just so rattled by Al Gore and I don't know how to take it. I want to just let it roll.... let it ride, but I just can't. I need a freaking hobby to pass my time
Oh, so I went on AshleyMadison.com and put an account up and put a picture up of me in a bikini.. no face of course. You would not believe the hits I got.. the messages... the winks. I feel bad for these men. They are in marriages where they just don't get enough sex. Boy how I can sympathize.
I have all this love to give and no one to give it to. Am I settling with Al? God I don't know. I HATE how I feel that I give and he takes and that's it. I really think that I need to write this down in an e-mail and send it to him. The only problem is that I feel I could risk losing him by writing my feelings. However, if I don't get this out, I feel that I am fucking myself over.
Uggg.. Oh.. Al Gore and B Boy are out for dinner now. I knew B boy was hungry so I said something to Al that they should grab food together. See, I give... i give.
Please, I just want someone to appreciate it and I want someone to give something in return.
-AM
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
To send or not send..... It's the age old question
Ok so Al Gore and I get along so well. We can do every thing together and not get bored. Ok, sometimes I get bored, but I will explain further down. I can sit there in silence (although, with me, silence is hard to come by) and just be happy in his presence and I believe he feels that same way.
This is all so confusing to me b/c I was with my ex since I was 17 and just left him January of this year. However, our marriage was over a long time ago. The Ex, Captain America, and I had great communication skills. We'd talk about every thing. Al gore and I do not have that worked out yet. I don't even know how to talk to him about things.
Back in February, when Al was talking to, Portland Chick, all the freaking time, i was totally crushed. Even though what we have/had is no strings attached sex with friendship.. or really it's friendship with sex, so I had no right to be angry and hurt. But I still was. Who wouldn't be? Then cut to say June of this year, we had a major falling out b/c he thought I was catching feelings. Ummm.. hello... I totally am. I told you I loved you, but only after you said it first to me. He got all weirded out b/c of pictures that I had up on flickr. Ok, i can totally see that b/c we were in Philly that weekend and I had him take my picture in front of the "love" statue. When I posted it on flickr is said, "love... that sums up this entire weekend." Then on myspace, i posted the lyrics to "In your loving arms" by Karen Overton (http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/k/karen_overton/your_loving_arms.html) and well, it's true. Those lyrics are so true.
Sometimes the way that you act makes me wonder
What I am to you
*I wonder all the time what I am to Al Gore. Does he really care? Would he care if I just walked away?
Sometimes I can't stand the way that I'm acting
To be part of the things you do
*This is also true. There is so much that we do and talk about and music that we listen to that I normally wouldn't. It's out of what I know... out of my comfort zone. yet I do it.
Often I've asked you for too much of your time
Like I'm stealing
*When I do IM him or talk to him or e-mail him, I feel that I am bugging him. Why? b/c he'll just sign off w/o even saying goodbye.
I did tell him that when he leaves and doesn't even bother to type "bbib" or "bbl" that I think it's really rude. He just doesn't listen.
When we first started talking, he'd tell me how beautiful I am and we would exchange dirty text messages. That is no more. I have no idea when it stopped, it just did. I even wrote him an xrated e-mail and all I got was "wow! I had no idea that you could write like that." Well there was more, but that was about it.
I swear he doesn't listen to me or pay attention to things that I send him. (could be due to the fact that he works a lot?)
Also, since he doesn't have a car and I do, I ALWAYS drive to see him. He's talked about taking the train up here, but he never has. I did this with Captain America when he was in college and I was going to a community college here at home. I gave up myself and finding out who I am. I didn't want to go through this again. IT's just that... well... we have so much fun together.
So honestly, when you read that all (and if anyone reads this period) I bet you wonder to yourself, "why the fuck is she staying with him?" Well ok.. we aren't together so he can leave an dI can leave whenever. I just don't know? I mean, it's a great convienience to have. I can basically have sex when I want. I just have to drive 2 hours to get it.
Why do I want more? I was with someone for 13 years. Why do I want to put the pressure on him to make a relationship when he doesn't want one? I mean honestly, I am afraid, that I will do this work with him and be his friend and then, bam... he gives his love to another woman. I know that's what is going to happen. I can't stop it.
So... I want to write this in an e-mail, but I don't know if I should. So To send or not send? Things are great now why fuck them up right? Please, anyone if you read this.. let me know!
♥ AM
This is all so confusing to me b/c I was with my ex since I was 17 and just left him January of this year. However, our marriage was over a long time ago. The Ex, Captain America, and I had great communication skills. We'd talk about every thing. Al gore and I do not have that worked out yet. I don't even know how to talk to him about things.
Back in February, when Al was talking to, Portland Chick, all the freaking time, i was totally crushed. Even though what we have/had is no strings attached sex with friendship.. or really it's friendship with sex, so I had no right to be angry and hurt. But I still was. Who wouldn't be? Then cut to say June of this year, we had a major falling out b/c he thought I was catching feelings. Ummm.. hello... I totally am. I told you I loved you, but only after you said it first to me. He got all weirded out b/c of pictures that I had up on flickr. Ok, i can totally see that b/c we were in Philly that weekend and I had him take my picture in front of the "love" statue. When I posted it on flickr is said, "love... that sums up this entire weekend." Then on myspace, i posted the lyrics to "In your loving arms" by Karen Overton (http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/k/karen_overton/your_loving_arms.html) and well, it's true. Those lyrics are so true.
Sometimes the way that you act makes me wonder
What I am to you
*I wonder all the time what I am to Al Gore. Does he really care? Would he care if I just walked away?
Sometimes I can't stand the way that I'm acting
To be part of the things you do
*This is also true. There is so much that we do and talk about and music that we listen to that I normally wouldn't. It's out of what I know... out of my comfort zone. yet I do it.
Often I've asked you for too much of your time
Like I'm stealing
*When I do IM him or talk to him or e-mail him, I feel that I am bugging him. Why? b/c he'll just sign off w/o even saying goodbye.
I did tell him that when he leaves and doesn't even bother to type "bbib" or "bbl" that I think it's really rude. He just doesn't listen.
When we first started talking, he'd tell me how beautiful I am and we would exchange dirty text messages. That is no more. I have no idea when it stopped, it just did. I even wrote him an xrated e-mail and all I got was "wow! I had no idea that you could write like that." Well there was more, but that was about it.
I swear he doesn't listen to me or pay attention to things that I send him. (could be due to the fact that he works a lot?)
Also, since he doesn't have a car and I do, I ALWAYS drive to see him. He's talked about taking the train up here, but he never has. I did this with Captain America when he was in college and I was going to a community college here at home. I gave up myself and finding out who I am. I didn't want to go through this again. IT's just that... well... we have so much fun together.
So honestly, when you read that all (and if anyone reads this period) I bet you wonder to yourself, "why the fuck is she staying with him?" Well ok.. we aren't together so he can leave an dI can leave whenever. I just don't know? I mean, it's a great convienience to have. I can basically have sex when I want. I just have to drive 2 hours to get it.
Why do I want more? I was with someone for 13 years. Why do I want to put the pressure on him to make a relationship when he doesn't want one? I mean honestly, I am afraid, that I will do this work with him and be his friend and then, bam... he gives his love to another woman. I know that's what is going to happen. I can't stop it.
So... I want to write this in an e-mail, but I don't know if I should. So To send or not send? Things are great now why fuck them up right? Please, anyone if you read this.. let me know!
♥ AM
TMI Tuesday!
1. What is your favorite song to have sex to?
This one is pretty hard b/c I don't normally have sex to music. I listen to music all the time. Here at work, in the car and just generally around the house. I hear songs and I think that I'd like to strip to them mostly, not have sex to them. My song that I'd like to strip to right now is, "Butcher Blues" by Kasabian.
I love r&b to really feel sexy. I think that "Al Gore" and I had sex to the entire album of "The Nothing." (my friend's rap group). It was great, but now it's hard to look at "Ken" (friend in rap group) w/o cutting up.
2. What is your vision of hell?
I don't truly believe in hell. However, I kind of think that life is hell. That you have to live through these ups and downs and emotions and that when/if we ever get it right, we can go to this imaginary place called Heaven.
On the lighter side, my personal hell would be a place where there are all these people having fun, but I can't. I can't join them and I can't talk to them. I get to sit and watch everyone as they have this wonderful time and I can hear them all talking about how great it is.
3. In the film made of your life, who will play you?
I'd have to say that I resemble Minnie Driver. We both have these smattering of freckles across our faces and we each have really dark brown curly hair. I LOVE her accent and wish that I had one.
4. What is the one thing you most urgently need to tell your mom?
I'd like to tell my mom, really nothing urgent. We have a great relationship. I'd like to tell her that i am sleeping with "Al Gore" but I don't think that I ever will. Unless that ever turns into something (which at this point, i highly doubt).
5. What will be carved onto your tombstone?
One of the coolest people you have ever met
I really do think that I am one of the coolest people ever. I am a lot of fun and I am loyal to a fault.
And the bonus: What is your drag name (which would be, first name: the name of your first pet; last name: the name of the street you grew up on)?
I had a few fish over the years, but I can't remember any of their names. I did share a parakeet with my sisters so I would be.... Spunky Oak. Hmmm. that's not too bad.
This one is pretty hard b/c I don't normally have sex to music. I listen to music all the time. Here at work, in the car and just generally around the house. I hear songs and I think that I'd like to strip to them mostly, not have sex to them. My song that I'd like to strip to right now is, "Butcher Blues" by Kasabian.
I love r&b to really feel sexy. I think that "Al Gore" and I had sex to the entire album of "The Nothing." (my friend's rap group). It was great, but now it's hard to look at "Ken" (friend in rap group) w/o cutting up.
2. What is your vision of hell?
I don't truly believe in hell. However, I kind of think that life is hell. That you have to live through these ups and downs and emotions and that when/if we ever get it right, we can go to this imaginary place called Heaven.
On the lighter side, my personal hell would be a place where there are all these people having fun, but I can't. I can't join them and I can't talk to them. I get to sit and watch everyone as they have this wonderful time and I can hear them all talking about how great it is.
3. In the film made of your life, who will play you?
I'd have to say that I resemble Minnie Driver. We both have these smattering of freckles across our faces and we each have really dark brown curly hair. I LOVE her accent and wish that I had one.
4. What is the one thing you most urgently need to tell your mom?
I'd like to tell my mom, really nothing urgent. We have a great relationship. I'd like to tell her that i am sleeping with "Al Gore" but I don't think that I ever will. Unless that ever turns into something (which at this point, i highly doubt).
5. What will be carved onto your tombstone?
One of the coolest people you have ever met
I really do think that I am one of the coolest people ever. I am a lot of fun and I am loyal to a fault.
And the bonus: What is your drag name (which would be, first name: the name of your first pet; last name: the name of the street you grew up on)?
I had a few fish over the years, but I can't remember any of their names. I did share a parakeet with my sisters so I would be.... Spunky Oak. Hmmm. that's not too bad.
Friday, August 8, 2008
I'm moving on
These are lyrics from Rascal Flats. I love them. I couldn't have written anything better if I tried.
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
How I want to rip your clothes off right now
I am typing this and my FWB, Al Gore, is about 3 feet to my left. He is working and I am laying on his bed. Yes I still have clothes on, but it's ok. I've often thought of giving him head while he works and I wonder if he'd be up for that. I don't know if he would be b/c he's kind of up tight like that. I think that blow jobs are wonderful and for me that don't like them, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Al also needs to be on the phone a lot. I'd like to be able to blow him on one of his important calls. I'd sit there sucking and licking away at his hard dick while he tries to keep it together on his phone call. i wonder if he'd be able to do it? I doubt I'll ever figure it out.
Al is not like the typical man that I'd normally be attracted to. So maybe that's why I am so fucking hot for this dude? Him and I are totally different people. We have so many beliefs that are different. We do randomly agree on things and I'll have to point them out like a lame high school girl like, "oooh.. look... we have something in common." Maybe trying to bring to light that we are compatible? Even his body type is not my normal tall, athletic with a few extra pounds. He is just under me in height (rawr.. I like him under me) and well, to be blunt, he does have more then a few extra pounds. Some how, I am totally ok with it. I like to touch his skin.
We are going to go to dinner then in a few hours and then maybe out with another friend of ours B Boy. B boy is gay and very much fun to hang with. He just met a new man that is still in the closet and works on Capital Hill. SHOCKER. There are closet gay men that work on the Hill? No fucking way.
I hope to give Al a fucking spectacular blow job if possible tonight since i still can't have sex. Ohh.. I'll let you know in my next post (shortly) why I can't have sex.
Al also needs to be on the phone a lot. I'd like to be able to blow him on one of his important calls. I'd sit there sucking and licking away at his hard dick while he tries to keep it together on his phone call. i wonder if he'd be able to do it? I doubt I'll ever figure it out.
Al is not like the typical man that I'd normally be attracted to. So maybe that's why I am so fucking hot for this dude? Him and I are totally different people. We have so many beliefs that are different. We do randomly agree on things and I'll have to point them out like a lame high school girl like, "oooh.. look... we have something in common." Maybe trying to bring to light that we are compatible? Even his body type is not my normal tall, athletic with a few extra pounds. He is just under me in height (rawr.. I like him under me) and well, to be blunt, he does have more then a few extra pounds. Some how, I am totally ok with it. I like to touch his skin.
We are going to go to dinner then in a few hours and then maybe out with another friend of ours B Boy. B boy is gay and very much fun to hang with. He just met a new man that is still in the closet and works on Capital Hill. SHOCKER. There are closet gay men that work on the Hill? No fucking way.
I hope to give Al a fucking spectacular blow job if possible tonight since i still can't have sex. Ohh.. I'll let you know in my next post (shortly) why I can't have sex.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Is it possible to really have a friend with benefits?
Ok.. so "Al Gore" is my FWB. He is kind, and caring and screw that.. great in bed. He is totally different then I am on all levels. It's crazy. It's so bad that if I say I like white, he likes black. I think that we found each other for a reason. He had a rough time in his teenage years with his family. He also got really fucked up over his last girlfriend. I wont' judge, but sometimes, I just don't know why people deal with the bullshit relationships that they do. He put up with a lot. I know, it's only one side of the story, but whatever. I remember one time, when we were hanging out for about 4 months and I said "oh that bitch" jokingly to him about her and he goes, very serious, "Don't say that about her." That really took me back.
Anyway, I think that I give him the love and stability that he's not really had. I let him know that he is loved. Ok, I show it. We don't say it. (more on what happened when we did say it in another post). He has shown me that I do not need to settle, in my marriage, and that I am beautiful and I deserve more.
The thing is, we were friends and then became intimate. I just really enjoy spending time with him. He lives almost 2 hours away from me and is doing really well in his job. Me, i am stuck here in Harrisburg working a job that I really don't like. I can leave in October b/c I'll be fully vested and can take all of my money with me. I don't know where it would go, if anywhere, but I better not lose him as a friend. I just don't know how I'd handle him with another woman.
Ok... he was talking to a chick from where is from (West Coast) and it crushed me. I never had to deal with those feelings with my ex husband. He went to see her and spend time with her and was always on the phone with her. Constant text messages. I knew, but I checked his phone (something I've never done) and saw the texts. I instantly became so crushed, hurt and angry at the same time. Ugg.. I'm really not good at writing this stuff.
Anyway, he is amazing and I feel comfortable with him. However, I've always been into communication and I always say how I feel and I can't with him. He is my friend with benefits, but when we walk around where he lives we hold hands and kiss and go places. That's not really friend with benefits. I say, no, you can not ever have a friend with benefits. You have to go into knowing you are going to get hurt or hurt someone and that it will not end well. I just hope that the pain that I'll go through in losing him, won't be that bad, but I know it will be.
I do love him. It's just sad. I have such a loving side and I can't give that to another person b/c I'm hung up on him. I am afraid to talk to him about this b/c I don't want to push him to freak out (again). I just feel the need to know where his head is at, but I don't know how to ask him about it. I can't look at other men around this area until my head is away from him. That's how it goes with me. I wish I was able to be with multiple people at the same time. Man.. would it make my sex cravings a lot easier!!
-peace
Anyway, I think that I give him the love and stability that he's not really had. I let him know that he is loved. Ok, I show it. We don't say it. (more on what happened when we did say it in another post). He has shown me that I do not need to settle, in my marriage, and that I am beautiful and I deserve more.
The thing is, we were friends and then became intimate. I just really enjoy spending time with him. He lives almost 2 hours away from me and is doing really well in his job. Me, i am stuck here in Harrisburg working a job that I really don't like. I can leave in October b/c I'll be fully vested and can take all of my money with me. I don't know where it would go, if anywhere, but I better not lose him as a friend. I just don't know how I'd handle him with another woman.
Ok... he was talking to a chick from where is from (West Coast) and it crushed me. I never had to deal with those feelings with my ex husband. He went to see her and spend time with her and was always on the phone with her. Constant text messages. I knew, but I checked his phone (something I've never done) and saw the texts. I instantly became so crushed, hurt and angry at the same time. Ugg.. I'm really not good at writing this stuff.
Anyway, he is amazing and I feel comfortable with him. However, I've always been into communication and I always say how I feel and I can't with him. He is my friend with benefits, but when we walk around where he lives we hold hands and kiss and go places. That's not really friend with benefits. I say, no, you can not ever have a friend with benefits. You have to go into knowing you are going to get hurt or hurt someone and that it will not end well. I just hope that the pain that I'll go through in losing him, won't be that bad, but I know it will be.
I do love him. It's just sad. I have such a loving side and I can't give that to another person b/c I'm hung up on him. I am afraid to talk to him about this b/c I don't want to push him to freak out (again). I just feel the need to know where his head is at, but I don't know how to ask him about it. I can't look at other men around this area until my head is away from him. That's how it goes with me. I wish I was able to be with multiple people at the same time. Man.. would it make my sex cravings a lot easier!!
-peace
Monday, August 4, 2008
Why I can't have sex.. for 4 more weeks
ok.. so I was married technically I still am married. I moved out of my house that I bought with my STBE (soon to be ex) on 1/11/08. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful friend, M, who let me stay at his apt. He moved from Harrisburg to DC and his apt sat empty. It was a small apt, but I made it really cozy and homey. I loved it. It was like freedom to me. I was able to come home to this place that I could make my own. M would come into town and we'd hang out and then he'd be gone again. However, that piece of freedom ended on St. Patrick's day weekend (2008). M totally made me, and Irish Lassie, away from my drinking Holiday of St. Patrick's day. That move was awful. I'll tell you that story another day.
Anyway... so I'm in M's apt for like 2 months and then that little haven ended. I started have sex with my FWB (friend with benefits) so I decided to do the responsible thing and go to the gyno to get on birth control. I picked my dr b/c when I type, I can NEVER spell crap right. I always spell it Carp. I looked online for an in-net dr and found Dr. Carp. SWEET!!! That's my man.
I went and got a pap and was put on the Nuva Ring. I then get a call that my pap is abnormal so I have to come back for a colposcopy. Dr. Carp was like, "everything looks normal but we'll call you in about a week." So I got a call that I have pre-cancerous cells on my cervix that I have to get removed. That required a LEEP. I got that done last Thursday. They took off a HUGE chunk of my cervix!! I thought they were just going to take layers off. This piece of cervix was about and inch and a half long and about a quarter centimeter in thickness. I was shocked.
So.. that's why I can't have sex. I was told.. nothing up there. No sex, no tampons and no douches. Oh, I about died when the nurse said, "douche and post op" in the same sentence. What really sucks is that I'm finally getting laid and now I can't have sex for weeks. It sucks ass. I hate it. Sex right now is spec-fucking-tacular and I don't want to give it up.
ahhh.. any suggestions? I mean I have a vibrator and that is good for getting off, but I just love sex. I love the skin to skin contact. Being able to look into another's eyes to see him and his pleasure. I love his noises. I love my noises. I love for us both to get off. I love sex. I just love it. I wish I could have it every day. In the morning, at night and sometime in the middle of the night. Sure, I might not get a lot of sleep, but I'm all for it.
Anyway... so I'm in M's apt for like 2 months and then that little haven ended. I started have sex with my FWB (friend with benefits) so I decided to do the responsible thing and go to the gyno to get on birth control. I picked my dr b/c when I type, I can NEVER spell crap right. I always spell it Carp. I looked online for an in-net dr and found Dr. Carp. SWEET!!! That's my man.
I went and got a pap and was put on the Nuva Ring. I then get a call that my pap is abnormal so I have to come back for a colposcopy. Dr. Carp was like, "everything looks normal but we'll call you in about a week." So I got a call that I have pre-cancerous cells on my cervix that I have to get removed. That required a LEEP. I got that done last Thursday. They took off a HUGE chunk of my cervix!! I thought they were just going to take layers off. This piece of cervix was about and inch and a half long and about a quarter centimeter in thickness. I was shocked.
So.. that's why I can't have sex. I was told.. nothing up there. No sex, no tampons and no douches. Oh, I about died when the nurse said, "douche and post op" in the same sentence. What really sucks is that I'm finally getting laid and now I can't have sex for weeks. It sucks ass. I hate it. Sex right now is spec-fucking-tacular and I don't want to give it up.
ahhh.. any suggestions? I mean I have a vibrator and that is good for getting off, but I just love sex. I love the skin to skin contact. Being able to look into another's eyes to see him and his pleasure. I love his noises. I love my noises. I love for us both to get off. I love sex. I just love it. I wish I could have it every day. In the morning, at night and sometime in the middle of the night. Sure, I might not get a lot of sleep, but I'm all for it.
Great Weekend
So... let's see... I drove down to see Al Gore on Friday night. We hung around his place for a little while and I don't know what it is, but when I first see him, since he is about 2 hrs away from me, I get all nervous and I don't know how to act. I just kind of lay there on his bed waiting for him to make the move to lay on the bed next to me. Truth be told, I sit there thinking how great his skin would feel on my skin and how wonderfully he smells. How I can't wait to rip his clothes off and have my ankles up by my ears as he's teasing me into grabbing his hips and making him finally thrust inside of me.
I digress. So I went to see Al Gore and then him and I went to see Bon Ivor. We go into this club and are all kinds of confused for a hot second. We didn't know where to go but we knew the show was not where we were. We got a drink and then wondered around. We also smoked so that could have added to the confusion. We get upstairs and the concert is not really my favorite type of music, but it was pretty good.
However, I got that stupid feeling again. I started to get all fidgety (is that a word?) and Al even commented about it. I just passed it off for being high. I knew what was coming. I got all kinds of sweaty and I told Al that I was going to the bathroom. I went to the bar and sat down and then had to jet to the bathroom. I was going to pass out. I got all tingly and I could just feel it. I went to the bathroom and stuff was closing off with my vision. The tunnel vision was happening. I was able to get into a bathroom just in time. I sat down and just put my head down and put ice on the back of neck and on my forehead. I finally started to feel better. Went back to see Al and had to apologize, but I basically said we needed to leave. He said he was ok with it, but it still makes me wonder if he wanted to stay? meh.... we left.
Got some snacks at 7-11 and then went back to his place where he smoked. I did not. That was the 2nd time I almost passed out in a week so yeah.. i'm going to keep some things on the downlow. Well we couldn't have sex. (again, more on that later) so well I just started touching and rubbing his stomach and sides and then of course I had to free him of his shorts and skivvies. Then all hell broke lose. I was rubbing him and then well, his dick looked so good that I had to go down and taste for myself. I swear to god, I could go down on this man forever and not feel tired. I know that we had to play this game for like 40 mins. I hope the blow job was good as I think it was and he says it was, but really, he's the only one that I have ever truly enjoyed doing it on. Sure there have been others that I have gone down on, but maybe like 2 people. So it's not a lot and I don't know exactly what I'm doing, but I'm learning.
Al and I will typically have sex about 4 times in a night.. including the early morning sex. So b/c I can't have sex, this was actually a very tough situation for us to be in. He did something, maybe went to the bathroom and then came back. I was laying on my stomach and he came and laid down on top of me with his dick on my ass cheeks. Now that is a hot feeling. Having this hard dick sliding on your ass crack. So basically, we couldn't have vaginal sex so we just had anal sex. Anal is not my favorite, but it's great to just throw in to spice things up. That was good and he came all over my back, again, fucking hot. Then he took a shower, I cleaned up and then we went to bed. It was really sad not waking up to this person fucking me, but alas, I survived.
More on my weekend later. I need to actually work.
I digress. So I went to see Al Gore and then him and I went to see Bon Ivor. We go into this club and are all kinds of confused for a hot second. We didn't know where to go but we knew the show was not where we were. We got a drink and then wondered around. We also smoked so that could have added to the confusion. We get upstairs and the concert is not really my favorite type of music, but it was pretty good.
However, I got that stupid feeling again. I started to get all fidgety (is that a word?) and Al even commented about it. I just passed it off for being high. I knew what was coming. I got all kinds of sweaty and I told Al that I was going to the bathroom. I went to the bar and sat down and then had to jet to the bathroom. I was going to pass out. I got all tingly and I could just feel it. I went to the bathroom and stuff was closing off with my vision. The tunnel vision was happening. I was able to get into a bathroom just in time. I sat down and just put my head down and put ice on the back of neck and on my forehead. I finally started to feel better. Went back to see Al and had to apologize, but I basically said we needed to leave. He said he was ok with it, but it still makes me wonder if he wanted to stay? meh.... we left.
Got some snacks at 7-11 and then went back to his place where he smoked. I did not. That was the 2nd time I almost passed out in a week so yeah.. i'm going to keep some things on the downlow. Well we couldn't have sex. (again, more on that later) so well I just started touching and rubbing his stomach and sides and then of course I had to free him of his shorts and skivvies. Then all hell broke lose. I was rubbing him and then well, his dick looked so good that I had to go down and taste for myself. I swear to god, I could go down on this man forever and not feel tired. I know that we had to play this game for like 40 mins. I hope the blow job was good as I think it was and he says it was, but really, he's the only one that I have ever truly enjoyed doing it on. Sure there have been others that I have gone down on, but maybe like 2 people. So it's not a lot and I don't know exactly what I'm doing, but I'm learning.
Al and I will typically have sex about 4 times in a night.. including the early morning sex. So b/c I can't have sex, this was actually a very tough situation for us to be in. He did something, maybe went to the bathroom and then came back. I was laying on my stomach and he came and laid down on top of me with his dick on my ass cheeks. Now that is a hot feeling. Having this hard dick sliding on your ass crack. So basically, we couldn't have vaginal sex so we just had anal sex. Anal is not my favorite, but it's great to just throw in to spice things up. That was good and he came all over my back, again, fucking hot. Then he took a shower, I cleaned up and then we went to bed. It was really sad not waking up to this person fucking me, but alas, I survived.
More on my weekend later. I need to actually work.
Friday, August 1, 2008
good weekend or not?
Ok so I'm going to go to my FWB (friend with benefits) place this weekend. I'll call him Al Gore. If he ever does read this, he'll know. Regardless, here are the plans. We are to go see this guy, Bon Iver, whom I've only seen one youtube of him (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62i9Sodwp5o)
so we are going to do that tonight, then tomorrow we are going to go to my parent's boat that they keep in Annapolis. They said we can stay over, but I don't know. Right now, they only think of Al Gore as my friend.
He did spend the night at my place and we did have sex and I SWEAR my mom heard us. I was trying to be quiet, but I mean, you know. It's pretty hard not to. OH well. So I don't know if we'll stay. We'll want to smoke. I mean we can do that, but we'd have to walk away from the boat.
Not that anyone reads this, but I'll keep you posted. Al Gore confuses the fuck out of me. I'll explain later.
so we are going to do that tonight, then tomorrow we are going to go to my parent's boat that they keep in Annapolis. They said we can stay over, but I don't know. Right now, they only think of Al Gore as my friend.
He did spend the night at my place and we did have sex and I SWEAR my mom heard us. I was trying to be quiet, but I mean, you know. It's pretty hard not to. OH well. So I don't know if we'll stay. We'll want to smoke. I mean we can do that, but we'd have to walk away from the boat.
Not that anyone reads this, but I'll keep you posted. Al Gore confuses the fuck out of me. I'll explain later.
Hot Boy
Ok, so about 4 weeks ago I went out downtown with my sister and some of her work friends. We ran into this guy that I work with and his friend who I will name L_dub. L_dub was smoking hot. I mean beautiful brown skin, not real dark, not real light. He was tall and had a rock hard, smoking body. We went back to my work friend's apt and smoked and L_dub called me back in the hallway. I was all kinds of taken back b/c I didn't know he was feeling me. He gave me his number so I was stocked.
Oh, so I was wearing this really pretty maxi dress. (which I personally hate the name for it. I mean who comes up with these names?) Well I can't wear a bra with it and I don't have a strapless. Why don't I have a strapless bra? Well b/c I think they all suck. They all slip/fall down and then my tits are all not supported and that's not good. So... I duct taped my boobs. Yes I put something over my nipples so it wouldn't hurt. This wasn't the first time I've done that. Anyway, so back in the hallway, L_dub tried to hug me and I was all super paranoid that he was going to feel the duct tape so I had to position myself in the hug so he couldn't. Totally random.
Anyway, so we were texting and stuff and he went to Hawaii for at least a week if not longer. We were going to meet up last weekend, but it never happened. I went back to my friend JP's house after work and met up with some other girls and we smoked. So when L_dub texted me, I really was not in the right state of mind to text back. This is all new to me. I've never dated anyone and texting is a game/art in itself. Plus I mean, i was hiiigggh so it was just a struggle to text. I couldn't drive so we didn't meet up.
Short story long, he blew me off. I was going to go to a football game Saturday to see him and he never texted me. Oh well. No big deal. I'm thinking that this dude is way too hot for me anyway. I mean, he is smokin' hot. No lie. Totally cut body. Man the bad things I would have done to him. Meh, his loss.
So this morning when my alarm goes off, I was in the middle of a dream. My dream.... I was going out on a date with L_dub and I was getting ready at the house I lived at. Apparently, it was this like run down house with junk everywhere and it wasn't my house. I was staying there. Like the bathroom didn't even really have a door and there was no mirror. So L_dub comes to the door and I'm not ready. I have pants on but no shirt so I walk out to open the door with my hands covering my tits. I walk around like this often actually in my house. So, I finish getting ready. We are in the house and pass by this strawberry cake and he tells me that he bought the same one and it's good. He feeds me a bite. It was so yummy. Then we just start kissing. I have him pined against a wall and we are just making out. My god his lips are just awesome to kiss. So soft and well kissable. Then my alarm goes off. I was pretty pissed that it was a dream.
I mean seriously, the things that I would do to him..... I can't think more than that b/c I'm at work and I don't want to have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom.
I'll post later about why I can't have sex with him and why I've never been on a date nor played the text message game.
Oh, so I was wearing this really pretty maxi dress. (which I personally hate the name for it. I mean who comes up with these names?) Well I can't wear a bra with it and I don't have a strapless. Why don't I have a strapless bra? Well b/c I think they all suck. They all slip/fall down and then my tits are all not supported and that's not good. So... I duct taped my boobs. Yes I put something over my nipples so it wouldn't hurt. This wasn't the first time I've done that. Anyway, so back in the hallway, L_dub tried to hug me and I was all super paranoid that he was going to feel the duct tape so I had to position myself in the hug so he couldn't. Totally random.
Anyway, so we were texting and stuff and he went to Hawaii for at least a week if not longer. We were going to meet up last weekend, but it never happened. I went back to my friend JP's house after work and met up with some other girls and we smoked. So when L_dub texted me, I really was not in the right state of mind to text back. This is all new to me. I've never dated anyone and texting is a game/art in itself. Plus I mean, i was hiiigggh so it was just a struggle to text. I couldn't drive so we didn't meet up.
Short story long, he blew me off. I was going to go to a football game Saturday to see him and he never texted me. Oh well. No big deal. I'm thinking that this dude is way too hot for me anyway. I mean, he is smokin' hot. No lie. Totally cut body. Man the bad things I would have done to him. Meh, his loss.
So this morning when my alarm goes off, I was in the middle of a dream. My dream.... I was going out on a date with L_dub and I was getting ready at the house I lived at. Apparently, it was this like run down house with junk everywhere and it wasn't my house. I was staying there. Like the bathroom didn't even really have a door and there was no mirror. So L_dub comes to the door and I'm not ready. I have pants on but no shirt so I walk out to open the door with my hands covering my tits. I walk around like this often actually in my house. So, I finish getting ready. We are in the house and pass by this strawberry cake and he tells me that he bought the same one and it's good. He feeds me a bite. It was so yummy. Then we just start kissing. I have him pined against a wall and we are just making out. My god his lips are just awesome to kiss. So soft and well kissable. Then my alarm goes off. I was pretty pissed that it was a dream.
I mean seriously, the things that I would do to him..... I can't think more than that b/c I'm at work and I don't want to have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom.
I'll post later about why I can't have sex with him and why I've never been on a date nor played the text message game.
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