It's random for me to deal with anyone that has a "past." Why? well b/c i was with the ex since HS so I never have actually dated anyone. I just don't know what goes on. I don't know how to act. I also have feelings of insecurities, jealousy, anger, confusion, alienation, challenged... all kinds of things that I've never had to deal with before.
Like someone's past. I know that everyone has one. I guess if my and the lova had more communication then I wouldn't either feel those or feel them less? I had plenty of opportunities to sleep with men this past weekend, but I didn't. The lova gave me a bracelet. I'm normally not into bracelets but I do like. BUT I wonder who else has worn it you know? Who else has he given it to? And I struggle with this question b/c I have no room to care about it. I have no room to question it. He is the man that I sleep with.
He has a past. He has had relationships and quite frankly, quite a few... IMO. I don't think that I will ever reach that status of his ex. He has shut himself off from that I think. I mean, can you blame the man? So many people that he has put his love and trust in, has disappointed him and they have all ended.
It really crushed me (I can admit it now) when he was lying to me and talking to another girl from Portland. His cell phone was glued to his side. It was just such a trust issue for me and he blew it. It's hard for me to get it out of mind.
Like he was just away for business for all of last week. I didn't really speak to him all that much. I would wonder, "who is he seeing out there?" He's now back home and I talked to him last night for a little while, but there is just a distance between us and I'm not sure what it is. My mind just goes back to Portland chick. I want to ask him about it, but I don't have an rights to ask him about it you know?
Then I don't know if I'm freaking out about nothing. There is just no communication between us. I just don't want to put stock in something that is just going to hurt in the end and frankly, I just see this hurting me in the end. I will, inevitably, lose a friendship over it and I don't like that.
Oh, I do know that his ex is coming to hang out with him on Friday. I don't know if she's staying over or what. Again, I have no right to ask. I know that he is now friends with the ex that fucked him up, on Facebook. Is that what is fucking with his head? I know she's going to be in Philly this weekend and we are also supposed to be there for my cousin's surprise birthday party also in Philly.
I just don't know and it's just unsettling to me. I have about a 35 min drive home from work every night and it just gives me time to think. That's all there is to do.. ok besides smoking, yes which I do.
So, do I say something? Do I not? I'll prob do what I normally do and sit and think about it for a while and then say something or get over it. I guess I do internalize a lot of stuff. I also think he found my blog. I hope not b/c it is very personal to me and I say stuff here that I think and I'm sure, when reading it, it would freak him out.
hmmmm.. I wonder if that's where his head is at? Honestly, he's prob just really busy and I'm just doing typical over analyzing stuff. Boo
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
TMI Tuesday
TMI Tuesday #154
1. What do you feel is the difference between sexy and erotic?
I think you can feel sexy in anything. I feel sexy in a pair of boycut undies and a tank top. I feel sexy when I get out of the shower. I feel sexy when I'm getting ready to go out and I'm just in a bra and panties or wearing a bra and jeans.
Sexy is a state of mind. You have to feel sexy. I feel sexy in some outfits I wear to work. I specifically have a pencil skirt that I wear with a body clinging white shirt. I call it my "dirty secretary" outfit.
Now Erotic... I think of erotic as something that gets me off. Be it porn, my vibrator or having sex with someone that I care about. Erotic can also be something "naughty" that I am not supposed to know about, but I do and I like it. It gets me wet.
2. Do you believe there is one right person (i.e. soul mate) for you out there in the world, or that there can be many different potential mates that you could live blissfully with?
100% most def the second part of that!!! I was with someone since I was 17. We were together almost 14 years. We were married in 2005 and bought a house together. I thought, if anyone was going to make it, we would and we didn't make it. We Failed. I think that society places in our young girlish minds, that we will find a Prince Charming and live happily ever after. It NEVER works that way.
I believe that you will have several "soul mates." They don't necessarily have to be with a lova. I feel that my best friend, is one of my soul mates. She just gets me and it's great.
3. Do you need to hear "I love you" or similar words on a regular basis from your partner?
Absolutely not. I sort of feel if you say it all the time, that it doesn't mean as much. Actions speak way louder then words. I would rather my lover bring me home something that he just happened to see in the grocery store that I'd love. Take Slim Jims for instance. I LOVE THEM. yes, I know what they are made of. Like if my bf or whomever would stop and get me a Slim Jim, I'd be excited and I would know that he loved me w/o having to say it.
I am a rather secure person and I do not need to be constantly reassured that my man loves me. I mean, hell, how could you not love me?
4. What feeling do you have the most difficulty expressing?
Hmmm.. that's a tough one. I do have a very hard time asking for help. I don't really know why. I guess I have just been let down by so many people. In little ways too. Like asking someone for a ride when my car is in the shop and they tell me, the day of, that they can't do it. So I have naturally just depended upon myself to do things.
I think, my hardest feeling to express would be anger or that i am upset with someone. I was raised to hold my tongue and it's really hard for me to express, if I am not comfortable with you, that you did something and it's not right.
5. What is worse - physical, mental or cyber cheating?
Wow.. this is a good one. Mental is the least of those 3 options. I guess it depends on how far the cyber cheating would go. I would def say that there isn't a "worse" in cyber and physical cheating. They are both a break in trust and I would have major issues recovering from either.
Bonus (as in optional): The Kinsey scale attempts to describe a person's sexual history or episodes of their sexual activity at a given time. It uses a scale from 0, meaning exclusively heterosexual, to 6, meaning exclusively homosexual. Where are you - TODAY - on the scale?
Lol.. I think women are amazing and beautiful. They are sexy and smart and I'm sure, they are good tasting. They are just not my thing. I prefer men and dick all the way. So, I am #1 on this scale.
1. What do you feel is the difference between sexy and erotic?
I think you can feel sexy in anything. I feel sexy in a pair of boycut undies and a tank top. I feel sexy when I get out of the shower. I feel sexy when I'm getting ready to go out and I'm just in a bra and panties or wearing a bra and jeans.
Sexy is a state of mind. You have to feel sexy. I feel sexy in some outfits I wear to work. I specifically have a pencil skirt that I wear with a body clinging white shirt. I call it my "dirty secretary" outfit.
Now Erotic... I think of erotic as something that gets me off. Be it porn, my vibrator or having sex with someone that I care about. Erotic can also be something "naughty" that I am not supposed to know about, but I do and I like it. It gets me wet.
2. Do you believe there is one right person (i.e. soul mate) for you out there in the world, or that there can be many different potential mates that you could live blissfully with?
100% most def the second part of that!!! I was with someone since I was 17. We were together almost 14 years. We were married in 2005 and bought a house together. I thought, if anyone was going to make it, we would and we didn't make it. We Failed. I think that society places in our young girlish minds, that we will find a Prince Charming and live happily ever after. It NEVER works that way.
I believe that you will have several "soul mates." They don't necessarily have to be with a lova. I feel that my best friend, is one of my soul mates. She just gets me and it's great.
3. Do you need to hear "I love you" or similar words on a regular basis from your partner?
Absolutely not. I sort of feel if you say it all the time, that it doesn't mean as much. Actions speak way louder then words. I would rather my lover bring me home something that he just happened to see in the grocery store that I'd love. Take Slim Jims for instance. I LOVE THEM. yes, I know what they are made of. Like if my bf or whomever would stop and get me a Slim Jim, I'd be excited and I would know that he loved me w/o having to say it.
I am a rather secure person and I do not need to be constantly reassured that my man loves me. I mean, hell, how could you not love me?
4. What feeling do you have the most difficulty expressing?
Hmmm.. that's a tough one. I do have a very hard time asking for help. I don't really know why. I guess I have just been let down by so many people. In little ways too. Like asking someone for a ride when my car is in the shop and they tell me, the day of, that they can't do it. So I have naturally just depended upon myself to do things.
I think, my hardest feeling to express would be anger or that i am upset with someone. I was raised to hold my tongue and it's really hard for me to express, if I am not comfortable with you, that you did something and it's not right.
5. What is worse - physical, mental or cyber cheating?
Wow.. this is a good one. Mental is the least of those 3 options. I guess it depends on how far the cyber cheating would go. I would def say that there isn't a "worse" in cyber and physical cheating. They are both a break in trust and I would have major issues recovering from either.
Bonus (as in optional): The Kinsey scale attempts to describe a person's sexual history or episodes of their sexual activity at a given time. It uses a scale from 0, meaning exclusively heterosexual, to 6, meaning exclusively homosexual. Where are you - TODAY - on the scale?
Lol.. I think women are amazing and beautiful. They are sexy and smart and I'm sure, they are good tasting. They are just not my thing. I prefer men and dick all the way. So, I am #1 on this scale.
Fuck everyone
I am in the state of mind that I just want to tell everyone to just fuck off. Al Gore, I mean, I just see that actually changing and it's me this time. It's not him. Lol.. "no baby, sorry. It's me. IT's not you." I just need to feel important to someone and I need someone to be there for me and it's just not him. I'll see where it goes, but it doesn't really look promising.
I was at my house (the one I own, not the one I live at) watching the dogs on Sat/Sunday. I went out with my bff and met up with L_dub and Ken. They ended up coming back to the house to smoke. Long story short, the ex found out and it's the HUGE deal. I'm so fucking over it. Fuck off and fuck you.
I want to say "fuck you" work b/c this job is fucking redic. It's not fun. They only thing that makes this job tolerable is that I can get online. I can actually have contact with the outside world. Also, I have a couple of good,close friends here that help pass the time.
I do have an interview on Wed, but I never count on them to go well.
I was at my house (the one I own, not the one I live at) watching the dogs on Sat/Sunday. I went out with my bff and met up with L_dub and Ken. They ended up coming back to the house to smoke. Long story short, the ex found out and it's the HUGE deal. I'm so fucking over it. Fuck off and fuck you.
I want to say "fuck you" work b/c this job is fucking redic. It's not fun. They only thing that makes this job tolerable is that I can get online. I can actually have contact with the outside world. Also, I have a couple of good,close friends here that help pass the time.
I do have an interview on Wed, but I never count on them to go well.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Worries
My ex and I were together since we were 17. Now my age on this blog is not exactly accurate due to trying to keep Al Gore from finding this. I did mention something to him about me having a blog, but, I'm sure it has since been forgotten.
Anyway, the ex and I.... we were together at 17. Then we graduated and I stayed home to go to my local Community College and he went to Penn State Altoona for what was supposed to be 2 years. He grew up in a very unpleasant environment where he was never able to do anything. So, when he went to college and was allowed to do anything he wanted, he did just that. He was drunk or stoned all the time. There were occasions where I wouldn't talk with him for days w/o him being fucked up. I would drive up to see him (2 hours) almost every weekend. People there didn't even know that I didn't go to school there. People also didn't know my name. Everyone knew me as "Millers" girlfriend. I never had an identity. I was just his girlfriend. Sure, people liked me and we got along really well, but still, no one knew my name. I really am not over exaggerating on this one. I would say out of the 30 or so people we hung around, 12 knew my name and I went to HS with 5 of them.
Then, he went to live in State College, PA for a summer. That's when things just got much worse. The drug use was all day, every day. He was never sober. My parent's had an 800 number to the house and it was free for him to call and I'd call him back. He NEVER called me. Since he didn't have a cell phone, it was hard for me to get in touch with him.
There was one point where he drove down the 2 hours to come and pick up his brother and he never bothered to come see me or even stop in for a quick second. He didn't even call.
I ended up going to school about 45 to an hour away from where he was in Altoona. Why? B/c my parent's wouldn't let me go to the school that he was at. So, instead, I went to the next closest place. Indiana University of Pennsylvania. My second semester there I had no Friday classes, my Thursday classes ended at 7 and my Monday's didn't start until around 10. So what did I do? I went to Altoona Thursday night through Monday morning. I met more people that only knew me as "Miller's" girlfriend and again, no one knew I didn't go to school there.
I ended up making NO friends there at IUP except one girl Shawna. I will always appreciate her for actually taking the time to get to know me. We were both there as transfers and both sophomores.
Anyway, so here I am. No friends at the school I was at. Drunk and fucked up boyfriend at a school where I always am where no one knows my name and everyone thinks I go to school there. I lost my identity. I had none. I was "Miller's" girlfriend. I was at a school ONLY b/c it was close to him. I wasn't even in college for the right reasons. I did it b/c that is what was expected.
I ended up transferring to Penn State's main campus the 3rd semester at IUP or the first semester of my Jr. Year. I still really didn't make new friends there either. I was still dependent upon being "Miller's" girlfriend.
So cut to use living together in a house about 8 years ago.. so 2000? Anyway, we move into a house with another couple (never ever ever ever should you do that) and quickly made friends with the neighbors. The neighbor's friends even knew me as Mrs. "Miller" No one, again, knew my first name.
So, that caused a HUGE insecurity. Now, when I go places and meet people, and people can't or don't remember my name, I take it as, I don't matter. I'm still "Miller's" girlfriend. I think that carries over into interviews with me. That I get all flustered over the fact that I am unforgetable. That I will leave the interview and they'll all talk amongst themselves and say, "well that was nice" and then forget me 5 mins later.
Also, I have let a man dictate my life for so long. Not that I coudlnt' change it. Not that he forced it. I did it willingly. I guess, for me, it was easier to follow along and do what he was doing then to actually sit down and carve out my own life.
Who's to say that the choices that we made in our lives are bad? They have all led us down a certain path and we have done things and met people that we prob would not have had we made other choices. I do not regret being with the ex for so long (almost 14 years) b/c I have learned a lot.
I worry, though, that I am falling back into that trap with Al. This is what I want. I want to be able to go back to school for radiology. I want to finally file for divorce. I don't want to, but I will end up working 2 jobs to pay for school. I want to still see Al Gore. I just think that it can't all happen. I am going back to school, this time, for me. For no one else but me. If (and this is a HUGE if) I want to have any kind of future (shudder.. i can't believe I just said that) with Al, then I have to make everything right with me. I have to do this and he's either going to support me and take the train up when he can, or he won't. What can I do about it? It's really ... like the ball is in his court.
So that's some background as to my insecurities and where they come from and some thoughts that go through my head, all day.
Anyway, the ex and I.... we were together at 17. Then we graduated and I stayed home to go to my local Community College and he went to Penn State Altoona for what was supposed to be 2 years. He grew up in a very unpleasant environment where he was never able to do anything. So, when he went to college and was allowed to do anything he wanted, he did just that. He was drunk or stoned all the time. There were occasions where I wouldn't talk with him for days w/o him being fucked up. I would drive up to see him (2 hours) almost every weekend. People there didn't even know that I didn't go to school there. People also didn't know my name. Everyone knew me as "Millers" girlfriend. I never had an identity. I was just his girlfriend. Sure, people liked me and we got along really well, but still, no one knew my name. I really am not over exaggerating on this one. I would say out of the 30 or so people we hung around, 12 knew my name and I went to HS with 5 of them.
Then, he went to live in State College, PA for a summer. That's when things just got much worse. The drug use was all day, every day. He was never sober. My parent's had an 800 number to the house and it was free for him to call and I'd call him back. He NEVER called me. Since he didn't have a cell phone, it was hard for me to get in touch with him.
There was one point where he drove down the 2 hours to come and pick up his brother and he never bothered to come see me or even stop in for a quick second. He didn't even call.
I ended up going to school about 45 to an hour away from where he was in Altoona. Why? B/c my parent's wouldn't let me go to the school that he was at. So, instead, I went to the next closest place. Indiana University of Pennsylvania. My second semester there I had no Friday classes, my Thursday classes ended at 7 and my Monday's didn't start until around 10. So what did I do? I went to Altoona Thursday night through Monday morning. I met more people that only knew me as "Miller's" girlfriend and again, no one knew I didn't go to school there.
I ended up making NO friends there at IUP except one girl Shawna. I will always appreciate her for actually taking the time to get to know me. We were both there as transfers and both sophomores.
Anyway, so here I am. No friends at the school I was at. Drunk and fucked up boyfriend at a school where I always am where no one knows my name and everyone thinks I go to school there. I lost my identity. I had none. I was "Miller's" girlfriend. I was at a school ONLY b/c it was close to him. I wasn't even in college for the right reasons. I did it b/c that is what was expected.
I ended up transferring to Penn State's main campus the 3rd semester at IUP or the first semester of my Jr. Year. I still really didn't make new friends there either. I was still dependent upon being "Miller's" girlfriend.
So cut to use living together in a house about 8 years ago.. so 2000? Anyway, we move into a house with another couple (never ever ever ever should you do that) and quickly made friends with the neighbors. The neighbor's friends even knew me as Mrs. "Miller" No one, again, knew my first name.
So, that caused a HUGE insecurity. Now, when I go places and meet people, and people can't or don't remember my name, I take it as, I don't matter. I'm still "Miller's" girlfriend. I think that carries over into interviews with me. That I get all flustered over the fact that I am unforgetable. That I will leave the interview and they'll all talk amongst themselves and say, "well that was nice" and then forget me 5 mins later.
Also, I have let a man dictate my life for so long. Not that I coudlnt' change it. Not that he forced it. I did it willingly. I guess, for me, it was easier to follow along and do what he was doing then to actually sit down and carve out my own life.
Who's to say that the choices that we made in our lives are bad? They have all led us down a certain path and we have done things and met people that we prob would not have had we made other choices. I do not regret being with the ex for so long (almost 14 years) b/c I have learned a lot.
I worry, though, that I am falling back into that trap with Al. This is what I want. I want to be able to go back to school for radiology. I want to finally file for divorce. I don't want to, but I will end up working 2 jobs to pay for school. I want to still see Al Gore. I just think that it can't all happen. I am going back to school, this time, for me. For no one else but me. If (and this is a HUGE if) I want to have any kind of future (shudder.. i can't believe I just said that) with Al, then I have to make everything right with me. I have to do this and he's either going to support me and take the train up when he can, or he won't. What can I do about it? It's really ... like the ball is in his court.
So that's some background as to my insecurities and where they come from and some thoughts that go through my head, all day.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Sad thoughts
Ok.. so I mean, what's the point with Al Gore? I don't live there and he doesn't live here. We are just under 2 hours apart. I can't keep driving down to see him all the time. It's crushing my money situation. I would move, but I don't think it would be right to move there or even in with him. I do want to move. I don't want to be here. I just don't know anything right now.
I mean, seriously, what's the point? I am enjoying being with him and I'm sure he enjoys being with me. What I need to do is concentrate on my life. I need to go back to school. I need to stop going to see him and spending money. I need to be and do me. It just sucks b/c he's just so wonderful and I enjoy my time with him so much. I guess it's one of those crappy relationships of, "maybe if we were in different places in our lives" but we aren't. We can't change that.
School will be a big commitment of time for me. It will require me to get a second job thus making it virtually impossible to see him at all. So, what's the point? I am sure that I'm putting off school b/c I don't want it to end with him, but I have to. I am 30. I am not getting any younger.
I just need to do it. I need to just be miserable for a while with two jobs and school and no Al Gore.
I mean, seriously, what's the point? I am enjoying being with him and I'm sure he enjoys being with me. What I need to do is concentrate on my life. I need to go back to school. I need to stop going to see him and spending money. I need to be and do me. It just sucks b/c he's just so wonderful and I enjoy my time with him so much. I guess it's one of those crappy relationships of, "maybe if we were in different places in our lives" but we aren't. We can't change that.
School will be a big commitment of time for me. It will require me to get a second job thus making it virtually impossible to see him at all. So, what's the point? I am sure that I'm putting off school b/c I don't want it to end with him, but I have to. I am 30. I am not getting any younger.
I just need to do it. I need to just be miserable for a while with two jobs and school and no Al Gore.
TMI Tuesday
http://tmituesday.blogspot.com/
1. What is the strangest thing you have ever inserted or seen inserted (in a sexual manner) in person?
Well I personally have not stuck anything unusual "up there." It's not really my thing. However, I did see some chick squirt out a football on line. I mean, what can't you see online any more?
2. Have you ever had sex anyone whose name started with a J?
ummmm.. my ex's name begins with a J and i was with him for almost 14 years. However, we had sex once in the last 6 years so.... yes I have, but it's been a long time.
3. Have you ever been outside completely naked?
OH.. Yah... Sure. Al gore and I were having sex outside when he was up about a month or so ago. Both in the really hot day time and the chilly night time. I don't mind being naked at all. I just don't really want people to see me so I need to feel safe where I am and trust the person I am with.
4. Do you prefer music, tv, or other noise in the background when you have sex?
Negative on the tv.
Positive to music. I think music can enhance anything and esp during sex. Al Gore and I were at the beach last week and very toasted. We were listening to music on his ipod through headphones with a splitter and having sex. It was spectacular. The music just added so much to it. Then one of my earphones fell out and I realized how loud we were. Meh.. fuck it. It was great sex.
5. Have you ever used ice for sexual purposes?
Not that I can remember, but ice on a blow job? Hmmmm... I may have to try that one b/c I think Al would love that. I will have to research that later.
Bonus: Have you ever been propositioned for group sex?
Not really. I mean, there are always douche bags out at a bar that see me and my best friend and they will ask us, but I don't think I've ever been asked seriously.
1. What is the strangest thing you have ever inserted or seen inserted (in a sexual manner) in person?
Well I personally have not stuck anything unusual "up there." It's not really my thing. However, I did see some chick squirt out a football on line. I mean, what can't you see online any more?
2. Have you ever had sex anyone whose name started with a J?
ummmm.. my ex's name begins with a J and i was with him for almost 14 years. However, we had sex once in the last 6 years so.... yes I have, but it's been a long time.
3. Have you ever been outside completely naked?
OH.. Yah... Sure. Al gore and I were having sex outside when he was up about a month or so ago. Both in the really hot day time and the chilly night time. I don't mind being naked at all. I just don't really want people to see me so I need to feel safe where I am and trust the person I am with.
4. Do you prefer music, tv, or other noise in the background when you have sex?
Negative on the tv.
Positive to music. I think music can enhance anything and esp during sex. Al Gore and I were at the beach last week and very toasted. We were listening to music on his ipod through headphones with a splitter and having sex. It was spectacular. The music just added so much to it. Then one of my earphones fell out and I realized how loud we were. Meh.. fuck it. It was great sex.
5. Have you ever used ice for sexual purposes?
Not that I can remember, but ice on a blow job? Hmmmm... I may have to try that one b/c I think Al would love that. I will have to research that later.
Bonus: Have you ever been propositioned for group sex?
Not really. I mean, there are always douche bags out at a bar that see me and my best friend and they will ask us, but I don't think I've ever been asked seriously.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Vacation
Ok, well I was just in Ocean City, Maryland for the past week. It was wonderful and amazing and a great relaxing time. Anyway, Al Gore came with and well, the friends that we were with (11 of us plus me so 12) and none of them know anything about us. They knew that I had an FWB, but not who it was. Anyway, we had discussed this and I told him and well, I thought it was agreed that we weren't going to be so "out" with our affection. Especially after the freak out like 5 months ago where he was freaked out when he thought I wanted more right? Ok.. so at the OC he was all "babe" this and "babe" that. It was kinda crazy. He would touch me, rub my shoulders and what not. He would hold my hand and what not. I honestly didn't really care or whatever. I let it happen. I love him and it felt right and why fight it?
So I don't know what's up or where that leaves us. Honestly I don't really even care. It is what it is and who needs to define it? I mean, i get kind of antsy to be able to say we are dating or to be able to say that he's my boyfriend. But really, why does it matter? Titles are just societies way to normalize something... to make it acceptable.
I know what he means to me. I hope he knows what he means to me, but i don't really know. I think the one thing that we need to really work on is communication. He did say, over the week, that he doesn't like it when I would talk with other of my guy friends at the OC, but to his credit, I had no clue. That's what is great about him. It might bother him, but he's great about keeping it under wraps.
Also, I mean, I got a little bitchy and he was great about it. He was really calm and was like, "listen babe, you do whatever you want to do and I'm happy with it." He really is not like people that I date. He is different. Wonderful.
I will just continue to enjoy w/o definition of anything.
So I don't know what's up or where that leaves us. Honestly I don't really even care. It is what it is and who needs to define it? I mean, i get kind of antsy to be able to say we are dating or to be able to say that he's my boyfriend. But really, why does it matter? Titles are just societies way to normalize something... to make it acceptable.
I know what he means to me. I hope he knows what he means to me, but i don't really know. I think the one thing that we need to really work on is communication. He did say, over the week, that he doesn't like it when I would talk with other of my guy friends at the OC, but to his credit, I had no clue. That's what is great about him. It might bother him, but he's great about keeping it under wraps.
Also, I mean, I got a little bitchy and he was great about it. He was really calm and was like, "listen babe, you do whatever you want to do and I'm happy with it." He really is not like people that I date. He is different. Wonderful.
I will just continue to enjoy w/o definition of anything.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Boredom
Ok.. I am at work and it's an awful, overcast, rainy day outside. I am tired and this day is making it worse on my coherentness. Hmm.. that's not a word. Fuck it. This is the day before my week vacation starts. I can not wait. I am getting together with 11 other people to rent a beach house in Ocean City, Maryland.
So, what friends you may be asking? They are all people that I have met online based around jellyfish.com. Kinda weird. I never thought I'd honestly be all about meeting people online and it's not like I started going to a that site to meet people. It's a freaking shopping site. Anyway... that's where I met Al Gore.
I organized a meet and get together for a bunch of people from that site to go to Hershey park for the day and Al had agreed to help me plan. I knew when he walked out ot my car for us to go get coffee, now this is the first time I saw him, that I'd be having sex with him. I just kind of know these things. Well no, that's nto right. I haven't had enough exp. to say that.
Anyway, so I have on friend from California flying in, a couple from Tampa, a couple from Minnesota, a friend from Madison, WI, then me here and a bunch of other people from the Washington DC / Baltimore area.
I need this fucking vacation so badly. I just need to get away and relax.
Oh and get this shit. I use the nuva ring as birth control and I took it out actually a week early so that I could get my period this week, then do nuva ring again and stop period for teh beach. Well my damn period never came this week.. never came.. never came. i was really hungry for chocolate and salty chips so I thought, ok, I'm either pregnant or my period is coming. So finally, today, Friday, I start to get it early this morning. It's like a cruel joke b/c I could be having sex with Al Gore tomorrow but it's up to him if he feels like it while I'm on the red tide. Just another fuck you by my body.
However, me getting my period is good b/c that means I am not pregnant. I don't care who reads this, If I get pregnant, I will not have the baby. I will not carry it to term and give it up for adoption. I will abort the thing. That is my right and I am ok with it. I do not believe that life begins at conception.
Ok.. well maybe I should work? nah...
So, what friends you may be asking? They are all people that I have met online based around jellyfish.com. Kinda weird. I never thought I'd honestly be all about meeting people online and it's not like I started going to a that site to meet people. It's a freaking shopping site. Anyway... that's where I met Al Gore.
I organized a meet and get together for a bunch of people from that site to go to Hershey park for the day and Al had agreed to help me plan. I knew when he walked out ot my car for us to go get coffee, now this is the first time I saw him, that I'd be having sex with him. I just kind of know these things. Well no, that's nto right. I haven't had enough exp. to say that.
Anyway, so I have on friend from California flying in, a couple from Tampa, a couple from Minnesota, a friend from Madison, WI, then me here and a bunch of other people from the Washington DC / Baltimore area.
I need this fucking vacation so badly. I just need to get away and relax.
Oh and get this shit. I use the nuva ring as birth control and I took it out actually a week early so that I could get my period this week, then do nuva ring again and stop period for teh beach. Well my damn period never came this week.. never came.. never came. i was really hungry for chocolate and salty chips so I thought, ok, I'm either pregnant or my period is coming. So finally, today, Friday, I start to get it early this morning. It's like a cruel joke b/c I could be having sex with Al Gore tomorrow but it's up to him if he feels like it while I'm on the red tide. Just another fuck you by my body.
However, me getting my period is good b/c that means I am not pregnant. I don't care who reads this, If I get pregnant, I will not have the baby. I will not carry it to term and give it up for adoption. I will abort the thing. That is my right and I am ok with it. I do not believe that life begins at conception.
Ok.. well maybe I should work? nah...
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Jack and me
Just thought i'd send a quick note saying that jack and I, my purple jack rabbit vibrator, got off 3 times last night. Like every 10 mins. It was great. i loved it. I needed it. I wish i could do more. I was tired though
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Car Accident
Ok.. well, my weekend was exciting to say the least. Al Gore called me and wanted to come up and stay for the weekend. He caught a train and I was going to pick him up. NOw keep in mind, that this was Saturday and we had the left over Hurricane rain here in PA. IT was dreadful. I was honestly, questioning whey Mr. Gore decided to come up so early and make me drive in this awful rain. There were times when I could barely see the road and I was hydroplaning badly. I was able to make it through.
Until right about 20 miles from Baltimore. Something crazy happened to my car. Ok, I should say that I have a small SUV. I think they call them crossover's now. It's a Pontiac Torrent. It's a 2006 and in really good shape. I was in the left lane. My car suddenly just whipped around.. like the back just started to whip around and I just went sliding across the highway.
I spun around and smacked off of the guardrail on the driver's side of the car and then kept spinning back across the highway, into the (now) mud median and ended up coming to a stop pointing towards oncoming traffic but still in the median.
I was sooooo scared. Shit was flying everywhere. All I could think was, "where's my phone.. where's my phone. I have to call Al. Where is my god damn phone?" I found it, finally, in the door of my car. I called him and all I could say was "oh my god" aobut 50 times. He said that he was trying to get me to tell him what happened and to calm down, but I dont' remember any of this.
(trying to keep this short, but with me, that's impossible) I got out of the car in the pouring rain and checked to see the damage. The whole left rear section from right at the passenger's side door and back was all banged up. I had dirt and mud everywhere. I honestly, didn't think my car looked that bad and it still isn't that bad.
My next thought was, "am I going to be stuck in the mud?" So I turned the car back on and moved and thankfully I was not stuck. So I moved the car so at least I was pointing the right way on the side of the road.
And didn't you know that no one stopped!!! Ok.. well on car stopped but he was going in the opposite direction. I waived him off saying thank you,b ut I'm ok and like please don't get out of your car b/c it's pouring down rain.
I checked a 4 tires and they at least, were still inflated. So I went to drive off and my alignment was soooooo off. I drove for a few and then made it to the right shoulder.
(trying to make this short) I called All back, well I have been on the phone with him off and on and I did sit in my car for like 10 minutes to smoke 2 cigs and to calm down. I called him back to say that Iw as going to try to make it the 20 more miles to come get him. I limped my car, with flashers on going 40 mph the whole way. Took me forever. I just wanted to get to Al b/c he was like my salvation.
Got there, we parked my car, went to lunch and then Starbucks to use their wireless. Anyway... Al was amazing through all of this. He helped to calm me down. He got us a hotel room that night at the Mariott. We got pizza and a 6 pack and well, had sex like 6 times that night/morning and all of which were amazing.. except the last one, but no worries. He just wanted to take care of me to make sure that I was fine.
I got the car on a flatbed back home, which cost me $260 out of pocket. I called my sister, a_dubs, and she came to pick Al and I up after work. We got lunch and tried to get a rental car which was a pain so that's why I had my sister drive the hour to come and get me. Al and I spent all of Sunday at Barnes and Noble and I read "confessions of a video vixen" and it was good. Glad I didnt' have to buy teh book though.
So now, it's Wednesday afternoon and I"m still waiting on teh place to tell me the damage and how long it's going to take to fix my car. I'm going to the beach next week so I NEED a car. I'll have to rent one. I have to pay out of pocket, again, but the insurance company will reimburse me $25/day. So I'll end up paying like $7/day.
anyuway.. that's my accident. I should have rolled my car and I didn't. I should have hit someone and I didn't. I could have been hurt and I wasn't. It could have been way way way worse. Thank God.
Until right about 20 miles from Baltimore. Something crazy happened to my car. Ok, I should say that I have a small SUV. I think they call them crossover's now. It's a Pontiac Torrent. It's a 2006 and in really good shape. I was in the left lane. My car suddenly just whipped around.. like the back just started to whip around and I just went sliding across the highway.
I spun around and smacked off of the guardrail on the driver's side of the car and then kept spinning back across the highway, into the (now) mud median and ended up coming to a stop pointing towards oncoming traffic but still in the median.
I was sooooo scared. Shit was flying everywhere. All I could think was, "where's my phone.. where's my phone. I have to call Al. Where is my god damn phone?" I found it, finally, in the door of my car. I called him and all I could say was "oh my god" aobut 50 times. He said that he was trying to get me to tell him what happened and to calm down, but I dont' remember any of this.
(trying to keep this short, but with me, that's impossible) I got out of the car in the pouring rain and checked to see the damage. The whole left rear section from right at the passenger's side door and back was all banged up. I had dirt and mud everywhere. I honestly, didn't think my car looked that bad and it still isn't that bad.
My next thought was, "am I going to be stuck in the mud?" So I turned the car back on and moved and thankfully I was not stuck. So I moved the car so at least I was pointing the right way on the side of the road.
And didn't you know that no one stopped!!! Ok.. well on car stopped but he was going in the opposite direction. I waived him off saying thank you,b ut I'm ok and like please don't get out of your car b/c it's pouring down rain.
I checked a 4 tires and they at least, were still inflated. So I went to drive off and my alignment was soooooo off. I drove for a few and then made it to the right shoulder.
(trying to make this short) I called All back, well I have been on the phone with him off and on and I did sit in my car for like 10 minutes to smoke 2 cigs and to calm down. I called him back to say that Iw as going to try to make it the 20 more miles to come get him. I limped my car, with flashers on going 40 mph the whole way. Took me forever. I just wanted to get to Al b/c he was like my salvation.
Got there, we parked my car, went to lunch and then Starbucks to use their wireless. Anyway... Al was amazing through all of this. He helped to calm me down. He got us a hotel room that night at the Mariott. We got pizza and a 6 pack and well, had sex like 6 times that night/morning and all of which were amazing.. except the last one, but no worries. He just wanted to take care of me to make sure that I was fine.
I got the car on a flatbed back home, which cost me $260 out of pocket. I called my sister, a_dubs, and she came to pick Al and I up after work. We got lunch and tried to get a rental car which was a pain so that's why I had my sister drive the hour to come and get me. Al and I spent all of Sunday at Barnes and Noble and I read "confessions of a video vixen" and it was good. Glad I didnt' have to buy teh book though.
So now, it's Wednesday afternoon and I"m still waiting on teh place to tell me the damage and how long it's going to take to fix my car. I'm going to the beach next week so I NEED a car. I'll have to rent one. I have to pay out of pocket, again, but the insurance company will reimburse me $25/day. So I'll end up paying like $7/day.
anyuway.. that's my accident. I should have rolled my car and I didn't. I should have hit someone and I didn't. I could have been hurt and I wasn't. It could have been way way way worse. Thank God.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
TMI Tuesday
1. Describe the perfect date for YOURSELF... what you would enjoy most.
I don't think that I have been on a date in the actual terms of it. Meeting someone and talking on the phone and then agreeing to meet up for a date. I have had wonderful "date like" dinners with both the ex, but mostly with Mr. Gore.
I would suppose a perfect date for me would be some type of outdoor activity. Say hiking, swimming or kayaking and then a lunch wherever we are. Lunch doesn't have to be anything special. It can just be some sub's from the local Italian place. Then maybe go home and shower and then meet up for dinner and drinks. If there are sparks and if I thought I liked him and vice versa, I'd say, go back to his place or mine to watch a movie and continue with the drinks.
2. Do you lean more toward being submissive or dominant?
Right now, I would say submissive. I haven't really had a whole lost of sexual experience. I do really enjoy having the control and I think if Al and I could figure out me on top better, then i would. I would taunt and tease until he begged for it.
I do enjoy that being done to me as well. Someone just fucking the shit out of me and me not having to worry about anything except enjoying the pleasure. That's for right now. Things will change in the future I'm sure.
3. What do you usually wear to bed?
Nothing. I don't like sleeping with clothes on b/c I hate how pants or shorts will ride up and my shirt will be over my head anyway. Even in the cold cold winter, it's nothing.
4. Have you ever seen a counselor?
I did briefly when I left the ex. Actually right before I left him. I had to. I needed help getting my thoughts together. I think that it was working and I did like her, but I just couldn't keep spending $25 every week.
5. Lights on or off?
Well I would say both. Mostly off and with the light of something casting interesting shadows across our bodies. With Mr. Gore it's the light of his computer monitor b/c we watch movies all the time.
I love sex in the daylight thought. Meaning windows open, not like outside. Although, I wouldn't mind doing it outside. Mr. Gore and I had sex outside the other weekend. Twice. Once in the day light in the hot hot sun. We worked up so much sweat that it was insane, but so hot. Then we had sex outside at night with the stars and the moonlight. This I didn't like as much b/c I was cold. I can't be cold during sex.
Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: Have you or a partner ever faked an orgasm?
I have no idea about a partner. For me.. ummm.. yeah. I hate to admit it to Mr. Gore and I won't b/c the sex with him is spectacular and I rarely ever find the need to fake it. Ok, hell, I'm totally lying now. Sex alone does not do it for me like 99% of the time. I'll need other stimulation. I'll bring in a small bullet to help me along. So far, Al is ok with that.
I don't think that I have been on a date in the actual terms of it. Meeting someone and talking on the phone and then agreeing to meet up for a date. I have had wonderful "date like" dinners with both the ex, but mostly with Mr. Gore.
I would suppose a perfect date for me would be some type of outdoor activity. Say hiking, swimming or kayaking and then a lunch wherever we are. Lunch doesn't have to be anything special. It can just be some sub's from the local Italian place. Then maybe go home and shower and then meet up for dinner and drinks. If there are sparks and if I thought I liked him and vice versa, I'd say, go back to his place or mine to watch a movie and continue with the drinks.
2. Do you lean more toward being submissive or dominant?
Right now, I would say submissive. I haven't really had a whole lost of sexual experience. I do really enjoy having the control and I think if Al and I could figure out me on top better, then i would. I would taunt and tease until he begged for it.
I do enjoy that being done to me as well. Someone just fucking the shit out of me and me not having to worry about anything except enjoying the pleasure. That's for right now. Things will change in the future I'm sure.
3. What do you usually wear to bed?
Nothing. I don't like sleeping with clothes on b/c I hate how pants or shorts will ride up and my shirt will be over my head anyway. Even in the cold cold winter, it's nothing.
4. Have you ever seen a counselor?
I did briefly when I left the ex. Actually right before I left him. I had to. I needed help getting my thoughts together. I think that it was working and I did like her, but I just couldn't keep spending $25 every week.
5. Lights on or off?
Well I would say both. Mostly off and with the light of something casting interesting shadows across our bodies. With Mr. Gore it's the light of his computer monitor b/c we watch movies all the time.
I love sex in the daylight thought. Meaning windows open, not like outside. Although, I wouldn't mind doing it outside. Mr. Gore and I had sex outside the other weekend. Twice. Once in the day light in the hot hot sun. We worked up so much sweat that it was insane, but so hot. Then we had sex outside at night with the stars and the moonlight. This I didn't like as much b/c I was cold. I can't be cold during sex.
Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: Have you or a partner ever faked an orgasm?
I have no idea about a partner. For me.. ummm.. yeah. I hate to admit it to Mr. Gore and I won't b/c the sex with him is spectacular and I rarely ever find the need to fake it. Ok, hell, I'm totally lying now. Sex alone does not do it for me like 99% of the time. I'll need other stimulation. I'll bring in a small bullet to help me along. So far, Al is ok with that.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Sad day at home
I am home by myself on Friday night and it's really boring. I don't like it. I don't like not having plans. I don't like not being busy. I'm sure that I could seriously find someone to do stuff with, but I just want to chill at home and do nothing. I just wish I had nothing to do with someone. Just to sit there and do nothing with someone. I mean people really undervalue that. Jason and I were able to do that, but not really well b/c we never liked the same things.
I want someone to do nothing with :-(
I'm not good doing nothing. I'm really not. I hate it.
I want someone to do nothing with :-(
I'm not good doing nothing. I'm really not. I hate it.
Things I want to say, but can't
I want to tell Al Gore all of the following...
I love you.
I want to be hanging out with your right now.
Going to get dinner.
Maybe a movie.
I want to cuddle.
I want to spoon.
Maybe take a walk around the city, hand in hand just enjoying each other's company.
I want you to want the same things.
I want to not have to drive to see you.
I want to be with you.
I want to feel your skin next to mine.
I want to devour your seriously beautiful so kissable lips.
I want you to feel my hot breath even a whisper on your ear.
I want to drown in your eyes.
I want to kiss your temples and feel your pulse.
I want to smell your masculine, amazing scent.
I want to strip you naked and massage the stress out of your shoulders, your neck and your back.
I want to be able drink in your sexiness.
I want to feel you.... period.
I want to just be there to watch you sleep and hear your snore! (even though it keeps me awake.)
I will keep this all to myself b/c I don't want to ruin whatever it is that we have.
I love you.
I want to be hanging out with your right now.
Going to get dinner.
Maybe a movie.
I want to cuddle.
I want to spoon.
Maybe take a walk around the city, hand in hand just enjoying each other's company.
I want you to want the same things.
I want to not have to drive to see you.
I want to be with you.
I want to feel your skin next to mine.
I want to devour your seriously beautiful so kissable lips.
I want you to feel my hot breath even a whisper on your ear.
I want to drown in your eyes.
I want to kiss your temples and feel your pulse.
I want to smell your masculine, amazing scent.
I want to strip you naked and massage the stress out of your shoulders, your neck and your back.
I want to be able drink in your sexiness.
I want to feel you.... period.
I want to just be there to watch you sleep and hear your snore! (even though it keeps me awake.)
I will keep this all to myself b/c I don't want to ruin whatever it is that we have.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
HNT
I'm going to see if i can actually upload this picture. I just took it and well, it's not at all half naked, but it's pretty cool looking. I took a bunch of other pictures, but well, I don't want anyone to see my face :-D
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
FWB vs Lova
My best friend gave me a $100 gift certificate to a beauty salon b/c i was complaining that my entire body was sore. Her ex bought it for her and she doesn't want anything to do with him so she gave it to me. I sent Al a text message saying that they have a "couples" message for $110 or $130 depending on what type it is. I sent a text saying, "don't get weird out" and this is what I got back, "stop prefacing!!! We're lovers - it'd be awesome!"
So now what's really crazy is we are now not FWB's but we are lovers? Is there a difference between the two? I mean in both, I don't have any rights to anything except to ask for sex.
Oh... let me post an e-mail that I wrote to him, his response, then my response, but like then he ignored my last e-mail.
ME:::::
Ok.. so I thought I'd drop you a quick line in what I expect from you. So that you aren't so potentially weirded out or maybe I'm just trying to prevent a freak out?
I want honesty. I want respect. I want to have fun with you. Not constantly, but i want to be able to keep doing things with you and trying random things and seeing random things. As in any friend, I want to be able to vent and not feel like a Todd. I want you to be able to tell me what i'm doing is prob not the best idea, but support me in what decision it is. Just normal things I expect and look for in a friend.
I will do the same for you.
I don't want more Al. i won't say sometime in the future that i won't, but meh, I'll cross that bridge when I get there and frankly, I have bigger things to worry about like trying to figure out what I want to do and when.
it is funny though, b/c I do have like 10 or so e-mails that I'll write and just save as a draft. But this one, I think I'll actually send. :-D
I just really don't want to lose your friendship.. seriously.. sex aside. I think that you are a great person and want to see where you are going to go and vice versa. I feel that I have some things to prove to some people and I do not want to be making $15/an hour when I'm 40. (which really isn't that far away...aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh).
What I really need right now is sleep.
Boo Ya!
HIM:::::::
Boo-fucking yah!
I am with you - I mean, I have internal dialogue with myself about settling down, no lie, and I like how we interact, but I also know I will hate myself if I settle down now. I may not want to settle down permanently, well, ever. But I enjoy our weekends and random days/times of just, well, almost marital bliss.
I appreciate your occasional reminders that you want nothing more from me than friendship. It helps me not freak - really.
I actually came to my email to tell you that my washcloth in the bathroom (the clean one) smells like your skin (I rubbed sweat from my face with it, slightly high, and BAM it smells like you).
You won't be making 15$/hr at 40, believe me. You -ARE- super smart; I don't think anyone ever told you of that potential in yourself and so it maybe freaks you out? I don't know - you are expert in your field, and that is something I can't even touch, knowing those sorts of details that you know about coverage and how the system works. It is an amazing skill, and you aren't at all compensated properly for it.
Anyway, the world and life come at you as they do, and you just take it as it comes - crossing bridges and all. Hehe, I write random drafts too, but mine are usually prefaced with "delete before sending" (just how I operate).
Uhm, you'll never lose my friendship. Seriously and honestly.
ME::::::
real quick like.. I do think it's funny that your idea of settling down is not fun.
I challenge that notion. I think "settling down" will be fun. I will settle down at some point, but I just think it's funny how our ideas are different on what it really means. I want to travel and I want to see places and do things and I don't want kids to hold me back or tie me down. I look at settling down as getting to chill and always be with your best friend and explore and do things with. I don't think it means that you have to be tied to someone, lock and key, never to go out with your friends or never to do stuff on your own. I think having friends and seeing them apart from your "mate" is key.
*** ok so for real... like I mean, read that..... Doesn't that seem like more then just a lover? Or is it just me? I'm kinda scared. I do love this man, but I love myself more and I am going to make changes in my life, for the better for me. Not for anyone else b/c it's clear to me that he has no intentions of changing his life, at all for me or bending at all for me.
I just need the strength to be w/o the awesome, spec-fucking-tacular sex that we do have. God.. the sweat, the sex, his eyes, his breath that he does when he's trying not to cum. It gets me wet just thinking about it. Seriously... Crazy.
-AM
So now what's really crazy is we are now not FWB's but we are lovers? Is there a difference between the two? I mean in both, I don't have any rights to anything except to ask for sex.
Oh... let me post an e-mail that I wrote to him, his response, then my response, but like then he ignored my last e-mail.
ME:::::
Ok.. so I thought I'd drop you a quick line in what I expect from you. So that you aren't so potentially weirded out or maybe I'm just trying to prevent a freak out?
I want honesty. I want respect. I want to have fun with you. Not constantly, but i want to be able to keep doing things with you and trying random things and seeing random things. As in any friend, I want to be able to vent and not feel like a Todd. I want you to be able to tell me what i'm doing is prob not the best idea, but support me in what decision it is. Just normal things I expect and look for in a friend.
I will do the same for you.
I don't want more Al. i won't say sometime in the future that i won't, but meh, I'll cross that bridge when I get there and frankly, I have bigger things to worry about like trying to figure out what I want to do and when.
it is funny though, b/c I do have like 10 or so e-mails that I'll write and just save as a draft. But this one, I think I'll actually send. :-D
I just really don't want to lose your friendship.. seriously.. sex aside. I think that you are a great person and want to see where you are going to go and vice versa. I feel that I have some things to prove to some people and I do not want to be making $15/an hour when I'm 40. (which really isn't that far away...aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh).
What I really need right now is sleep.
Boo Ya!
HIM:::::::
Boo-fucking yah!
I am with you - I mean, I have internal dialogue with myself about settling down, no lie, and I like how we interact, but I also know I will hate myself if I settle down now. I may not want to settle down permanently, well, ever. But I enjoy our weekends and random days/times of just, well, almost marital bliss.
I appreciate your occasional reminders that you want nothing more from me than friendship. It helps me not freak - really.
I actually came to my email to tell you that my washcloth in the bathroom (the clean one) smells like your skin (I rubbed sweat from my face with it, slightly high, and BAM it smells like you).
You won't be making 15$/hr at 40, believe me. You -ARE- super smart; I don't think anyone ever told you of that potential in yourself and so it maybe freaks you out? I don't know - you are expert in your field, and that is something I can't even touch, knowing those sorts of details that you know about coverage and how the system works. It is an amazing skill, and you aren't at all compensated properly for it.
Anyway, the world and life come at you as they do, and you just take it as it comes - crossing bridges and all. Hehe, I write random drafts too, but mine are usually prefaced with "delete before sending" (just how I operate).
Uhm, you'll never lose my friendship. Seriously and honestly.
ME::::::
real quick like.. I do think it's funny that your idea of settling down is not fun.
I challenge that notion. I think "settling down" will be fun. I will settle down at some point, but I just think it's funny how our ideas are different on what it really means. I want to travel and I want to see places and do things and I don't want kids to hold me back or tie me down. I look at settling down as getting to chill and always be with your best friend and explore and do things with. I don't think it means that you have to be tied to someone, lock and key, never to go out with your friends or never to do stuff on your own. I think having friends and seeing them apart from your "mate" is key.
*** ok so for real... like I mean, read that..... Doesn't that seem like more then just a lover? Or is it just me? I'm kinda scared. I do love this man, but I love myself more and I am going to make changes in my life, for the better for me. Not for anyone else b/c it's clear to me that he has no intentions of changing his life, at all for me or bending at all for me.
I just need the strength to be w/o the awesome, spec-fucking-tacular sex that we do have. God.. the sweat, the sex, his eyes, his breath that he does when he's trying not to cum. It gets me wet just thinking about it. Seriously... Crazy.
-AM
Dreaming of the Ex
I had a dream about the Ex last night. I don't really remember but there was something about a carnival and I know that he had like Hispanic chicks with him and I think he was there with one of them. Honestly, in my real life, I hope he does date someone and soon. However, in the dream, I felt that I felt something for him.
So weird. Can you have feelings for someone in your dreams but in reality, you don't have these feelings?
Meh
I have decided that I'm going to put me first from now on. I don't think that Al really is up to sacrificing anything for me. And not even sacrifice, but I don't know, give me a sign or something?
Grrrr....
So weird. Can you have feelings for someone in your dreams but in reality, you don't have these feelings?
Meh
I have decided that I'm going to put me first from now on. I don't think that Al really is up to sacrificing anything for me. And not even sacrifice, but I don't know, give me a sign or something?
Grrrr....
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Weekend with Al Gore
Ok.. so here's the deal. I was with Al all weekend and things were really good. We did talk a little bit on the way home about dating and if we are dating. He has basically told me that he can't date right now. That he just doesn't know what people want from him and he gets all freaked out. So do I send him an e-mail about what I expect from him? It would be really short. I expect honesty and respect. I expect some kind of affection. I want to tell him that eventually, down the road, I am going to want a relationship with someone and if he can offer that to me, then awesome b/c we are just great together. If not, bummer, but that's ok. Life does go on.
I'm just so confused. I really should go back to school for radiology or I should take a gamble and become someone's admin assistant/personal assistant. I would make a killer assistant. I really would. I am hyper anal in making sure things are organized. I am very crafty and able to solve problems using both conventional and unconventional methods and using some sources that others may not know about. I have a vast array of knowledge at my fingertips with the internet.
I digress, Al... Ok.. I could go to school and get myself on track for an actual career. Something that i could be proud of. Not this Health Insurance Bull Shit.
I could move to philly. I have a couple of friends there and my family. I could move somewhere with my friend Kins. However, that's another story. I could move by myself somewhere, but I'm just scared. I don't think I could do it. Or I could try to move to the city that Al's n.
I KNOW that it's a bad idea. I just have these bad vibes and I need to listen to my gut. It sucks ass. It totally sucks. I just don't know what to do. There isn't like there is a manual for this shit. I n eed to do stuff on my own. I really do. I just don't know. I just don't know and I know I'm repeating that, but seriously.. I have no idea.
I don't have any hobbies. There is nothing that I really like to do. I need to figure that out. I need to figure out who I am. I have this amazing opportunity to do what I want, with whom i want, when I want and I don't want to throw it away. On that flip side, I don't want to throw away my friendship I have with Al.
Then again, I mean, if we really do have some connection then he'd be cool with me doing whatever wherever and we'd figure it out.
It's just weird. This whole situation is weird. I dont' like it. I am used to knowing what's going on. However, it's exciting and I like that.
Anyway.. off to bed. Good night party people!!
-AM
I'm just so confused. I really should go back to school for radiology or I should take a gamble and become someone's admin assistant/personal assistant. I would make a killer assistant. I really would. I am hyper anal in making sure things are organized. I am very crafty and able to solve problems using both conventional and unconventional methods and using some sources that others may not know about. I have a vast array of knowledge at my fingertips with the internet.
I digress, Al... Ok.. I could go to school and get myself on track for an actual career. Something that i could be proud of. Not this Health Insurance Bull Shit.
I could move to philly. I have a couple of friends there and my family. I could move somewhere with my friend Kins. However, that's another story. I could move by myself somewhere, but I'm just scared. I don't think I could do it. Or I could try to move to the city that Al's n.
I KNOW that it's a bad idea. I just have these bad vibes and I need to listen to my gut. It sucks ass. It totally sucks. I just don't know what to do. There isn't like there is a manual for this shit. I n eed to do stuff on my own. I really do. I just don't know. I just don't know and I know I'm repeating that, but seriously.. I have no idea.
I don't have any hobbies. There is nothing that I really like to do. I need to figure that out. I need to figure out who I am. I have this amazing opportunity to do what I want, with whom i want, when I want and I don't want to throw it away. On that flip side, I don't want to throw away my friendship I have with Al.
Then again, I mean, if we really do have some connection then he'd be cool with me doing whatever wherever and we'd figure it out.
It's just weird. This whole situation is weird. I dont' like it. I am used to knowing what's going on. However, it's exciting and I like that.
Anyway.. off to bed. Good night party people!!
-AM
TMI Tuesday!
1. When was the last time someone hit on you? What went down?
I am not entirely sure. I think that people may hit on me and I just have no clue. I am pretty unaware of when people check me out or hit on me. I will talk about L-Dub though. This guy was a friend of my work friend, Ken. My sister and I went out and ran into Ken and L-dubs and hung otu with them for a few. Went back to ken's house and smoked and there, L-dubs showed me pictures of himself shirtless and then, the crowning picture... his dick on his cell phone. I mean who does that? Ugg.. well anyway, he was sweating me really hard, but he was really hot. Really really hot. So I wasn't buying any of his bull shit.
2. If you were single and could be with any one person, who would it be (thinking singer/actor or someone famous here, but whatever)?
For a while, I had this huge crush on Henry Rollins. He was bad ass. Tattooed out and seemed like he would just throw me around and well, fuck me. But he also seems really funny and seems like he would be a good guy to hang out with.
3. Have you ever had done anything sexual in your office or your place of employment?
Honestly, no. I would never do anything here. This is going to sound like office gossip, but it's not. This one chick here gave this other dude here, head in in the mail room. She blabbed her mouth about it and then everyone heard about it. She tried to deny it, but I mean, when you heard the words from her own mouth, that means it's not bullshit.
I have offered to blow Al Gore while he's on a work call. That hasn't happened yet.
4. Do you apologize when you make a mistake? How do you react when someone calls you out?
I find it very had to admit when I am wrong. When I do, I sometimes, half ass the apology. I love hearing "you are right" or "you were right." It's such a turn on to me.
On the flip side, if it's someone that I really think knows their shit and has it all together and they call me out, even if I swear I am right, I'll still apologize.
5. Top or bottom?
Well, both please. But I guess for me, bottom over top. I just really like being fucked hard. (but that has to be intermixed with nice, passionate sex too.) I like being on top for the control, however, I'm just not quite good at it yet. I have to work out my thigh muscles better in order to really work it for Al Gore and well, any future lovas!
Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: How old were you when you first had a willing sexual experience?
I had sex for the first time when I was 15. It was my first boyfriend who was 18 at the time. You know how I got him to have sex with me? Ooooh it's a great line. We were in Florida vacationing with his family. I was sleeping upstairs and he was downstairs. I went down to him and said, "I can't sleep, but I know what would help put me to sleep." And with that, we had sex.
I am not entirely sure. I think that people may hit on me and I just have no clue. I am pretty unaware of when people check me out or hit on me. I will talk about L-Dub though. This guy was a friend of my work friend, Ken. My sister and I went out and ran into Ken and L-dubs and hung otu with them for a few. Went back to ken's house and smoked and there, L-dubs showed me pictures of himself shirtless and then, the crowning picture... his dick on his cell phone. I mean who does that? Ugg.. well anyway, he was sweating me really hard, but he was really hot. Really really hot. So I wasn't buying any of his bull shit.
2. If you were single and could be with any one person, who would it be (thinking singer/actor or someone famous here, but whatever)?
For a while, I had this huge crush on Henry Rollins. He was bad ass. Tattooed out and seemed like he would just throw me around and well, fuck me. But he also seems really funny and seems like he would be a good guy to hang out with.
3. Have you ever had done anything sexual in your office or your place of employment?
Honestly, no. I would never do anything here. This is going to sound like office gossip, but it's not. This one chick here gave this other dude here, head in in the mail room. She blabbed her mouth about it and then everyone heard about it. She tried to deny it, but I mean, when you heard the words from her own mouth, that means it's not bullshit.
I have offered to blow Al Gore while he's on a work call. That hasn't happened yet.
4. Do you apologize when you make a mistake? How do you react when someone calls you out?
I find it very had to admit when I am wrong. When I do, I sometimes, half ass the apology. I love hearing "you are right" or "you were right." It's such a turn on to me.
On the flip side, if it's someone that I really think knows their shit and has it all together and they call me out, even if I swear I am right, I'll still apologize.
5. Top or bottom?
Well, both please. But I guess for me, bottom over top. I just really like being fucked hard. (but that has to be intermixed with nice, passionate sex too.) I like being on top for the control, however, I'm just not quite good at it yet. I have to work out my thigh muscles better in order to really work it for Al Gore and well, any future lovas!
Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: How old were you when you first had a willing sexual experience?
I had sex for the first time when I was 15. It was my first boyfriend who was 18 at the time. You know how I got him to have sex with me? Ooooh it's a great line. We were in Florida vacationing with his family. I was sleeping upstairs and he was downstairs. I went down to him and said, "I can't sleep, but I know what would help put me to sleep." And with that, we had sex.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Weekend thus far
I don't have time to express what a great, chill weekend this has been, but I'm sure I'll have "time" at work to get it done tomorrow. All I know is that Al Gore is here and sitting next to me and we seriously have spectacular sex together. It's like this ingrained chemical thing. We don't have bad sex.
I do want to come back to this later. I see this thing with Al Gore and I not working out. Or well, really going one of two ways and both involve us not being friends and things just going to shit.
Anyway, gatta go to the book store and we are going to go look at tv's for him
Chow
I do want to come back to this later. I see this thing with Al Gore and I not working out. Or well, really going one of two ways and both involve us not being friends and things just going to shit.
Anyway, gatta go to the book store and we are going to go look at tv's for him
Chow
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