Haunting Pasts

It's random for me to deal with anyone that has a "past." Why? well b/c i was with the ex since HS so I never have actually dated anyone. I just don't know what goes on. I don't know how to act. I also have feelings of insecurities, jealousy, anger, confusion, alienation, challenged... all kinds of things that I've never had to deal with before.

Like someone's past. I know that everyone has one. I guess if my and the lova had more communication then I wouldn't either feel those or feel them less? I had plenty of opportunities to sleep with men this past weekend, but I didn't. The lova gave me a bracelet. I'm normally not into bracelets but I do like. BUT I wonder who else has worn it you know? Who else has he given it to? And I struggle with this question b/c I have no room to care about it. I have no room to question it. He is the man that I sleep with.

He has a past. He has had relationships and quite frankly, quite a few... IMO. I don't think that I will ever reach that status of his ex. He has shut himself off from that I think. I mean, can you blame the man? So many people that he has put his love and trust in, has disappointed him and they have all ended.

It really crushed me (I can admit it now) when he was lying to me and talking to another girl from Portland. His cell phone was glued to his side. It was just such a trust issue for me and he blew it. It's hard for me to get it out of mind.

Like he was just away for business for all of last week. I didn't really speak to him all that much. I would wonder, "who is he seeing out there?" He's now back home and I talked to him last night for a little while, but there is just a distance between us and I'm not sure what it is. My mind just goes back to Portland chick. I want to ask him about it, but I don't have an rights to ask him about it you know?

Then I don't know if I'm freaking out about nothing. There is just no communication between us. I just don't want to put stock in something that is just going to hurt in the end and frankly, I just see this hurting me in the end. I will, inevitably, lose a friendship over it and I don't like that.

Oh, I do know that his ex is coming to hang out with him on Friday. I don't know if she's staying over or what. Again, I have no right to ask. I know that he is now friends with the ex that fucked him up, on Facebook. Is that what is fucking with his head? I know she's going to be in Philly this weekend and we are also supposed to be there for my cousin's surprise birthday party also in Philly.

I just don't know and it's just unsettling to me. I have about a 35 min drive home from work every night and it just gives me time to think. That's all there is to do.. ok besides smoking, yes which I do.

So, do I say something? Do I not? I'll prob do what I normally do and sit and think about it for a while and then say something or get over it. I guess I do internalize a lot of stuff. I also think he found my blog. I hope not b/c it is very personal to me and I say stuff here that I think and I'm sure, when reading it, it would freak him out.

hmmmm.. I wonder if that's where his head is at? Honestly, he's prob just really busy and I'm just doing typical over analyzing stuff. Boo