Worries

My ex and I were together since we were 17. Now my age on this blog is not exactly accurate due to trying to keep Al Gore from finding this. I did mention something to him about me having a blog, but, I'm sure it has since been forgotten.

Anyway, the ex and I.... we were together at 17. Then we graduated and I stayed home to go to my local Community College and he went to Penn State Altoona for what was supposed to be 2 years. He grew up in a very unpleasant environment where he was never able to do anything. So, when he went to college and was allowed to do anything he wanted, he did just that. He was drunk or stoned all the time. There were occasions where I wouldn't talk with him for days w/o him being fucked up. I would drive up to see him (2 hours) almost every weekend. People there didn't even know that I didn't go to school there. People also didn't know my name. Everyone knew me as "Millers" girlfriend. I never had an identity. I was just his girlfriend. Sure, people liked me and we got along really well, but still, no one knew my name. I really am not over exaggerating on this one. I would say out of the 30 or so people we hung around, 12 knew my name and I went to HS with 5 of them.

Then, he went to live in State College, PA for a summer. That's when things just got much worse. The drug use was all day, every day. He was never sober. My parent's had an 800 number to the house and it was free for him to call and I'd call him back. He NEVER called me. Since he didn't have a cell phone, it was hard for me to get in touch with him.

There was one point where he drove down the 2 hours to come and pick up his brother and he never bothered to come see me or even stop in for a quick second. He didn't even call.

I ended up going to school about 45 to an hour away from where he was in Altoona. Why? B/c my parent's wouldn't let me go to the school that he was at. So, instead, I went to the next closest place. Indiana University of Pennsylvania. My second semester there I had no Friday classes, my Thursday classes ended at 7 and my Monday's didn't start until around 10. So what did I do? I went to Altoona Thursday night through Monday morning. I met more people that only knew me as "Miller's" girlfriend and again, no one knew I didn't go to school there.

I ended up making NO friends there at IUP except one girl Shawna. I will always appreciate her for actually taking the time to get to know me. We were both there as transfers and both sophomores.

Anyway, so here I am. No friends at the school I was at. Drunk and fucked up boyfriend at a school where I always am where no one knows my name and everyone thinks I go to school there. I lost my identity. I had none. I was "Miller's" girlfriend. I was at a school ONLY b/c it was close to him. I wasn't even in college for the right reasons. I did it b/c that is what was expected.

I ended up transferring to Penn State's main campus the 3rd semester at IUP or the first semester of my Jr. Year. I still really didn't make new friends there either. I was still dependent upon being "Miller's" girlfriend.

So cut to use living together in a house about 8 years ago.. so 2000? Anyway, we move into a house with another couple (never ever ever ever should you do that) and quickly made friends with the neighbors. The neighbor's friends even knew me as Mrs. "Miller" No one, again, knew my first name.

So, that caused a HUGE insecurity. Now, when I go places and meet people, and people can't or don't remember my name, I take it as, I don't matter. I'm still "Miller's" girlfriend. I think that carries over into interviews with me. That I get all flustered over the fact that I am unforgetable. That I will leave the interview and they'll all talk amongst themselves and say, "well that was nice" and then forget me 5 mins later.

Also, I have let a man dictate my life for so long. Not that I coudlnt' change it. Not that he forced it. I did it willingly. I guess, for me, it was easier to follow along and do what he was doing then to actually sit down and carve out my own life.

Who's to say that the choices that we made in our lives are bad? They have all led us down a certain path and we have done things and met people that we prob would not have had we made other choices. I do not regret being with the ex for so long (almost 14 years) b/c I have learned a lot.

I worry, though, that I am falling back into that trap with Al. This is what I want. I want to be able to go back to school for radiology. I want to finally file for divorce. I don't want to, but I will end up working 2 jobs to pay for school. I want to still see Al Gore. I just think that it can't all happen. I am going back to school, this time, for me. For no one else but me. If (and this is a HUGE if) I want to have any kind of future (shudder.. i can't believe I just said that) with Al, then I have to make everything right with me. I have to do this and he's either going to support me and take the train up when he can, or he won't. What can I do about it? It's really ... like the ball is in his court.

So that's some background as to my insecurities and where they come from and some thoughts that go through my head, all day.