1. Last week was "The Most Wonderful time of the Year", but what are your favorite 2008 memories?
I did a lot this past year. I left a bad marriage and I met someone wonderful. That person and I did a lot of things too. We saw a ton of concerts. I love live music and I miss seeing all of the live shows when I was at Penn State. I was able to go to my parent's boat a lot more which was very relaxing. I went to the beach for an entire week with friends. I haven't done that in years. Prob. senior week was the last time I did that and that was in 1996. I got to spend more time with my nieces and my nephew and more time with my family in general. This past year was about me. What I wanted to do I did it as long as I was having fun.
2. What is the best thing you learned in 2008?
That I am worth something. That I am beautiful. That I am important. That I do deserve more. I went through the gamete of emotions this year. Really low lows where I would just cry all day or cry at the drop of a hat just randomly. Then I had some really great moments (see above).
I have also learned some things about dating as I have never really done it before. I learned how "things" work and how to be about someone without smothering them. That was a hard one to learn and figure out. I am the type of person that will let you know my feelings up front and it's hard to hold those feelings back when those emotions are very strong.
3. On a scale of 1-10, how good was your 2008?
I would say about a 7. I can always improve. There were a lot of rough times, but all in all, even with this shitty economy, it went really well.
4. What is your wish for 2009? What is your wish for someone else for 2009?
My wish for myself is to find my self worth. I want to continue to be happy in life and I want to continue working on myself. There are always bad habits that could be changed.
My wish for others? That this bad economy will turn around. That we will let the free market work itself out and new and creative things, ideas and products will come out of it. I wish happiness for all those I know and like. I wish dreadful things on a few people, but honestly, they have it coming.
5. Where was the first place you ever passionately kissed?
People remember this? It would have to be my first boyfriend, but really, I have no idea. I was 15 and that was 15 years ago.. almost 16. Yes I am old.
Bonus (as in optional):Do you make New Year's resolutions? What is/are yours for 2009?
I used to when I was younger and more naive. When I thought that I would actually change just because it was the first of the year. To me, it's kind of crappy when other's fulfill their New Year's Resolutions by going to the gym. My gym becomes a mad house for a couple of months and then, sure enough, people stop going.
I tend to want to fix things with myself when I feel that they have become an issue. It seems, as of late, that my body is falling apart so I would really like to start pilates or yoga. I am so tall and I am slouching all the time that I think both or either of those would help me.
2008 was a rough year for me. It was a growing year. I left a marriage where I was with this person for 13 years. IT was a death of all those dreams I had for us and for me. Honestly though, that "death" was a very slow, painful death that spread over years. I was just finally strong enough, in 2008, to decide to leave. It was only with the help of one amazing person that showed me that I deserved more.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Now you know and 99 other things you didn't need to know about me
1.) I love all kinds of music including rap, r&b, hip hop, country, rock, jazz, classical. I just can't get into heavy metal.
2.) I am addicted to Turkey Hill Diet Green Tea with Mango. Love that stuff.
3.) I used to be hugely attracted to black men. If he was tall and black, then I was all about him.
4.) When I see a guy with long hair I think they are stuck in the 80's and think they are gross looking.
5.) Men with muscular arms and chests make me hot. I love it. That is my favorite part of a man's body. I love his shoulders, his chest, his arms, his back. mmmmm.. nommy
6.) My biggest pet peeve in the world is people that think they know everything and try to talk down to me. Hmmm.. or just people that can't drive. Like, come on. The speed limit is 65. You shouldn't be doing 65 in the fast lane. It's just wrong.
7.) I never was into sports on tv except.... cheerleading! If there is a competition on ESPN (the ocho) I can't help but watch it. It's amazing to me. I love it. Also, I love watching syncronized swimming when it's ever on. It is also amazing.
8.) I didn’t become a fan of football until 1999 when I became a Penn State student. Now, I watch them every weekend they are on and I can't wait to see the Rose bowl this year and to see them play USC and kick their asses!
9.) I used to be into the NFL b/c I used to run a football ticket. Now, I don't really care.
10.) This year, for the first time, I did what I wanted when I wanted with whom I wanted and I didn't give a fuck if anyone cared.
11.) It was freeing and amazing and I wouldn't change a thing.
12.) I wrote a descriptive story about an old car my parents had that we nicknamed "the Maroon Maurader."
13.) I wrote it in 7th grade and it's still used as an example of how to write.
14.) My mom is certified to teach English she she helped. My spelling has always been awful.
15.) I only got a 990 on my SAT's.
16.) I think I'm kind of stupid. I don't think that I am naturally smart. I just think that I worked hard in school.
17.) I cheated on a test for the first time in 3rd grade.
18.) I cheated to pass a multiplication test. We had to take it every week until we got 100% on it.
19.) There was a huge stigma attached to not being able to pass it. I felt stupid and I felt that everyone thought I was stupid so I cheated and passed!
20.) I became an excellent cheater in school.
21.) I had my first "boyfriend" in 5th grade.
22.) He asked me out with "will you go out with me? yes or no " I wish I still had that note.
23.) I have only seen one Star Wars film. I have never seen any Lord of the Rings movies. I have never seen any Godfather movies.
24.) I am addicted to reality tv.
25.) I’ve watched all 17 seasons of Survivor.
26.) If it's a reality tv show and I think it's stupid, then you know it's really dumb.
27.) I love HBO. I was addicted to The Sopranos, Curb your Enthusiasm, Entourage, Big love and Flight of the Concords.
28.) I also love Nip Tuck on the FX channel. Awesome show.
29.) I was always a casual smoker. I could smoke one or two and then not do it again for months.
30.) I started smoking every day sometime in January when I left my husband. It was a stress reliever and a way for me just to take a breath and to breathe.
31.) I worry that now I won't be able to stop.
32.) I worry that I don't even really want to stop right now.
33.) I smoked weed for the first time in High School, but didn't really get high.
34.) I got high for the first time in college. I remember it was Christmas time and to explain to people what I was seeing/feeling, I said, "the christmas tree just jumped into the tv."
35.) I loved Acid. I loved extasay.
36.) I tried coke, but just a number where you put it on your gums.
37.) I liked that a lot too. I vowed not to do it again b/c I was liking it too much.
38.) I cry at anything. I cry when I"m happy, but mostly when I get really angry.
39.) My feelings get hurt a lot. Thus I cry. I wish i could stop but I can't.
40.) I used to have an awful temper. I think that when I cry when I'm angry, it's just me displacing anger in another form.
41.) I have always been skinny.
42.) I bought this outfit at some really big store in NYC on a trip there and it was shorts and a shirt. I bought yellow tights to wear under the shorts and when i wore the outfit that I paid so much money for and was so proud of, in the mall, 2 teenagers called my "chicken legs." I never wore it again.
43.) I have always done well in sports.
44.) I was a really really good swimmer.
45.) I made it to states my senior year in high school and so far, something that happened then, has been my only regret in life.
46.) Our coach changed the line up 30 mins before we were to race in our relay. It totally messed everything up. I wish I had told him, "no" and stuck by it.
47.) I would one day, like to coach swimming.
48.) My (soon to be ex) husband and I have known each other since first grade.
49.) We started dating when he was my best friend's prom date. That night we drank and slept on the couch together. That was all she wrote for the next 13 years.
50.) I say I will never get married again, but I think, I do want a wedding. A wedding that doesn't take place on superbowl at a friends house.
51.) I do not want children.
52.) I hate people that tell me that "oh one day you will change your mind."
53.) I have never wanted to live here. (the place I grew up)
54.) Yet I am still here.
55.) I want to move. I want to move out west maybe. Maybe some place warm.
56.) I don’t think I am strong enough to move by myself somewhere.
57.) I am a certified SCUBA diver.
58.) I won the 1996 Harrisburg Area Outstanding Home Economics Student of the year.
59.) I got a check for $20 from it.
60.) I don't eat seafood.
61.) I will go with people if they want to eat seafood, but really, the smell of it makes me want to throw up.
62.) I hate people that tell me that "oh you will like it if you try..."
63.) I don't like it. I have tried it. I hate it. Please leave me alone about it.
64.) I want to be a pin-up girl.
65.) I think pin up girls are amazing and beautiful.
66.) I feel that I have never had my own style. That I just copy from other people.
67.) I think I blend in. I don't stand out. I am boring.
68.) I don't have any hobbies.
69.) See.. i am boring. I told you so.
70.) I don't really read for fun. I wish I did.
71.) I think college ruined my love of reading.
72.) I am a registered republican.
73.) I voted for Obama.
74.) I voted for Bush.... twice.
75.) I really think Bush is an asshole now and he has fucked us all.
76.) I really don't like my job.
77.) I think I am better then this job.
78.) I wish someone would just believe in me and see the amazing potential I have to offer.
79.) I wish I could believe in me.
80.) I LOVE roller coasters.
81.) I dread the day that I am "too old" to ride them.
82.) I LOVE the beach and all things water.
83.) Water calms me down. Baths lift my spirits.
84.) If I could do anything, i would be a dive instructor in the Caribbean and take tourists on dives.
85.) I think my parents are amazing for raising me to be normal. Also for showing me how to act in all situations from dive bars to 5 star restaurants.
86.) We took a trip to Washington DC when I was little and we took a taxi there. I wanted to be a taxi driver after that. I think I was 7.
87.) I sometimes think I want a child. I want one so I can raise one to be a healthy member of society and to tell people to fuck off b/c it's not that hard.
88.) I am now terrified of driving in the rain.
89.) I wish I would have made more of my time in college.
90.) I wish I would have "dated" other people then. I wish I would have gotten out to socialize more.
91.) I hate my curly hair growing up.
92.) I think it is amazing now and wouldn't want any other type of hair.
93.) I wish i could change my chin. Just actually do a chin implant, but keep the dimple in my ching.
94.) I think my eyes are different sizes and that makes me look retarded/high/drunk in all pictures.
95.) I have wanted a Celtic cross tattoo on my back since I was 16.
96. I love all things Irish.
97) I want to travel the world. I want to see so many places.
98) I wish I had a job that I traveled. I would love it. I have no children and no ties here, so why not?
99) I am in love with someone that I don't think loves me the way that I need to be loved.
100.) I had sex with a black man. IT was ok. It wasn't all that it's cracked up to be. He had an amazing body. So muscular. So ripped. I could have kissed that and ran my hands over his body all... day... long.
2.) I am addicted to Turkey Hill Diet Green Tea with Mango. Love that stuff.
3.) I used to be hugely attracted to black men. If he was tall and black, then I was all about him.
4.) When I see a guy with long hair I think they are stuck in the 80's and think they are gross looking.
5.) Men with muscular arms and chests make me hot. I love it. That is my favorite part of a man's body. I love his shoulders, his chest, his arms, his back. mmmmm.. nommy
6.) My biggest pet peeve in the world is people that think they know everything and try to talk down to me. Hmmm.. or just people that can't drive. Like, come on. The speed limit is 65. You shouldn't be doing 65 in the fast lane. It's just wrong.
7.) I never was into sports on tv except.... cheerleading! If there is a competition on ESPN (the ocho) I can't help but watch it. It's amazing to me. I love it. Also, I love watching syncronized swimming when it's ever on. It is also amazing.
8.) I didn’t become a fan of football until 1999 when I became a Penn State student. Now, I watch them every weekend they are on and I can't wait to see the Rose bowl this year and to see them play USC and kick their asses!
9.) I used to be into the NFL b/c I used to run a football ticket. Now, I don't really care.
10.) This year, for the first time, I did what I wanted when I wanted with whom I wanted and I didn't give a fuck if anyone cared.
11.) It was freeing and amazing and I wouldn't change a thing.
12.) I wrote a descriptive story about an old car my parents had that we nicknamed "the Maroon Maurader."
13.) I wrote it in 7th grade and it's still used as an example of how to write.
14.) My mom is certified to teach English she she helped. My spelling has always been awful.
15.) I only got a 990 on my SAT's.
16.) I think I'm kind of stupid. I don't think that I am naturally smart. I just think that I worked hard in school.
17.) I cheated on a test for the first time in 3rd grade.
18.) I cheated to pass a multiplication test. We had to take it every week until we got 100% on it.
19.) There was a huge stigma attached to not being able to pass it. I felt stupid and I felt that everyone thought I was stupid so I cheated and passed!
20.) I became an excellent cheater in school.
21.) I had my first "boyfriend" in 5th grade.
22.) He asked me out with "will you go out with me? yes or no " I wish I still had that note.
23.) I have only seen one Star Wars film. I have never seen any Lord of the Rings movies. I have never seen any Godfather movies.
24.) I am addicted to reality tv.
25.) I’ve watched all 17 seasons of Survivor.
26.) If it's a reality tv show and I think it's stupid, then you know it's really dumb.
27.) I love HBO. I was addicted to The Sopranos, Curb your Enthusiasm, Entourage, Big love and Flight of the Concords.
28.) I also love Nip Tuck on the FX channel. Awesome show.
29.) I was always a casual smoker. I could smoke one or two and then not do it again for months.
30.) I started smoking every day sometime in January when I left my husband. It was a stress reliever and a way for me just to take a breath and to breathe.
31.) I worry that now I won't be able to stop.
32.) I worry that I don't even really want to stop right now.
33.) I smoked weed for the first time in High School, but didn't really get high.
34.) I got high for the first time in college. I remember it was Christmas time and to explain to people what I was seeing/feeling, I said, "the christmas tree just jumped into the tv."
35.) I loved Acid. I loved extasay.
36.) I tried coke, but just a number where you put it on your gums.
37.) I liked that a lot too. I vowed not to do it again b/c I was liking it too much.
38.) I cry at anything. I cry when I"m happy, but mostly when I get really angry.
39.) My feelings get hurt a lot. Thus I cry. I wish i could stop but I can't.
40.) I used to have an awful temper. I think that when I cry when I'm angry, it's just me displacing anger in another form.
41.) I have always been skinny.
42.) I bought this outfit at some really big store in NYC on a trip there and it was shorts and a shirt. I bought yellow tights to wear under the shorts and when i wore the outfit that I paid so much money for and was so proud of, in the mall, 2 teenagers called my "chicken legs." I never wore it again.
43.) I have always done well in sports.
44.) I was a really really good swimmer.
45.) I made it to states my senior year in high school and so far, something that happened then, has been my only regret in life.
46.) Our coach changed the line up 30 mins before we were to race in our relay. It totally messed everything up. I wish I had told him, "no" and stuck by it.
47.) I would one day, like to coach swimming.
48.) My (soon to be ex) husband and I have known each other since first grade.
49.) We started dating when he was my best friend's prom date. That night we drank and slept on the couch together. That was all she wrote for the next 13 years.
50.) I say I will never get married again, but I think, I do want a wedding. A wedding that doesn't take place on superbowl at a friends house.
51.) I do not want children.
52.) I hate people that tell me that "oh one day you will change your mind."
53.) I have never wanted to live here. (the place I grew up)
54.) Yet I am still here.
55.) I want to move. I want to move out west maybe. Maybe some place warm.
56.) I don’t think I am strong enough to move by myself somewhere.
57.) I am a certified SCUBA diver.
58.) I won the 1996 Harrisburg Area Outstanding Home Economics Student of the year.
59.) I got a check for $20 from it.
60.) I don't eat seafood.
61.) I will go with people if they want to eat seafood, but really, the smell of it makes me want to throw up.
62.) I hate people that tell me that "oh you will like it if you try..."
63.) I don't like it. I have tried it. I hate it. Please leave me alone about it.
64.) I want to be a pin-up girl.
65.) I think pin up girls are amazing and beautiful.
66.) I feel that I have never had my own style. That I just copy from other people.
67.) I think I blend in. I don't stand out. I am boring.
68.) I don't have any hobbies.
69.) See.. i am boring. I told you so.
70.) I don't really read for fun. I wish I did.
71.) I think college ruined my love of reading.
72.) I am a registered republican.
73.) I voted for Obama.
74.) I voted for Bush.... twice.
75.) I really think Bush is an asshole now and he has fucked us all.
76.) I really don't like my job.
77.) I think I am better then this job.
78.) I wish someone would just believe in me and see the amazing potential I have to offer.
79.) I wish I could believe in me.
80.) I LOVE roller coasters.
81.) I dread the day that I am "too old" to ride them.
82.) I LOVE the beach and all things water.
83.) Water calms me down. Baths lift my spirits.
84.) If I could do anything, i would be a dive instructor in the Caribbean and take tourists on dives.
85.) I think my parents are amazing for raising me to be normal. Also for showing me how to act in all situations from dive bars to 5 star restaurants.
86.) We took a trip to Washington DC when I was little and we took a taxi there. I wanted to be a taxi driver after that. I think I was 7.
87.) I sometimes think I want a child. I want one so I can raise one to be a healthy member of society and to tell people to fuck off b/c it's not that hard.
88.) I am now terrified of driving in the rain.
89.) I wish I would have made more of my time in college.
90.) I wish I would have "dated" other people then. I wish I would have gotten out to socialize more.
91.) I hate my curly hair growing up.
92.) I think it is amazing now and wouldn't want any other type of hair.
93.) I wish i could change my chin. Just actually do a chin implant, but keep the dimple in my ching.
94.) I think my eyes are different sizes and that makes me look retarded/high/drunk in all pictures.
95.) I have wanted a Celtic cross tattoo on my back since I was 16.
96. I love all things Irish.
97) I want to travel the world. I want to see so many places.
98) I wish I had a job that I traveled. I would love it. I have no children and no ties here, so why not?
99) I am in love with someone that I don't think loves me the way that I need to be loved.
100.) I had sex with a black man. IT was ok. It wasn't all that it's cracked up to be. He had an amazing body. So muscular. So ripped. I could have kissed that and ran my hands over his body all... day... long.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Christmas meme
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
It's almost always wrapping paper. There is something cooler about the sound of the paper opening. I try to use really pretty paper with pretty bows and stuff. If the item is really very odd shaped then I do use bags. I think they server a purpose though. The gift bag. Great idea.
2. Real tree or Artificial?
As I am living at home.. again.... it's a real tree and I love it. My parent's still use ornaments that we made when we were in elementary school. There is one from my oldest sister who is now 35 from when she was in pre-school or kindergarten. It's crazy. When I was living in my own home it was a fake tree. Just a little like 3' deal b/c of the dogs. I think they would have tried to eat it.
3. When do you put up the tree?
when I feel like it really. I think jumping to do it the day after Thanksgiving is a bit overboard. I never really had a set day.
4. When do you take the tree down?
Again, whenever I feel like it. I don't have a set day to do it.
5. Do you like eggnog?
Hellllll no. I think it looks gross. Plus I'm lactose intolerant so why even bother?
6. Favorite gift received as a child?
Wow.. so many to pick from. Prob a Barbie doll. No wait. We had these things called fashion plates. They were awesome! They had plates with different patterns of clothing and shoes and hair styles. So you'd have 3 pieces to make a woman. Then you'd use a black crayon and slide it over top of the plates and it would make an outline that you could then color in. My sister's and I and friends (3 girls) actually made a magazine using those fashion plates. Yeah, we were that cool.
Also my little ponies. We LOVED them.
It's almost always wrapping paper. There is something cooler about the sound of the paper opening. I try to use really pretty paper with pretty bows and stuff. If the item is really very odd shaped then I do use bags. I think they server a purpose though. The gift bag. Great idea.
2. Real tree or Artificial?
As I am living at home.. again.... it's a real tree and I love it. My parent's still use ornaments that we made when we were in elementary school. There is one from my oldest sister who is now 35 from when she was in pre-school or kindergarten. It's crazy. When I was living in my own home it was a fake tree. Just a little like 3' deal b/c of the dogs. I think they would have tried to eat it.
3. When do you put up the tree?
when I feel like it really. I think jumping to do it the day after Thanksgiving is a bit overboard. I never really had a set day.
4. When do you take the tree down?
Again, whenever I feel like it. I don't have a set day to do it.
5. Do you like eggnog?
Hellllll no. I think it looks gross. Plus I'm lactose intolerant so why even bother?
6. Favorite gift received as a child?
Wow.. so many to pick from. Prob a Barbie doll. No wait. We had these things called fashion plates. They were awesome! They had plates with different patterns of clothing and shoes and hair styles. So you'd have 3 pieces to make a woman. Then you'd use a black crayon and slide it over top of the plates and it would make an outline that you could then color in. My sister's and I and friends (3 girls) actually made a magazine using those fashion plates. Yeah, we were that cool.
Also my little ponies. We LOVED them.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Rain falling down / is it worth it
Is anything worth it? I mean really. I had an accident in the pouring rain and I am terrified of driving in the rain. I drive a highway where there are tons of trucks every day. It is interstate 81 in PA. It is insane for truck traffic. Was it worth it for me to want to get to Al gore quicker and to be driving in the rain that I did, thus causing my accident? I did not nor do I not ever blame him for my accident. However, that being said, it happened and it was awful. But was it worth it?
I sit here, in my room making CD's so that I can listen to them in the car ride down to see him this weekend. Is it worth it? What I sacrifice.. is it worth what i gain? At some point in the future he will leave me. To that i am positive. So is it worth my time and effort now when I know it will end? Even if he doesn't leave me, everything always comes to an end. I mean relationship wise.
It is scary to put your trust into someone. It is also equally as scary when you don't love yourself enough and you want to be with someone that makes you feel good so you settle. Will it be worth it?
Is it worth it?
Is it worth my cries of pain?
Is it worth the sacrifice of myself that I give you?
Is it worth it?
Is any of it worth it?
When you leave me, will this all be worth it?
What have I learned?
Will I take what I have learned with me?
Will I blame you?
Is it worth it?
I sit here, in my room making CD's so that I can listen to them in the car ride down to see him this weekend. Is it worth it? What I sacrifice.. is it worth what i gain? At some point in the future he will leave me. To that i am positive. So is it worth my time and effort now when I know it will end? Even if he doesn't leave me, everything always comes to an end. I mean relationship wise.
It is scary to put your trust into someone. It is also equally as scary when you don't love yourself enough and you want to be with someone that makes you feel good so you settle. Will it be worth it?
Is it worth it?
Is it worth my cries of pain?
Is it worth the sacrifice of myself that I give you?
Is it worth it?
Is any of it worth it?
When you leave me, will this all be worth it?
What have I learned?
Will I take what I have learned with me?
Will I blame you?
Is it worth it?
What do I bring?
I was thinking, last night, about Al Gore and I's "relationship." This man has definitely changed me. He has opened my eyes to a few things. My ex was military so obviously we were both very conservative. Country first you know? We weren't really religious so we couldn't say God then Country then Self. We both voted for Bush, both times. Yeah I know.. I know. The people that we were friends with all thought the same way that we did.
Now, knowing Al has helped me look at politics from both sides. I read all kinds of information online. I read both sides. I don't just listen to talk radio all day monday - friday. I was able to research both McCain and Obama and although, one of the main things I disagree with is Universal Health care, I voted for Obama.
He showed me google and gmail. Yes I used google before, but I never really used it. I love the reader feature. I think it's fantastic.
He has showed me that I really do need an iphone and that I really will love it. Which, now I do. I didn't think I needed a phone that could do so much, but now that I have it, I love it. It's a phone, mp3 player and entertainment, and web access all in one. Man how technology is amazing.
However, this made me think. What has Al taken from me? What has he learned from me? I don't really know if there is an answer. Can one really place any stock in that? I mean, just because maybe he hasn't taken quite as much as I have, doesn't mean that he hasn't grown from me and learned.
What if I bring something different to the table that he has not had before? god I really hope so b/c if not, then I"m way out the door. No really, I mean, he has to be taking from me something that he has not been able to get from others, but what is that? I really wish I knew.
I think if I did know, that I would feel better about it. I already feel way "under staffed" when it comes to intelligence. This man is just so smart and I love that. If I could only know why he likes me, maybe it would make me feel better about myself. I don't think that I am hard to love and appreciate, I just don't know what he sees in me. I mean, if I"m not that smart and he's not gaining anything from me, then what options am I left with?
Is it really that the sex is that great that he stays? He said last night, via IM, when talking about how he was fed and happy and ready to blaze and all he needed was me. I responded, "well what if all I need is you? Who wins?" or something lame like that. He said, then why is it that we live so far apart? Well because I'm scared. I'm scared that one of these days you are just going to realize that I'm not really all that.
Ok.. trust me. I don't have that low of an attitude about myself. I think I am great. I just think that he is awesome and needs stimulation on an intelectual level which I don't know if he can get from me. Thus he will seek it out from someone else and then, bam... i'm gone and broken hearted.
Now, knowing Al has helped me look at politics from both sides. I read all kinds of information online. I read both sides. I don't just listen to talk radio all day monday - friday. I was able to research both McCain and Obama and although, one of the main things I disagree with is Universal Health care, I voted for Obama.
He showed me google and gmail. Yes I used google before, but I never really used it. I love the reader feature. I think it's fantastic.
He has showed me that I really do need an iphone and that I really will love it. Which, now I do. I didn't think I needed a phone that could do so much, but now that I have it, I love it. It's a phone, mp3 player and entertainment, and web access all in one. Man how technology is amazing.
However, this made me think. What has Al taken from me? What has he learned from me? I don't really know if there is an answer. Can one really place any stock in that? I mean, just because maybe he hasn't taken quite as much as I have, doesn't mean that he hasn't grown from me and learned.
What if I bring something different to the table that he has not had before? god I really hope so b/c if not, then I"m way out the door. No really, I mean, he has to be taking from me something that he has not been able to get from others, but what is that? I really wish I knew.
I think if I did know, that I would feel better about it. I already feel way "under staffed" when it comes to intelligence. This man is just so smart and I love that. If I could only know why he likes me, maybe it would make me feel better about myself. I don't think that I am hard to love and appreciate, I just don't know what he sees in me. I mean, if I"m not that smart and he's not gaining anything from me, then what options am I left with?
Is it really that the sex is that great that he stays? He said last night, via IM, when talking about how he was fed and happy and ready to blaze and all he needed was me. I responded, "well what if all I need is you? Who wins?" or something lame like that. He said, then why is it that we live so far apart? Well because I'm scared. I'm scared that one of these days you are just going to realize that I'm not really all that.
Ok.. trust me. I don't have that low of an attitude about myself. I think I am great. I just think that he is awesome and needs stimulation on an intelectual level which I don't know if he can get from me. Thus he will seek it out from someone else and then, bam... i'm gone and broken hearted.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Dead End
I work a dead end job. I am one of those people that you see on tv. "one day I realized that i wanted more out of my life so I called (insert any trade school here)." I work for a company that does contract work for the Health Insurance claims. We do mailings to enrollment to claims processing to phone work. It really isn't fun. I don't learn anything new, I don't do anything new and I feel that I am not really helping anyone. I don't think that you are allowed to sympathize with me unless you are in another similar job. I know a lot of people and I'd say, honestly 1/2 are happy with their jobs. Most of my friends have careers and not jobs too. There is a big difference. I am making just over $15/hr at a job. It's not a career. It's nothing I see myself doing in 5 more years. Yet, I said that 5 years ago and here I am.
I did go to college. IN fact, I even graduated with a B.A. in Communications. Turns out, that's a bullshit major. It doesn't mean anything. My mom always tells me, "well one day, your degree will pay off." Um.. when? It's not like I haven't been looking for other opportunities. I have. About 2 years ago I went on 5 interviews and did not get the position. It's very hard on your pshyche. It's hard to take getting no's over and over again.
Then I think that I am lucky b/c at least I have a job. There are so many people in this country right now that do not even have a job and their unemployment benefits are about to run out. I'm sure, those that had executive jobs are not going to go cashier at their local grocery stores, but I mean, is that what it's come to? In order for the average American to have a job, do they have to work some HS level position? If so, where does that leave HS graduates, HS drop outs and HS kids period? They will be SOL.
This whole economy recession is seriously the shit. It's awful. I don't know how we are ever going to get out of it. IN WWII if I"m not mistaken, didn't it take a war for us to get out of the "great depression?" We are in a war that we can't win with no strategy to get out of. What the fuck are we going to do? At least gas is cheaper. But it's not like grocery stores are lowering their prices that they had to raise b/c of the jump in gas prices. I guess they'll have to wait it out to see if they go back up. Joe/Jane public would be pissed if the raised the prices on everyday things, to lower them, to then raise them. Americans are very fickle.
I just hate how working in a bad job effects everything that you do. It invades and creeps into every aspect of your life. You are angrier when you drive in b/c you don't want to go. You are angry when you drive home b/c work just sucked so hard that day. You get bitchy and testy with loved ones b/c although they may try to help, they really don't. Things get blown out of proportion and then that's when all the crap really hits the fan.
Who wants to even be in a relationship anyway? I mean the other person always drives you crazy. There is always something not right with a relationship. They could yell at your and bring you down. There could be sexual issues. They could just generally be an ass. In all relationships, there is one person not getting what they need. So they go out and try to find/fill that void of what they need. Hopefully they are not cheaters, but it happens and I will never look down upon those that cheat. I just think there is a way to do it with respect to the other person. Is that an oxy moron? Respectful cheating? See.. dead in relationships too. Dead end work. Dead end relationships. YOu can't win.. anywhere.. in life. Maybe if you own a pet and I do, but I don't live with mine. My ex gets to see them every single day/night and give them lovies.
anyway.. this is way long.
I did go to college. IN fact, I even graduated with a B.A. in Communications. Turns out, that's a bullshit major. It doesn't mean anything. My mom always tells me, "well one day, your degree will pay off." Um.. when? It's not like I haven't been looking for other opportunities. I have. About 2 years ago I went on 5 interviews and did not get the position. It's very hard on your pshyche. It's hard to take getting no's over and over again.
Then I think that I am lucky b/c at least I have a job. There are so many people in this country right now that do not even have a job and their unemployment benefits are about to run out. I'm sure, those that had executive jobs are not going to go cashier at their local grocery stores, but I mean, is that what it's come to? In order for the average American to have a job, do they have to work some HS level position? If so, where does that leave HS graduates, HS drop outs and HS kids period? They will be SOL.
This whole economy recession is seriously the shit. It's awful. I don't know how we are ever going to get out of it. IN WWII if I"m not mistaken, didn't it take a war for us to get out of the "great depression?" We are in a war that we can't win with no strategy to get out of. What the fuck are we going to do? At least gas is cheaper. But it's not like grocery stores are lowering their prices that they had to raise b/c of the jump in gas prices. I guess they'll have to wait it out to see if they go back up. Joe/Jane public would be pissed if the raised the prices on everyday things, to lower them, to then raise them. Americans are very fickle.
I just hate how working in a bad job effects everything that you do. It invades and creeps into every aspect of your life. You are angrier when you drive in b/c you don't want to go. You are angry when you drive home b/c work just sucked so hard that day. You get bitchy and testy with loved ones b/c although they may try to help, they really don't. Things get blown out of proportion and then that's when all the crap really hits the fan.
Who wants to even be in a relationship anyway? I mean the other person always drives you crazy. There is always something not right with a relationship. They could yell at your and bring you down. There could be sexual issues. They could just generally be an ass. In all relationships, there is one person not getting what they need. So they go out and try to find/fill that void of what they need. Hopefully they are not cheaters, but it happens and I will never look down upon those that cheat. I just think there is a way to do it with respect to the other person. Is that an oxy moron? Respectful cheating? See.. dead in relationships too. Dead end work. Dead end relationships. YOu can't win.. anywhere.. in life. Maybe if you own a pet and I do, but I don't live with mine. My ex gets to see them every single day/night and give them lovies.
anyway.. this is way long.
TMI Tuesday
1. Do you consider sexy underthings a present for you or your partner? -
Well mostly I do it for him. I want him to think that I am as sexy as I feel when I wear sexy things. I didn't used to wear sexy underthings, but have started because who wants to have sex with someone wearing granny panties?
2. What are 3 characteristics of “your type”? Have you best relationship(s) been with your type or when you have gone against it? -
Intelligence. Bad Boy. Caring.
All of the men who I have dated have been intelligent. There is something so sexy about a man with a brain. Someone that can think for themselves. Someone who can mix in with any group of people and carry on any conversation. I do love a bad boy, but I've never really dated one. I love black men but again, have never dated one. I have had sex with one and it was good. Nothing spectacular though. Everyone that I have dated has also been caring. I need someone caring towards me as well as caring towards others. There is nothing less attractive then a man that treats people like shit including say waitstaff and others.
My best relationships are with people that are similar to myself. Currently, Al Gore and I are pretty different. One of the only things we do agree on is that we have great sex and enjoy it.
3. What is on your Santa list this year?
Tires. I need new tires and I can not afford them. It's really too big of a present for any one person to get me. I also need long sleeved t-shirts as well as socks. I am a sock whore really. I don't do socks without a pattern and I don't like ankle socks. Unless the ankle socks are white and I wear them with sneakers.
4. Generally speaking, who has historically had a higher libido, you or your partner(s)?
Hard question. In my last relationship I think it was neither of us. In this one, I think it's me. Since I was without sex for so long, now that I'm getting it and it's good, I want it all the time. I would have it every morning if I could. What a way to start the day.
5. The unsculptured female bush seems to have passed from fashion. What about men, do you think they need to trim and shave “down there”?
Ummm.. hell yeah. I don't want to go down on a man with a disgusting hairy bush. That's not hot. Shaved balls are good too. I like how they feel when they are smacking against me during sex.
Bonus (as in optional):What are a few of your favorite things (both sexual non-sexual)?
My dogs. A good cup of Coffee. My friendships. Going down on Al Gore and knowing that he likes what I'm doing. Honestly, again, b/c I didn't have sex for so long, now that I'm getting it it's spectacular. I love the connection of the skin to skin contact and the emotional bond between two people after sex. I have realized that I can not dissociate sex and feelings.
Well mostly I do it for him. I want him to think that I am as sexy as I feel when I wear sexy things. I didn't used to wear sexy underthings, but have started because who wants to have sex with someone wearing granny panties?
2. What are 3 characteristics of “your type”? Have you best relationship(s) been with your type or when you have gone against it? -
Intelligence. Bad Boy. Caring.
All of the men who I have dated have been intelligent. There is something so sexy about a man with a brain. Someone that can think for themselves. Someone who can mix in with any group of people and carry on any conversation. I do love a bad boy, but I've never really dated one. I love black men but again, have never dated one. I have had sex with one and it was good. Nothing spectacular though. Everyone that I have dated has also been caring. I need someone caring towards me as well as caring towards others. There is nothing less attractive then a man that treats people like shit including say waitstaff and others.
My best relationships are with people that are similar to myself. Currently, Al Gore and I are pretty different. One of the only things we do agree on is that we have great sex and enjoy it.
3. What is on your Santa list this year?
Tires. I need new tires and I can not afford them. It's really too big of a present for any one person to get me. I also need long sleeved t-shirts as well as socks. I am a sock whore really. I don't do socks without a pattern and I don't like ankle socks. Unless the ankle socks are white and I wear them with sneakers.
4. Generally speaking, who has historically had a higher libido, you or your partner(s)?
Hard question. In my last relationship I think it was neither of us. In this one, I think it's me. Since I was without sex for so long, now that I'm getting it and it's good, I want it all the time. I would have it every morning if I could. What a way to start the day.
5. The unsculptured female bush seems to have passed from fashion. What about men, do you think they need to trim and shave “down there”?
Ummm.. hell yeah. I don't want to go down on a man with a disgusting hairy bush. That's not hot. Shaved balls are good too. I like how they feel when they are smacking against me during sex.
Bonus (as in optional):What are a few of your favorite things (both sexual non-sexual)?
My dogs. A good cup of Coffee. My friendships. Going down on Al Gore and knowing that he likes what I'm doing. Honestly, again, b/c I didn't have sex for so long, now that I'm getting it it's spectacular. I love the connection of the skin to skin contact and the emotional bond between two people after sex. I have realized that I can not dissociate sex and feelings.
Monday, December 8, 2008
I don't feel special
I don't really get why I am still clinging to this idea that one day, Al Gore is going to snap out of it and wake up and realize that I am someone worth devoting his time to. Someone that he can share his life with. I am just this feeble minded female that won't leave. It's really sad. I can't believe I can be one of those stupid women that when asks by the talk show host why she is still with him she says, "because I love him." I mean there is way more to Al then just love, but I mean, I just don't get why he has had past girlfriends and I think we are great together and yet he won't commit to me? Is this a bad sign or a good sign? Man i wish I knew. I guess I need to live my life for me and fuck other people. They are just along for the ride if they can make it on my trip. Does that make any sense? Yeah I didn't think so.
I know that Al Gore and I were meant to meet each other. I needed someone to make me feel beautiful and special and he did that. He needed someone to be a stable constant in his life and show to him and prove to him that he is worth something and to show him love. Just the thing is, for me, what I was needing has changed b/c i'm no longer feeling special. He makes me feel beautiful, but not special. How much longer until i don't even feel beautiful anymore?
I know that Al Gore and I were meant to meet each other. I needed someone to make me feel beautiful and special and he did that. He needed someone to be a stable constant in his life and show to him and prove to him that he is worth something and to show him love. Just the thing is, for me, what I was needing has changed b/c i'm no longer feeling special. He makes me feel beautiful, but not special. How much longer until i don't even feel beautiful anymore?
Communication Break Down
So I write Al Gore all kinds of e-mails and then I never send them. I think I have like 40 or so e-mails in my drafts. I guess maybe our communication issues have to deal with both of us, but I think I'll take a lot of the blame. I have never had these issues with communicating with someone. Most of the time you can't shut me up.
My mom said that when I was younger and I'd come through the front door and she'd know immediately how my day was. I think that's the kind of person I am. I think that you just know how I am feeling as soon as you see me. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so to speak.
Now with Al gore, I have been stunted with my feelings. I tried to confess them early on and got shot down so I think that has prevented me from expressing them now. I want to tell him that I love him, but I get freaked out b/c I've never been with anyone that is friends with so many of the girls that he's been intimate with. It's hard. It's very hard knowing that Portland chick was a pas "friend" that he rekindled and then flew out to Portland to see her.
I don't know if he really gets me. I don't know if I even really know me and who i am to be able to share it with someone else. I think that I try to change and find out the things that he likes. Read the things that he reads to better understand him yet I don't feel that he does the same for me.
It's hard for me when he works and I have no idea what he's up to. He works long hours, but like is he really working? Yes he really is 99% of the time. I just have never had such a disconnect with someone. It sucks that we dont' live that close to each other. We don't live that far away either, but it's hard when I don't get to come home.
I want to be able to cook for him and take care of him. I want this, and I don't know if he wants the same. It's just hard for me to really trust in him b/c I'm so afraid I'm going to get hurt.
So I'll go write another e-mail and it'll get saved as a draft to never be read by him.
My mom said that when I was younger and I'd come through the front door and she'd know immediately how my day was. I think that's the kind of person I am. I think that you just know how I am feeling as soon as you see me. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so to speak.
Now with Al gore, I have been stunted with my feelings. I tried to confess them early on and got shot down so I think that has prevented me from expressing them now. I want to tell him that I love him, but I get freaked out b/c I've never been with anyone that is friends with so many of the girls that he's been intimate with. It's hard. It's very hard knowing that Portland chick was a pas "friend" that he rekindled and then flew out to Portland to see her.
I don't know if he really gets me. I don't know if I even really know me and who i am to be able to share it with someone else. I think that I try to change and find out the things that he likes. Read the things that he reads to better understand him yet I don't feel that he does the same for me.
It's hard for me when he works and I have no idea what he's up to. He works long hours, but like is he really working? Yes he really is 99% of the time. I just have never had such a disconnect with someone. It sucks that we dont' live that close to each other. We don't live that far away either, but it's hard when I don't get to come home.
I want to be able to cook for him and take care of him. I want this, and I don't know if he wants the same. It's just hard for me to really trust in him b/c I'm so afraid I'm going to get hurt.
So I'll go write another e-mail and it'll get saved as a draft to never be read by him.
One Word Answers
Taken from B at B is for Blog.
I don't tag but you're always welcome to take!
One Word
1. Where is your mobile phone? nightstand
2. Your significant other? questions
3. Your hair? down
4. Your mother? amazing
5. Your father? strength
6. Your favorite thing? dogs
7. Your dream last night? thankfully forgotten
8. Your favorite drink? Turkey Hill Diet Green Tea with Mango
9. Your dream/goal? happiness in a career
10. The room you're in? bedroom
11. Your fear? lonliness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy with a career
13. Where were you last night? home
14. What you're not? self confident
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? tires
17. Where you grew up? South Central PA
18. The last thing you did? bathroom break
19. What are you wearing? nothing
20. Your TV? awesome!
21. Your pet(s)? my babies and I miss them
22. Your computer? cooter
23. Your life? ordinary
24. Your mood? meh. confused.
25. Missing someone? always
26. Your car? lifeline
27. Something you're not wearing? clothes
28. Favorite Store? New York and Company
29. Your summer? sunshine
30. Favorite color? blue
31. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
32. Last time you cried? heart break and confusion at the same time
33. Who will/would re-post this? no one
34. Place I go over and over: work
35. Person who e-mails me: matt and or michael
36. My favorite food: pizza
37. Place I would rather be right now: in bed, naked spooning then sex with my S.O.
I don't tag but you're always welcome to take!
One Word
1. Where is your mobile phone? nightstand
2. Your significant other? questions
3. Your hair? down
4. Your mother? amazing
5. Your father? strength
6. Your favorite thing? dogs
7. Your dream last night? thankfully forgotten
8. Your favorite drink? Turkey Hill Diet Green Tea with Mango
9. Your dream/goal? happiness in a career
10. The room you're in? bedroom
11. Your fear? lonliness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy with a career
13. Where were you last night? home
14. What you're not? self confident
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? tires
17. Where you grew up? South Central PA
18. The last thing you did? bathroom break
19. What are you wearing? nothing
20. Your TV? awesome!
21. Your pet(s)? my babies and I miss them
22. Your computer? cooter
23. Your life? ordinary
24. Your mood? meh. confused.
25. Missing someone? always
26. Your car? lifeline
27. Something you're not wearing? clothes
28. Favorite Store? New York and Company
29. Your summer? sunshine
30. Favorite color? blue
31. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
32. Last time you cried? heart break and confusion at the same time
33. Who will/would re-post this? no one
34. Place I go over and over: work
35. Person who e-mails me: matt and or michael
36. My favorite food: pizza
37. Place I would rather be right now: in bed, naked spooning then sex with my S.O.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
TMI Tuesday
1. What are your turn-ons?
Turn ons. I love a man that smells great. It could be cologne and it could be just his smell. I also love a man that will cook for me and then clean up. That is nice. Maybe a great back rub too. Confidence is a turn on. Just not cocky. I need someone that is funny that will make me laugh and someone that also has a great whit.
2. What are your turn-offs?
Someone that smells bad. Bad B.O. Someone who doesn't take care of themselves physically. A few extra pounds are totally ok. Someone who is just obese, not cool. Someone that doesn't take care of their uni-brow. Not cool. Someone that is mean to other's in public. Like the waitstaff or a taxi driver.
3. Not counting your turn-ons, what’s the best trait a person can have?
I love a man with a brain. I am so turned on by someones intelligence. That is sexy.
4. Not counting your turn-offs, what’s the worst trait a person can have?
They think the world revolves around them. They are mean and just not a nice person in general. Someone that thinks that their answers/opinions are always right.
5. What’s your biggest pet peeve?
People who don't know how to drive.
Turn ons. I love a man that smells great. It could be cologne and it could be just his smell. I also love a man that will cook for me and then clean up. That is nice. Maybe a great back rub too. Confidence is a turn on. Just not cocky. I need someone that is funny that will make me laugh and someone that also has a great whit.
2. What are your turn-offs?
Someone that smells bad. Bad B.O. Someone who doesn't take care of themselves physically. A few extra pounds are totally ok. Someone who is just obese, not cool. Someone that doesn't take care of their uni-brow. Not cool. Someone that is mean to other's in public. Like the waitstaff or a taxi driver.
3. Not counting your turn-ons, what’s the best trait a person can have?
I love a man with a brain. I am so turned on by someones intelligence. That is sexy.
4. Not counting your turn-offs, what’s the worst trait a person can have?
They think the world revolves around them. They are mean and just not a nice person in general. Someone that thinks that their answers/opinions are always right.
5. What’s your biggest pet peeve?
People who don't know how to drive.
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