Ok.. so last night I realized that I like Al Gore more then he likes me. I need him more then he needs me. So unfortunately, I"m going to have to prevent myself from contacting him for a little while. Maybe I'll make it into a game with myself where I get little rewards when I do something good and not contact him. Then if I do, then I should have consequences if I do bad.
I know that he is super super busy now b/c the election is on Tuesday which, at this point in time is 4 days away. He's been working his little tail off. I just think I need to pad my little fragile heart from the eventual break that it will feel. He's not ready and I'm a girl. I think I'm ready.
Life goes on. I need to keep my friendship connections strong so that I can make sure I have a good support system when this all does fall apart.
I don't know what the fuck I want. It's insane. I guess I just want the intimacy that the ex and I had a long time ago. Al Gore and I have it until my stupid head starts to think and it fucks everything up. I've never had to deal with any of this stuff and it's just a lot to handle for me. I'm learning and I guess this is a good tool to learn.
I just think Al holds too much stuff in. Keeps too much stuff to himself. Our communication skills really need work. I am too scared to say anything half the time b/c the one time that I did and freaked him out and our "friendship" was in jeopardy b/c he got spooked. I am just so scared to say anything to him. To tell him how I'm feeling.
Why do we have to play games? Who decided this was a good idea? Why can't we just be open and honest with each other? Why do I have to feel the need to not be as readily available to Al Gore? It just sucks ass.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
This weekend
Well I don't really have plans for this weekend. I'll have to keep you posted on what I end up doing. I have had nothing but a string of weekends where I saw Al Gore. I know that he is going to explore Leesburg, VA or Maryland. I can't remember what state it's in. Al and his friend, whom I don't have a nickname for, went there for an Obama rally and thought it was so quaint and lovely that they are going to go explore it.
So I'm most likely being an overactive female with a lame emotional mind right now, but I always invite him up here to do whatever I'm doing with the friends up here. That's why I think his friend, who is female, is kind of shady. Like he never really tells me what he does. I am just an emotional female. Why does he have to tell me anything? I trust him right? Well....... yes mostly. I'd say like 93%. It's just that this is how it went with his other chick from back home. He'd be all shady about it and then I'd have to find out, that he was fucking someone else.
Anyway, I think that I'm going to play the, "I have all these great plans for teh weekend" deal with him. I can't let on that I have nothing going on. That's kinda lame.
So I'm most likely being an overactive female with a lame emotional mind right now, but I always invite him up here to do whatever I'm doing with the friends up here. That's why I think his friend, who is female, is kind of shady. Like he never really tells me what he does. I am just an emotional female. Why does he have to tell me anything? I trust him right? Well....... yes mostly. I'd say like 93%. It's just that this is how it went with his other chick from back home. He'd be all shady about it and then I'd have to find out, that he was fucking someone else.
Anyway, I think that I'm going to play the, "I have all these great plans for teh weekend" deal with him. I can't let on that I have nothing going on. That's kinda lame.
The Scientist
I am just overly emotional right now. I'm listening to Pandora.com and they are playing "The Scientist" by Coldplay. I used to not be able to listen to this song w/o crying thinking of my ex. We should have made it. We should have been that couple that made it. We did not. We couldn't make it work. We just drifted apart and just could not figure out how to bring it back. We tried, but did we try hard enough? What if I had tried harder? What if I had insisted on more things? What if he had tried more? These lyrics are just painful to read/listen to. And honestly, I have tears in my eyes as I type this. If I could have, would I bring the ex back to the start? Would I try to start over again? If I knew where we went wrong would I go back and be able to change it? I just don't think I would. That relationship changed me for the better and helped me to grow.
I do think i was stunted though. I was not able to do the 'normal' things that 20 somethings do which includes dating people. And figuring out how relationships work.
The thing with Al is that I went from a boyfriend at 16 to the ex at 17 to Al at 30. So I never really dated and I havent' beeno ut there, single. I just don't know if that's me.
Anyway.. read the lyrics.
Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.
Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
Oh let's go back to the start.
Runnin' in circles,
Comin' up tails,
Heads on the science apart.
Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start.
I was just guessin',
At numbers and figures,
Pullin' the puzzles apart.
Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.
Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me,
Oh on I rush to the start.
Runnin' in circles,
Chasin' our tails,
Comin' back as we are.
Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start.
I do think i was stunted though. I was not able to do the 'normal' things that 20 somethings do which includes dating people. And figuring out how relationships work.
The thing with Al is that I went from a boyfriend at 16 to the ex at 17 to Al at 30. So I never really dated and I havent' beeno ut there, single. I just don't know if that's me.
Anyway.. read the lyrics.
Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.
Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
Oh let's go back to the start.
Runnin' in circles,
Comin' up tails,
Heads on the science apart.
Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start.
I was just guessin',
At numbers and figures,
Pullin' the puzzles apart.
Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.
Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me,
Oh on I rush to the start.
Runnin' in circles,
Chasin' our tails,
Comin' back as we are.
Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start.
Fix You
These are the lyrics from "Fix You" from Coldplay. It's an amazing song.
It's about how you try and you can try to make this other person love you.
"when you get what you want but not what you need." I feel that I am there right now from Al Gore. I am getting what I want, but not what I need. What is it that I need? The need to feel important to someone.
"when you are too in love to let it go." Who has not been there? Who hasn't been so much in love with someone and the potential of that person and of your relationship that you keep trying? You keep trying way past the point where you should have let it go and begin to heal?
"and I will try to fix you." Again, who hasn't thought that they could fix some part of their lovers soul or who they are? That you think that your love will change that person and make him a better man.
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,
High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
It's about how you try and you can try to make this other person love you.
"when you get what you want but not what you need." I feel that I am there right now from Al Gore. I am getting what I want, but not what I need. What is it that I need? The need to feel important to someone.
"when you are too in love to let it go." Who has not been there? Who hasn't been so much in love with someone and the potential of that person and of your relationship that you keep trying? You keep trying way past the point where you should have let it go and begin to heal?
"and I will try to fix you." Again, who hasn't thought that they could fix some part of their lovers soul or who they are? That you think that your love will change that person and make him a better man.
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,
High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Average Girl
So, Al Gore has all of these female friends. They are all very artsy, unique and just beautiful and different... and tattooed up. Then there is me. Daddy's little conservative princess. Ok.. well i am conservative but more moderate these days. Apparently Al calls me a progressive. I am more a momma's girl then a Daddy's girl and I was never a princess. My parent's gave us a lot, but we always had to work for it.
With that being said, I have 2 tattoo's. On by my right hip bone and one across my lower back. Yes a tramp stamp. I just took out my tongue ring 2 days ago, but I had that for almost 11 years. I have my nose pierced and my triagus done as well (inner ear). However, I am very normal looking.
His other friends are all artsy and all have the artist like tormented souls. I don't have that. I am normal. I don't have issues. These girls are all unique and beautiful.
Then there is me. I just don't stand out. I think that's a deep seeded issue if I would have to pick an issue. People don't remember my name half the time. That's how much I blend in.
So I question myself on why or what would Al actually see in me anyway? I think I am an amazing person with wonderful qualities. I am kind and thoughtful and caring. I don't think that I am a 10 or anything, but I certainly don't think that I am 3. I think I am a 6. Just above average. If I gained weight I'd knock me down to a 5 though.
It's not like Al is this amazingly handsome man that women fall all over. But to me, he is very handsome. I just think that he will get tired/bored with me as I am just an average girl. I guess I should back off for a little bit.
With that being said, I have 2 tattoo's. On by my right hip bone and one across my lower back. Yes a tramp stamp. I just took out my tongue ring 2 days ago, but I had that for almost 11 years. I have my nose pierced and my triagus done as well (inner ear). However, I am very normal looking.
His other friends are all artsy and all have the artist like tormented souls. I don't have that. I am normal. I don't have issues. These girls are all unique and beautiful.
Then there is me. I just don't stand out. I think that's a deep seeded issue if I would have to pick an issue. People don't remember my name half the time. That's how much I blend in.
So I question myself on why or what would Al actually see in me anyway? I think I am an amazing person with wonderful qualities. I am kind and thoughtful and caring. I don't think that I am a 10 or anything, but I certainly don't think that I am 3. I think I am a 6. Just above average. If I gained weight I'd knock me down to a 5 though.
It's not like Al is this amazingly handsome man that women fall all over. But to me, he is very handsome. I just think that he will get tired/bored with me as I am just an average girl. I guess I should back off for a little bit.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
TMI Tuesday
1. Who and when was your first crush?
I would have to say this boy in the neighborhood, Chad. He lived right next door to my best friend's house and we were always terrorizing him. Why? Well b/c we both thought he was hot.
2. Who and when was your first date?
I don't think that I have had a real actual date. Where you meet someone and then you just decide to go to dinner/lunch/coffee. I generally know the people that I have been intimate with so we are friends and then we go out. Sad I know.
3. Who and when was your first kiss?
Dee W. This was a boy that was on a church group trip that we took. It was truth, dare, kiss or command. And I got to kiss him. It wasn't anything special. Kind of blah if you ask me. I was prob 12 at the time.
Then in 9th grade when I got a boyfriend, we used to make out. I wasn't really into him, but he asked me out and I was like "sure why not?"
4. Who and when was your first partner while “fooling around” in car?
Matt. He was my first boyfriend that I tracked down and I liked and I wanted and I got. He was 4 years older then I was and lived in the same neighborhood. He could drive and I could not so we'd make out in his truck.
5. Who and when was your first partner while “fooling around” in a house?
100% Matt.. again. We would watch tv at his house and his parent's would go to bed around 10pm. I had a curfew of 11 so we'd make out like crazy on his couch. I went on vacation with his family and we eventually had sex while on vacation. So when we came back and were "watching tv" from 10-11, we were having sex. Great times.
6. Who and when was your first love?
Oh Jeez.... I would say Matt. I did love him and the love that I had for him was not fake. It was not as intense as other love that I have had for other people. Hell, not other people. Just for my STBE husband. He was the love of my entire life. My entire being for 13+ years. Hmmm.. that's not right. I'd say he was my love life for 9 years. We broke up for a few months and then the last 2 years we had just drifted apart.
Bonus: Who’s blog did you first comment on?
Happyendings: Confessions of an erotic masseuse.
I would have to say this boy in the neighborhood, Chad. He lived right next door to my best friend's house and we were always terrorizing him. Why? Well b/c we both thought he was hot.
2. Who and when was your first date?
I don't think that I have had a real actual date. Where you meet someone and then you just decide to go to dinner/lunch/coffee. I generally know the people that I have been intimate with so we are friends and then we go out. Sad I know.
3. Who and when was your first kiss?
Dee W. This was a boy that was on a church group trip that we took. It was truth, dare, kiss or command. And I got to kiss him. It wasn't anything special. Kind of blah if you ask me. I was prob 12 at the time.
Then in 9th grade when I got a boyfriend, we used to make out. I wasn't really into him, but he asked me out and I was like "sure why not?"
4. Who and when was your first partner while “fooling around” in car?
Matt. He was my first boyfriend that I tracked down and I liked and I wanted and I got. He was 4 years older then I was and lived in the same neighborhood. He could drive and I could not so we'd make out in his truck.
5. Who and when was your first partner while “fooling around” in a house?
100% Matt.. again. We would watch tv at his house and his parent's would go to bed around 10pm. I had a curfew of 11 so we'd make out like crazy on his couch. I went on vacation with his family and we eventually had sex while on vacation. So when we came back and were "watching tv" from 10-11, we were having sex. Great times.
6. Who and when was your first love?
Oh Jeez.... I would say Matt. I did love him and the love that I had for him was not fake. It was not as intense as other love that I have had for other people. Hell, not other people. Just for my STBE husband. He was the love of my entire life. My entire being for 13+ years. Hmmm.. that's not right. I'd say he was my love life for 9 years. We broke up for a few months and then the last 2 years we had just drifted apart.
Bonus: Who’s blog did you first comment on?
Happyendings: Confessions of an erotic masseuse.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Relationship Status?
I was at my friend's Halloween party on Saturday with Al Gore. We watched the Penn State game (which they did win and ti was a great game) and there was this man there that I will called Mr. Steelers. Apparently he works with my soon to be ex husband. They must both be part of the same guard unit. So, Mr. Steelers pulled Al gore aside and was asking him if I was his girlfriend and apparently Al did say yes.
However, he only lists me as his friend to anyone else. Like to a perfect stranger I can be his girlfriend. To anyone else, I am a friend. Honestly though, I am guilty of the same crime. I don't know what to call him so I just call him my friend.
I guess we are dating? I don't really know. I know that I feel that I do come second to work, but srsly, the man is 26. He is very intelligent and amazingly brilliant and this lovely mix of nerdiness and geekiness matched with this sexiness and a great sexual appetite that matches mine.
I love hanging out with him, but are either of us ready to say "yes this is my boyfriend/girlfriend?" He is talking to his ex girlfriend and it's good for him. I think that they are able to communicate w/o anger. Or at least I hope that's how it is going. I don't want her fucking him up again. I may srsly have to fuck that bitch up if she does anything to him again.
Who cares about a relationship status. Who cares? I mean i don't care but apparently people really do care. He is my friend that I sleep with, that I have this amazing relationship with, that I enjoy doing things with and who the fuck cares. So far it's been awesome and amazing and I guess when I get that "I need to know where this is going" bug then i will confront that when that happens.
-peace
However, he only lists me as his friend to anyone else. Like to a perfect stranger I can be his girlfriend. To anyone else, I am a friend. Honestly though, I am guilty of the same crime. I don't know what to call him so I just call him my friend.
I guess we are dating? I don't really know. I know that I feel that I do come second to work, but srsly, the man is 26. He is very intelligent and amazingly brilliant and this lovely mix of nerdiness and geekiness matched with this sexiness and a great sexual appetite that matches mine.
I love hanging out with him, but are either of us ready to say "yes this is my boyfriend/girlfriend?" He is talking to his ex girlfriend and it's good for him. I think that they are able to communicate w/o anger. Or at least I hope that's how it is going. I don't want her fucking him up again. I may srsly have to fuck that bitch up if she does anything to him again.
Who cares about a relationship status. Who cares? I mean i don't care but apparently people really do care. He is my friend that I sleep with, that I have this amazing relationship with, that I enjoy doing things with and who the fuck cares. So far it's been awesome and amazing and I guess when I get that "I need to know where this is going" bug then i will confront that when that happens.
-peace
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Nice things Al Gore has done for me
I have decided that I know it's lame, but I'm going to write in this post, the nice things that Al has done for me b/c sometimes, I forget.
1- Last Saturday I was asleep before he was and I was feeling really crappy from a cold. So when i woke up when he was getting ready to go to bed, he had my box of tissues, my cough drops and some water next to the bed just in case I needed them.
2- Post it note on the mirror telling me to hurry up and get back to bed to smuggle
3- He gave me a Tiffany's bracelet. Now he had found it back in Portland, but still. I love it
4- He downloaded an HD hour long special on a migration of a loggerhead turtle.
5- He let me stay at his place when I needed a place to go
6- He bought me a hotel room when I had my accident so I didn't have to figure everything out
7- He bought me tickets to go see Diplo in Philly on 11/15
8- He has spent money on hotel rooms for us to just chill out
9- He bought me a handle of Captain Morgan's when I was going to be at his place for about 6 hours by myself
10- When I helped him move to DC, I was driving the moving truck and I tagged a car. I was freaking out and he jumped out of the truck to take care of it
11- he makes sure I have conditioner for my hair
1- Last Saturday I was asleep before he was and I was feeling really crappy from a cold. So when i woke up when he was getting ready to go to bed, he had my box of tissues, my cough drops and some water next to the bed just in case I needed them.
2- Post it note on the mirror telling me to hurry up and get back to bed to smuggle
3- He gave me a Tiffany's bracelet. Now he had found it back in Portland, but still. I love it
4- He downloaded an HD hour long special on a migration of a loggerhead turtle.
5- He let me stay at his place when I needed a place to go
6- He bought me a hotel room when I had my accident so I didn't have to figure everything out
7- He bought me tickets to go see Diplo in Philly on 11/15
8- He has spent money on hotel rooms for us to just chill out
9- He bought me a handle of Captain Morgan's when I was going to be at his place for about 6 hours by myself
10- When I helped him move to DC, I was driving the moving truck and I tagged a car. I was freaking out and he jumped out of the truck to take care of it
11- he makes sure I have conditioner for my hair
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
So over it
Ok.. I am resisting the urge to write Al an e-mail b/c I am over it. I can't do it. I can't do it. The fucking thing with him and the Portland chick, where he just lied to me and was talking and saying "i love yous" to this chick has me always thinking/wondering what the fuck he's doing and why he did not answer an e-mail from earlier. Like hours earlier basically saying that I wanted him to call.
I am so over it. I can't trust this man to be in it for me. I can't trust him to have my good interests at heart. To actually think of me at all. He just thinks of himself. And you know what? That is totally fine. That is his right. I just need something different right now.
I think the best thing for me is to be by myself right now. To not have him around. To not see him.
I need someone in it for me and he's not. he is in it for himself. Again, that is fine, but that is not what I need right now.
I am so over it. I can't trust this man to be in it for me. I can't trust him to have my good interests at heart. To actually think of me at all. He just thinks of himself. And you know what? That is totally fine. That is his right. I just need something different right now.
I think the best thing for me is to be by myself right now. To not have him around. To not see him.
I need someone in it for me and he's not. he is in it for himself. Again, that is fine, but that is not what I need right now.
The ups and downs of a FWB to lover
Ok.. so this past weekend was good. I went down to see Al Gore and all was well. We went to Costco and bought him a great tv. Well technically I bought it since they only take cash, debit card or their American Express card. Since he only had a credit card, I just paid with my debit card. He gave me a check for it though.
We were both still suffering from craptastic colds. I am still suffering way worse then he is. Sunday night I ended up asleep before he was. I woke up when he was getting ready to go to bed. He had placed my box of Puffs Plus next to the bed. Got me some water and some cough drops and also had them right next to the bed. So freaking sweet of him to think of all of that for me. It is true that it is the little things that make you really appreciate and love someone.
When I woke up I went to the bathroom and there was a post-it-note from him on the mirror. Very cute as well. He knows that I have to wake up every night to pee so he put a post it note basically saying, "i know you are up to pee, but hurry up so you can get back to bed and snuggle with me. I love you." Then what was cute and weird was that he signed his name. Like I needed to know who it was from.
I drove home on Monday evening and while on the road I sent 2 text messages. Then another one when I was actually home. Not rcving any reply, I sent another one saying "well good thing your phone is working." Or something snide like that. I did get a response back the next morning, but I haven't read it yet.
he went out for dinner last night and I sent him just a "good night" text message and no response. So whatever. He's busy.
So today I got an IM from my friend in Florida, we'll call him BigJoo (as yes he is Jewish). He asked me if Al Gore was in the hospital and of course I said no b/c I had not heard about it. BigJoo copied me Al's facebook message and it basically said that he was at GWU hospital and dealing with a 9 out of 10 on the pain scale. But I still want to go to the Obama rally today.
I sent him an e-mail with "WTF?" and then copied his Facebook message. Long story short, he had kidney stones. However, while at the hospital he was able to update his Facebook message but was unable to even text me or call me to let me know he was in the hospital. Apparently our friend B-boy got him a taxi and took him to the hospital and in general took are of him, which I am grateful for. However, B-Boy knows my phone number and no text or call from him. Al.. nothing. I had to ask him about it.
So his reply was basically that he went to check to see if the internet worked on his phone and it did and he found out b/c he "accidentally" hit the facebook app. He was in the process of writing me an e-mail when the internet died and he lost it all. He said he didnt' want to worry me as he didn't know for sure what was up. I mean, srsly, just an e-mail or a text saying, "hey, going to the hospital for extremely sharp pains in my side. Will let you know what's up" NOTHING
Also, I just really feel that he is just not at a place right now where we should be together. After the beach he told me that he doesn't like the thought of me dating other people. And we also share the "i love yous" and what not. So I think, in any "normal" world that we'd be dating. However, I am still just a friend to him and to anyone he knows.
so we are going to have a "talk" at some point. He was supposed to come up this weekend, but we'll see. I just don't really know when to have it or how to have it. Should I send it in an e-mail or should we do it over IM as that's how a lot of our stuff goes down. Maybe I will call him and make him hear my voice when I say things.
WE don't talk enough..... well we don't communicate very well and that has to change.
It's just very hard b/c I do love this man and he is amazing and is wonderful and I am so relaxed around him, but I mean, I just get these feelings all the time that he's just not that into me. That it's all a show.
We were both still suffering from craptastic colds. I am still suffering way worse then he is. Sunday night I ended up asleep before he was. I woke up when he was getting ready to go to bed. He had placed my box of Puffs Plus next to the bed. Got me some water and some cough drops and also had them right next to the bed. So freaking sweet of him to think of all of that for me. It is true that it is the little things that make you really appreciate and love someone.
When I woke up I went to the bathroom and there was a post-it-note from him on the mirror. Very cute as well. He knows that I have to wake up every night to pee so he put a post it note basically saying, "i know you are up to pee, but hurry up so you can get back to bed and snuggle with me. I love you." Then what was cute and weird was that he signed his name. Like I needed to know who it was from.
I drove home on Monday evening and while on the road I sent 2 text messages. Then another one when I was actually home. Not rcving any reply, I sent another one saying "well good thing your phone is working." Or something snide like that. I did get a response back the next morning, but I haven't read it yet.
he went out for dinner last night and I sent him just a "good night" text message and no response. So whatever. He's busy.
So today I got an IM from my friend in Florida, we'll call him BigJoo (as yes he is Jewish). He asked me if Al Gore was in the hospital and of course I said no b/c I had not heard about it. BigJoo copied me Al's facebook message and it basically said that he was at GWU hospital and dealing with a 9 out of 10 on the pain scale. But I still want to go to the Obama rally today.
I sent him an e-mail with "WTF?" and then copied his Facebook message. Long story short, he had kidney stones. However, while at the hospital he was able to update his Facebook message but was unable to even text me or call me to let me know he was in the hospital. Apparently our friend B-boy got him a taxi and took him to the hospital and in general took are of him, which I am grateful for. However, B-Boy knows my phone number and no text or call from him. Al.. nothing. I had to ask him about it.
So his reply was basically that he went to check to see if the internet worked on his phone and it did and he found out b/c he "accidentally" hit the facebook app. He was in the process of writing me an e-mail when the internet died and he lost it all. He said he didnt' want to worry me as he didn't know for sure what was up. I mean, srsly, just an e-mail or a text saying, "hey, going to the hospital for extremely sharp pains in my side. Will let you know what's up" NOTHING
Also, I just really feel that he is just not at a place right now where we should be together. After the beach he told me that he doesn't like the thought of me dating other people. And we also share the "i love yous" and what not. So I think, in any "normal" world that we'd be dating. However, I am still just a friend to him and to anyone he knows.
so we are going to have a "talk" at some point. He was supposed to come up this weekend, but we'll see. I just don't really know when to have it or how to have it. Should I send it in an e-mail or should we do it over IM as that's how a lot of our stuff goes down. Maybe I will call him and make him hear my voice when I say things.
WE don't talk enough..... well we don't communicate very well and that has to change.
It's just very hard b/c I do love this man and he is amazing and is wonderful and I am so relaxed around him, but I mean, I just get these feelings all the time that he's just not that into me. That it's all a show.
Facebook Rant
Ok, it honestly may be me, but I have a life outside of my "computer life." I have friends that I see on a regular basis. I go to work. I have work friends. I have my family. Why do people feel the need to constantly update their fucking status on facebook? Why? To me, I feel that it's a need in people to have "contact" with other's w/o really having contact with them. If they are people that you want to keep in touch with, shoot them an e-mail. Hell, write an e-mail and then copy it and send it to a bunch of people. That is even more personable. And playing all these lame games and making cities? God so lame.
I think it's also a need/desire in us to feel more important. People seriously don't need to know what you are doing all the time. I was just at the beach, ok, like a month ago, but still.... a friend there was constantly updating her Facebook status. WHO CARES?
"eating a delicious all you can eat crab dinner"
"using wet whips to clean up after my messy all you can eat dinner"
"ON my way home from my all you can eat crab dinner"
"watching tv"
"playing rock band and sucking.. lol"
"playing with my wii"
WHO CARES!? Do people really want to know what you are doing all day and all night? Seriously, no. It's just a way for you to write something so that people can then comment and be like, "oh that's awesome." Or if you are sick you can put, "fighting a mean cold and it's winning" just so people can be like "awwww.. that' so sad. Can i do anything for you? I can bring you soup?"
SO FUCKING LAME.
Attention needing whores. I don't even think it's a friend whore type of thing. Or maybe it is. I don't really care about that. I just care how lame the status is. No.. correction. How lame the people are who change their status all day. I would say if you change it more then 2x a day, you are fucking lame.
I think it's also a need/desire in us to feel more important. People seriously don't need to know what you are doing all the time. I was just at the beach, ok, like a month ago, but still.... a friend there was constantly updating her Facebook status. WHO CARES?
"eating a delicious all you can eat crab dinner"
"using wet whips to clean up after my messy all you can eat dinner"
"ON my way home from my all you can eat crab dinner"
"watching tv"
"playing rock band and sucking.. lol"
"playing with my wii"
WHO CARES!? Do people really want to know what you are doing all day and all night? Seriously, no. It's just a way for you to write something so that people can then comment and be like, "oh that's awesome." Or if you are sick you can put, "fighting a mean cold and it's winning" just so people can be like "awwww.. that' so sad. Can i do anything for you? I can bring you soup?"
SO FUCKING LAME.
Attention needing whores. I don't even think it's a friend whore type of thing. Or maybe it is. I don't really care about that. I just care how lame the status is. No.. correction. How lame the people are who change their status all day. I would say if you change it more then 2x a day, you are fucking lame.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
TMI Tuesday #157
1. Have you ever felt guilty or ashamed after a sexual experience?
Oh hell yeah. Guilty. Most def. I was married... umm.. I still am. I am separated currently. Since January. Damn, I really need to get the ball moving on this getting a divorce. Anyway.... I drove out to Wisconsin (long story short) to visit with some friends out there. I had been IMing with someone out there that I had actually not even met. Just exchanged pictures and of course the IMs and the e-mails got more and more heated. I knew I was going to sleep with him when I went out there. I was still living with my STBE and well, slept with another man. I felt guilty, but it just reaffirmed that I needed to be out of the marriage.
Other then that, I have not felt guilty or ashamed at all. I love sex (now that I'm having it) and I don't think that there is really anything that would make me feel guilty now or ashamed for that matter.
2. Did you ever own a fake ID?
No I did not. I never really needed to. My friends and I would drink at someone's house and we'd always find someone to buy us alcohol.
3. How often do you tell white lies? Is it with or without thinking?
Ummm.. daily. "Oh your new haircut looks good." "Wow, I would have never guessed you weighted 202lbs." It's just something that I do so that I don't have to hurt someone's feelings.
I think that in my life I do try to be as honest as possible.
Oh.. snap. My best friend is not really pleased with my relationship with Al Gore. So, I tend to lie to her and tell her that I'm doing something different when in reality, I am with Al. I don't like doing it. I just don't want her to give me a hard time about it.
4. On a scale of 1-10, how well do you receive constructive criticism?
Depends. I used to be a negative 5. Meaning I did not take it very well at all. Now I think that I have worked my way up to a positive 7 :-) I can take it well if it's given by someone that I respect and trust that they are not stupid. That they know what they are talking about. Otherwise, I just blow it off and don't think twice.
5. Have you ever shaved your pubic hair?
Hell to the yeah. I don't want to go down on a really hairy man and I don't think that he would want to do the same. When I met Al I was a landing strip kinda gal. He likes it all shaved so that's what I do. I did get it all waxed.. you know.. I visited Brazil. The waxing wasn't bad at all. It's just that it didn't last as long as I would have wanted. Now when I shave I have to try so hard not to get those stupid, irritation bumps. Really annoying.
Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?
NONE! ZIP! ZERO! (on the women side)
I started with Al Gore as a FWB (friends with benefits) and man, it was not at all easy to do. We had huge ups and downs and he freaked out on me several times when he thought I was getting too clingy (which in all honesty, I was). You need to be honest if you are going to try FWB. You have to go into and let the other person know your expectations and you have to hear what theirs are. If you start seeing someone else and esp if you are sleeping with them, you need to let the other know. It's just out of respect.
Can men do FWB? ABSOLUTELY. Sex to me is something personal. It's a connection. It's a feeling and men can disassociate between feelings of the heart and feelings of the body. Women can not. It's not a bad thing. It's just the way that it is. Al had no issues with us just sleeping together with no indication that this would ever go further. I, on the other hand, would think about it a lot.
I still do. I still wonder what's going on with us. We live apart. It takes about 2 hours to drive to see him. What happens next? I can't keep driving to see him. I mean, I guess I can b/c I do feel that what we do have together is amazing. He is an amazing human being and kind and loving. Caring and thoughtful. And above all else, I just feel so relaxed around him and it feels so amazing to just lay with him.. next to him. Skin 2 Skin.
Oh hell yeah. Guilty. Most def. I was married... umm.. I still am. I am separated currently. Since January. Damn, I really need to get the ball moving on this getting a divorce. Anyway.... I drove out to Wisconsin (long story short) to visit with some friends out there. I had been IMing with someone out there that I had actually not even met. Just exchanged pictures and of course the IMs and the e-mails got more and more heated. I knew I was going to sleep with him when I went out there. I was still living with my STBE and well, slept with another man. I felt guilty, but it just reaffirmed that I needed to be out of the marriage.
Other then that, I have not felt guilty or ashamed at all. I love sex (now that I'm having it) and I don't think that there is really anything that would make me feel guilty now or ashamed for that matter.
2. Did you ever own a fake ID?
No I did not. I never really needed to. My friends and I would drink at someone's house and we'd always find someone to buy us alcohol.
3. How often do you tell white lies? Is it with or without thinking?
Ummm.. daily. "Oh your new haircut looks good." "Wow, I would have never guessed you weighted 202lbs." It's just something that I do so that I don't have to hurt someone's feelings.
I think that in my life I do try to be as honest as possible.
Oh.. snap. My best friend is not really pleased with my relationship with Al Gore. So, I tend to lie to her and tell her that I'm doing something different when in reality, I am with Al. I don't like doing it. I just don't want her to give me a hard time about it.
4. On a scale of 1-10, how well do you receive constructive criticism?
Depends. I used to be a negative 5. Meaning I did not take it very well at all. Now I think that I have worked my way up to a positive 7 :-) I can take it well if it's given by someone that I respect and trust that they are not stupid. That they know what they are talking about. Otherwise, I just blow it off and don't think twice.
5. Have you ever shaved your pubic hair?
Hell to the yeah. I don't want to go down on a really hairy man and I don't think that he would want to do the same. When I met Al I was a landing strip kinda gal. He likes it all shaved so that's what I do. I did get it all waxed.. you know.. I visited Brazil. The waxing wasn't bad at all. It's just that it didn't last as long as I would have wanted. Now when I shave I have to try so hard not to get those stupid, irritation bumps. Really annoying.
Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?
NONE! ZIP! ZERO! (on the women side)
I started with Al Gore as a FWB (friends with benefits) and man, it was not at all easy to do. We had huge ups and downs and he freaked out on me several times when he thought I was getting too clingy (which in all honesty, I was). You need to be honest if you are going to try FWB. You have to go into and let the other person know your expectations and you have to hear what theirs are. If you start seeing someone else and esp if you are sleeping with them, you need to let the other know. It's just out of respect.
Can men do FWB? ABSOLUTELY. Sex to me is something personal. It's a connection. It's a feeling and men can disassociate between feelings of the heart and feelings of the body. Women can not. It's not a bad thing. It's just the way that it is. Al had no issues with us just sleeping together with no indication that this would ever go further. I, on the other hand, would think about it a lot.
I still do. I still wonder what's going on with us. We live apart. It takes about 2 hours to drive to see him. What happens next? I can't keep driving to see him. I mean, I guess I can b/c I do feel that what we do have together is amazing. He is an amazing human being and kind and loving. Caring and thoughtful. And above all else, I just feel so relaxed around him and it feels so amazing to just lay with him.. next to him. Skin 2 Skin.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Rant and a Rambling
Ok.. so this is a rant and probably a few rambling ideas. I have a court date on Monday for a speeding ticket that I am fighting. They said I was going 85 in a 55 and honestly, I really dont' think I was going that fast. They did not get me with radar or like a stop watch but the guy was following me. So we'll see how that goes. The ticket occurred in Maryland about 20 miles North of DC. The plan was, I am going to go stay at Al Gore's place on Saturday and Sunday nights and then drive to my court hearing on Monday.
All well and good right? He was supposed to be going to a show with is one friend tonight. Well they were going to do dinner and then the show. (which is why I was going to come down Saturday). Well ok.. So now the show is Saturday b/c he is just excessively busy and just can't remember to look at his calendar. He still wants me to come down on Saturday b/c he misses me and misses feeling my skin and be the receiver of my kisses.
Now, I totally do miss him as well and love being able to lay next to him naked. But... (there is always a but right?) Here is where it gets "fun." He goes to dinner, say 6 o'clock ish and then goes to the show and doesn't get home until say 1:30 at the earliest. I have to entertain myself for like 7 hours!!! Ok, so you think, "well Athena.. just watch tv or watch a movie." I can't. he does not have a tv and even if I were to bring a tv down, he does not have cable. So for 7 hours I have to find something to do.
I don't know if I can leave b/c I won't have keys to get back into his place. i know the building code to get in the door. Oh and his roommate is going to be there. Maybe her and I can just chill. Sounds like a good plan huh? Except the fact that she does not like that fact that I am there and around as she has so lovingly called me "the third roommate." And I do feel bad. I don't want to be "that guy." I don't want to be the annoying girlfriend that is always around.
So what to do. I do love his company and I would get to see him in the day time and then all of Sunday. But 7 hours with nothing to do? I just don't know if I can manage that.
BTW, I just bought a 32" plasma tv so I have that at home and I love it. I don't ever want to leave it. So blah.. I don't know. I just think our selfishness in wanting to see each other is going to cause me to be bored out of my mind!
All well and good right? He was supposed to be going to a show with is one friend tonight. Well they were going to do dinner and then the show. (which is why I was going to come down Saturday). Well ok.. So now the show is Saturday b/c he is just excessively busy and just can't remember to look at his calendar. He still wants me to come down on Saturday b/c he misses me and misses feeling my skin and be the receiver of my kisses.
Now, I totally do miss him as well and love being able to lay next to him naked. But... (there is always a but right?) Here is where it gets "fun." He goes to dinner, say 6 o'clock ish and then goes to the show and doesn't get home until say 1:30 at the earliest. I have to entertain myself for like 7 hours!!! Ok, so you think, "well Athena.. just watch tv or watch a movie." I can't. he does not have a tv and even if I were to bring a tv down, he does not have cable. So for 7 hours I have to find something to do.
I don't know if I can leave b/c I won't have keys to get back into his place. i know the building code to get in the door. Oh and his roommate is going to be there. Maybe her and I can just chill. Sounds like a good plan huh? Except the fact that she does not like that fact that I am there and around as she has so lovingly called me "the third roommate." And I do feel bad. I don't want to be "that guy." I don't want to be the annoying girlfriend that is always around.
So what to do. I do love his company and I would get to see him in the day time and then all of Sunday. But 7 hours with nothing to do? I just don't know if I can manage that.
BTW, I just bought a 32" plasma tv so I have that at home and I love it. I don't ever want to leave it. So blah.. I don't know. I just think our selfishness in wanting to see each other is going to cause me to be bored out of my mind!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
TMI Tuesday
7 Virtues
1. Prudence: When do you feel it is most important to exercise prudence?
This is Dictionary.com's version of what prudence is...
1. the quality or fact of being prudent.
2. caution with regard to practical matters; discretion.
3. regard for one's own interests.
4. provident care in the management of resources; economy; frugality.
I would like to think that, here at work, I do use prudence when I am trying to figure out why everyone is so stupid here. Lol.. no really, I have used prudence around Al Gore for months now. I don't like to share my personal life with too many people for a few reasons. One of which is because it's my business and no one needs to know about it. Also, I really didn't know what has been going on with him. I needed to watch out for myself and my heart.
2. Justice: Is a sense of justice really a virtue, or is only a tool that allows us to pass judgment on others without feeling guilty? What do you feel is the greatest injustice facing the world today?
Wow... the greatest injustice in the world today? God that is way too broad for me to even start. This is going to be totally selfish but I am fine admitted to it. I am sick of the United States being the world's "police force." You are your own country. We are our own country. You let yourselves into that mess, then you get yourself out of it. Such as Darfur. Sure it is extremely upsetting on the genocide that is going on there. However, you are part of a country. You as a country, you deal with it. I don't think that we, as American's, should be responsible for defending everyone and footing the bill for it.
With that being said, I HATE when things are not fair. I don't like when people are abused by the police or abused by the government. That is not fair and there is no justice served there.
3. Temperance: All things in moderation. Should we allow ourselves a few excesses? How well do you restrain yourself when faced with your deepest desires?
Hell yeah we need to allow for a few excesses. I think that if you can not let loose a little bit, no matter what your definition of "letting loose" is, you will just go crazy. How well do I restrain myself? God, not really well. When I am hungry for a certain food I eat it. When I want a new pair of shoes, I go out and find some. When I wanted to do "the nasty" with Al, then I do or at least I try really hard to get him into bed.
4. Courage/Fortitude: How well do you confront fear and uncertainty, or intimidation? Does facing the little things make you as brave as facing the big things?
I confront fear and uncertainty not so well. I am very happy and very secure in what I know, where I live, who I hang around, my job, my family.... I feel that I am adaptable to change. However, I don't really change that often and if I do, I just do things very slowly.
do the little things make me as brave as facing the big things? I'd like to think that by doing little things, by getting over something little, those little victories help you face the larger ones.
5. Faith: Is it important to have faith? How steadfast are you in your core beliefs? Do your core beliefs equate to faith in something?
Wow.. faith huh? I don't really believe in an organized religion. I think that it is all BS. I mean, the bible is basically a made up book, in my opinion. I do have "faith" in people though. I put my trust and my love with some select people. I have "faith" that they are not going to fuck me over. My core believes are a sense of right and wrong and to try to live my life with no regrets.
6. Hope: Does having hope for the future help you deal with the present? How good are you at finding the good in the bad? What is the thing you hope for most?
I don't really think I have or consciously think of hope for my future. I just live my life and make plans and work to make the plans a reality. I would like to think that I'm always trying to find the positive in negative situations.
7. Love/Charity: How easy is it for you to give selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness? How easy is it for you to receive selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness?
I find myself falling and giving too easily of my heart. As the older I get, the wiser I get and I guess, cold hearted in a way. I won't give my heart of my feelings to anyone and then when I do, it's pretty full bore. It's hard for me to reel back and not give of myself so much.
I also think it is really hard for me to receive unconditional love from someone. I feel that they will take it and use it and destroy me. I just keep waiting for it to happen so sometimes, I think I'm kind of fucked up like that. Placing my love in another's hands and then waiting for them to destroy it.
1. Prudence: When do you feel it is most important to exercise prudence?
This is Dictionary.com's version of what prudence is...
1. the quality or fact of being prudent.
2. caution with regard to practical matters; discretion.
3. regard for one's own interests.
4. provident care in the management of resources; economy; frugality.
I would like to think that, here at work, I do use prudence when I am trying to figure out why everyone is so stupid here. Lol.. no really, I have used prudence around Al Gore for months now. I don't like to share my personal life with too many people for a few reasons. One of which is because it's my business and no one needs to know about it. Also, I really didn't know what has been going on with him. I needed to watch out for myself and my heart.
2. Justice: Is a sense of justice really a virtue, or is only a tool that allows us to pass judgment on others without feeling guilty? What do you feel is the greatest injustice facing the world today?
Wow... the greatest injustice in the world today? God that is way too broad for me to even start. This is going to be totally selfish but I am fine admitted to it. I am sick of the United States being the world's "police force." You are your own country. We are our own country. You let yourselves into that mess, then you get yourself out of it. Such as Darfur. Sure it is extremely upsetting on the genocide that is going on there. However, you are part of a country. You as a country, you deal with it. I don't think that we, as American's, should be responsible for defending everyone and footing the bill for it.
With that being said, I HATE when things are not fair. I don't like when people are abused by the police or abused by the government. That is not fair and there is no justice served there.
3. Temperance: All things in moderation. Should we allow ourselves a few excesses? How well do you restrain yourself when faced with your deepest desires?
Hell yeah we need to allow for a few excesses. I think that if you can not let loose a little bit, no matter what your definition of "letting loose" is, you will just go crazy. How well do I restrain myself? God, not really well. When I am hungry for a certain food I eat it. When I want a new pair of shoes, I go out and find some. When I wanted to do "the nasty" with Al, then I do or at least I try really hard to get him into bed.
4. Courage/Fortitude: How well do you confront fear and uncertainty, or intimidation? Does facing the little things make you as brave as facing the big things?
I confront fear and uncertainty not so well. I am very happy and very secure in what I know, where I live, who I hang around, my job, my family.... I feel that I am adaptable to change. However, I don't really change that often and if I do, I just do things very slowly.
do the little things make me as brave as facing the big things? I'd like to think that by doing little things, by getting over something little, those little victories help you face the larger ones.
5. Faith: Is it important to have faith? How steadfast are you in your core beliefs? Do your core beliefs equate to faith in something?
Wow.. faith huh? I don't really believe in an organized religion. I think that it is all BS. I mean, the bible is basically a made up book, in my opinion. I do have "faith" in people though. I put my trust and my love with some select people. I have "faith" that they are not going to fuck me over. My core believes are a sense of right and wrong and to try to live my life with no regrets.
6. Hope: Does having hope for the future help you deal with the present? How good are you at finding the good in the bad? What is the thing you hope for most?
I don't really think I have or consciously think of hope for my future. I just live my life and make plans and work to make the plans a reality. I would like to think that I'm always trying to find the positive in negative situations.
7. Love/Charity: How easy is it for you to give selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness? How easy is it for you to receive selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness?
I find myself falling and giving too easily of my heart. As the older I get, the wiser I get and I guess, cold hearted in a way. I won't give my heart of my feelings to anyone and then when I do, it's pretty full bore. It's hard for me to reel back and not give of myself so much.
I also think it is really hard for me to receive unconditional love from someone. I feel that they will take it and use it and destroy me. I just keep waiting for it to happen so sometimes, I think I'm kind of fucked up like that. Placing my love in another's hands and then waiting for them to destroy it.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Hypocrite
When I am here, at work, I do some pretty boring stuff all day. My mind wonders all over the place. So that's how I got to thinking about topic. My b-cay which was in March, which AL moved like less then 2 weeks later.. ok. I knew there was an issue. I knew there was something going on with him. I had asked for honesty and I wasn't getting it. I knew that. I just did my typical... sit there and think of things for a while. Let it sink in and then wait for my time to pounce. So, the night of my b-day we were all pretty much trashed. He drove me and my friend that I have known since I was 6 back to his place (which Iw as living at b/c I had left the ex and needed a place to stay). We all talk for a while and then at some point my friend leaves. I am back in the bedroom and he eventually comes in. I just know there is something wrong. I am drunk. I start to cry. I just see him slipping out of my life and he won't even be man enough to admit it to me. I just start crying b/c it's like a part of me is dying. A friendship that I thought i had with him. A sexual relationship that I thought I had, I did not. Respect I thought I had, but didn't.
So I am now sobbing basically into his shoulder. The perfect chance for him to be like, "well yeah, I'm talking to an 'old' friend again and I"m going to go see her and I think I love her." but no. He did not. He let me cry and reassured me that I was not loosing him, when in fact I was. (this is part of the reason why it's hard for me to truly open up to him and truly trust him with my feelings).
Ok.. so cut to like 2 weeks later. He passes out across the bed so I don't even have any room to sleep unless I want to sleep in the fetal position... which I did not. So I tried to sleep on the couch, which was too short. I just started getting really really angry. And.. and...mr keep my stuff locked down, left his cell phone charging out in the open. So yes, I did a very psycho thing and I looked through his phone. I found this GIGANTIC string of text messages or IM between him and his "old friend." It was devistating to me. I have never had to exp. feelings like that. It was this hurt and betrayl and anger feelings all thrown at me at once. I was so livid.
Respect me. Honesty. Tell me that you are talking to someone and that you have feelings for this girl. In this string of texts/IM's i read how much he loved her. How much he was so excited to see her again. How he just bought a cheap ticket to fly back to see her. How living with me in his 1 bedroom, small apt, was just way too cramped for his liking. How i am always around. How he can't call her b/c I am there. How it sucks. It was crushing. I could have read more, but that was all I needed.
I packed up all the essentials, xbox, vibrator, laptop and clothes to wear to work tomorrow and hair stuff and I was out. Oh, I tried to write a note on a post it note. yeah, I should have known better then to try to write what I had to say on a post it. So I went to a blank piece of printer paper. I started with "Fuck you you stupid fuck." I went on, but I can't remember the rest. I put it on the tv, that was still on, and grabbed my bags and slammed the door and I was gone.
I then got some text message from him at like 3 am. Oh.. let me go back. I was hysterical at this point. Crying and just not in a good place. I tried like crazy to go to my best friends house, but she keeps her cell hpone downstairs. I tried knocking on her window and throwing stuff at her window, but she never came down. I didn't want to ring the doorbell b/c she has a son. I didn't want to scare him. I then called my friend that I've known since I was 6. She, thankfully, answered the phone. So I drove over to her place and she calmed me down.
Ok so I got these text massages and we just went back and forth and it was shitty. I felt so hurt. So betrayed. I had let my feelings take over my head and that's where it left me. I kept the post it note that I started to write a note on. I want to get it framed. I don't ever want to feel that way again. I don't ever want to place my feelings in someone else's hands that will just crush them.
I am now a pessimist with everything dealing with relationships. I think they are all bullshit. I think that everyone will fuck you over if you let them. Everyone will hurt you and I know that a lot of it is unintentional, but still, it hurts like a mother fucker.
so that's my story of how I was hurt by Al. Yet, I continue to trust this man? I continue to have feelings for this man. I know that it will happen again. That I will feel this hurt and this pain. I will do my best to play it off though, like a big girl and then cry to myself.
this is way long already.. peace out
So I am now sobbing basically into his shoulder. The perfect chance for him to be like, "well yeah, I'm talking to an 'old' friend again and I"m going to go see her and I think I love her." but no. He did not. He let me cry and reassured me that I was not loosing him, when in fact I was. (this is part of the reason why it's hard for me to truly open up to him and truly trust him with my feelings).
Ok.. so cut to like 2 weeks later. He passes out across the bed so I don't even have any room to sleep unless I want to sleep in the fetal position... which I did not. So I tried to sleep on the couch, which was too short. I just started getting really really angry. And.. and...mr keep my stuff locked down, left his cell phone charging out in the open. So yes, I did a very psycho thing and I looked through his phone. I found this GIGANTIC string of text messages or IM between him and his "old friend." It was devistating to me. I have never had to exp. feelings like that. It was this hurt and betrayl and anger feelings all thrown at me at once. I was so livid.
Respect me. Honesty. Tell me that you are talking to someone and that you have feelings for this girl. In this string of texts/IM's i read how much he loved her. How much he was so excited to see her again. How he just bought a cheap ticket to fly back to see her. How living with me in his 1 bedroom, small apt, was just way too cramped for his liking. How i am always around. How he can't call her b/c I am there. How it sucks. It was crushing. I could have read more, but that was all I needed.
I packed up all the essentials, xbox, vibrator, laptop and clothes to wear to work tomorrow and hair stuff and I was out. Oh, I tried to write a note on a post it note. yeah, I should have known better then to try to write what I had to say on a post it. So I went to a blank piece of printer paper. I started with "Fuck you you stupid fuck." I went on, but I can't remember the rest. I put it on the tv, that was still on, and grabbed my bags and slammed the door and I was gone.
I then got some text message from him at like 3 am. Oh.. let me go back. I was hysterical at this point. Crying and just not in a good place. I tried like crazy to go to my best friends house, but she keeps her cell hpone downstairs. I tried knocking on her window and throwing stuff at her window, but she never came down. I didn't want to ring the doorbell b/c she has a son. I didn't want to scare him. I then called my friend that I've known since I was 6. She, thankfully, answered the phone. So I drove over to her place and she calmed me down.
Ok so I got these text massages and we just went back and forth and it was shitty. I felt so hurt. So betrayed. I had let my feelings take over my head and that's where it left me. I kept the post it note that I started to write a note on. I want to get it framed. I don't ever want to feel that way again. I don't ever want to place my feelings in someone else's hands that will just crush them.
I am now a pessimist with everything dealing with relationships. I think they are all bullshit. I think that everyone will fuck you over if you let them. Everyone will hurt you and I know that a lot of it is unintentional, but still, it hurts like a mother fucker.
so that's my story of how I was hurt by Al. Yet, I continue to trust this man? I continue to have feelings for this man. I know that it will happen again. That I will feel this hurt and this pain. I will do my best to play it off though, like a big girl and then cry to myself.
this is way long already.. peace out
Thursday, October 2, 2008
To Grow Old?
I am.. again.. watching "Hopkins" and there was just an 80 year old man that was walking up steps with his wife and he fell backwards and has bleeding in his brain. IT was just the saddest thing ever to see the wife walk in to see her husband, with blood all over his head and kiss his bare shoulder. Just the pain in this woman's face just crushed me and I sit here, crying b/c it was just so sad to me.
I don't think that I will ever grow old with anyone. If I wasn't going to do it with the ex, then there is no way. god... so sad... just so sad. I mean, to live this life with someone for so long and then to see them fall right in front of your face. One second changes everything. One second and you are gone. One second and your life has changed... forever. I am so scared of possessing the amount of love for another human being that this wife had for her son. You just open yourself up to so much hurt. I'm sure you also experience a level of joy and happiness that you can only find when you find that person to go through this life with you. It's just so scary. So scary to be with someone for so long... to be so dependent on that person and then in a second, it's over. Why put yourself through that?
I don't think that I will ever grow old with anyone. If I wasn't going to do it with the ex, then there is no way. god... so sad... just so sad. I mean, to live this life with someone for so long and then to see them fall right in front of your face. One second changes everything. One second and you are gone. One second and your life has changed... forever. I am so scared of possessing the amount of love for another human being that this wife had for her son. You just open yourself up to so much hurt. I'm sure you also experience a level of joy and happiness that you can only find when you find that person to go through this life with you. It's just so scary. So scary to be with someone for so long... to be so dependent on that person and then in a second, it's over. Why put yourself through that?
Plan dizzles
So.... what is the plan for this weekend? I'm not really sure about Friday. I have several options. I can go to happy hour with my bff, but I don't think I can get into work earlier enough to do my 10 hours to then get to HH before they are all drunk. Plus I don't really know her work people. They aren't as friendly as mine are. Why do I say this? B/c I had my bff over to a BBQ with my work friends and they were very friendly and would talk to her and what not.
I could also stay at home and do some laundry and clean up. Which I really need to do anyway. Also, boy that I work with, his 28th b-day is today so he is going our Friday. I could go with, but then I may see L-dub and I'm not really sure if I want to see him since last Saturday night. Meh.. whatever. I can play that shit off better then anyone.
Saturday night, my cousin's boyfriend is having a surprise birthday party for my cousin on Saturday night in Philly. It's at 7 and I'm am def. going to go. I love my family. Al Gore is going to take a train up and I'm going to pick him up from the train station. I think the plan is that we are going to go to King of Prussia Mall for several things. Ok.. get this shit? I am tall right so finding pants is very hard. I hate stupid short chicks. They anger me b/c they "think" they are tall and buy talls, but they realyl aren't. So I get stuck, a person who really needs tall pants, with nothing. I NEED to find a pair of khaki and or tan pants and I can't find them. You'd think it wouldn't be that hard right? Well apparently, this season it is.
So Al and I are going to find me pants, maybe a coat, a Victoria's Secret GC for my cousin and a coat for him. Hopefully we can find all of that.
Ok.. so I'm watching "Hopkins" and they are doing a heart tranplant right now. That shit if crazy. You can take a heart from another, brain dead, human and put it in the body of someone else. That is just insane to me. Honestly, this is America baby. We do this shit. This is us.
Oh.. back to my original post... um... So party for my cousin on Saturday night and I wouldn't be surprised if her boyfriend asked her to marry him. I don't know if Al and I are going to stay with one of my cousins or at a hotel. I don't really care either way. I just want to chill with him. It is just so relaxing being around him. I love that and really appreciate him for that.
I don't know if I'm going to drive him home or if he's going to train it home. I could spend money on gas to take him home to see him for a few hours more. I have off on Monday so I can stay the night Sunday night and then drive back home Monday. I have no clue where his heads at.
You know what I don't like? I don't like that I think he has the upper hand. I know he would deny that, but it's just something I feel.
Ok well it's time for me to shove off. Peace
I could also stay at home and do some laundry and clean up. Which I really need to do anyway. Also, boy that I work with, his 28th b-day is today so he is going our Friday. I could go with, but then I may see L-dub and I'm not really sure if I want to see him since last Saturday night. Meh.. whatever. I can play that shit off better then anyone.
Saturday night, my cousin's boyfriend is having a surprise birthday party for my cousin on Saturday night in Philly. It's at 7 and I'm am def. going to go. I love my family. Al Gore is going to take a train up and I'm going to pick him up from the train station. I think the plan is that we are going to go to King of Prussia Mall for several things. Ok.. get this shit? I am tall right so finding pants is very hard. I hate stupid short chicks. They anger me b/c they "think" they are tall and buy talls, but they realyl aren't. So I get stuck, a person who really needs tall pants, with nothing. I NEED to find a pair of khaki and or tan pants and I can't find them. You'd think it wouldn't be that hard right? Well apparently, this season it is.
So Al and I are going to find me pants, maybe a coat, a Victoria's Secret GC for my cousin and a coat for him. Hopefully we can find all of that.
Ok.. so I'm watching "Hopkins" and they are doing a heart tranplant right now. That shit if crazy. You can take a heart from another, brain dead, human and put it in the body of someone else. That is just insane to me. Honestly, this is America baby. We do this shit. This is us.
Oh.. back to my original post... um... So party for my cousin on Saturday night and I wouldn't be surprised if her boyfriend asked her to marry him. I don't know if Al and I are going to stay with one of my cousins or at a hotel. I don't really care either way. I just want to chill with him. It is just so relaxing being around him. I love that and really appreciate him for that.
I don't know if I'm going to drive him home or if he's going to train it home. I could spend money on gas to take him home to see him for a few hours more. I have off on Monday so I can stay the night Sunday night and then drive back home Monday. I have no clue where his heads at.
You know what I don't like? I don't like that I think he has the upper hand. I know he would deny that, but it's just something I feel.
Ok well it's time for me to shove off. Peace
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